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Keeping PAP's in the Dark when BMom wants to Parent?

BMom was to sign the paperwork & decided to instead parent. The day before that on Monday, we picked BMom up from her home & took her to visit with DD in the hospital (9 wk preemie)...even visiting DD again (with BMom's okay) afterward. Although it's still hard to relive those days, it's old news.

What isn't old news is that we found out that 2 days before BMom was to sign & 1 day before we had our visit with her and DD, she called the agency saying she wanted to parent. According to BGma, they came to their house & tried to talk her into signing then, which she refused, saying she was sure she wanted to parent.

I'm having major anger & trust issues with the idea that on that day we visited with BMom, EVERYONE there knew we weren't getting DD, but yet we weren't told & we went and bonded more with DD...only to make it harder on us when we were eventually told.

Is this a normal thing to keep PAP's in the dark like this?


Asked by AllAboutKeeley at 8:21 AM on Apr. 18, 2010 in Adoption

Level 33 (59,731 Credits)
This question is closed.
Answers (14)
  • AAK, I am so sorry that this happened to you & can't imagine the hurt, anger & disappointment that you feel. I understand that you know that OF COURSE she has the right to choose to parent, but also that you wished everyone could have saved you some pain by telling you earlier. I'm sure it felt like having the rug pulled out from under you. I am so sorry. I don't know what else to say... :(

    BTW, I do think the agency should have phoned you immediately. The fact that they didn't leads me to believe that they STILL thought she might change her mind and go thru with the adoption.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 5:20 PM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • I honestly don't really know. I wouldn't think this was a common practice.

    Just an FYI, the mother isn't a birthmom until she has actually signed papers.

    I can tell you from my experience that when it crossed my mind to parent baby Z, I couldn't imagine how I would tell them (the PAP's). Everyone instilled into me the whole "It would be horrible of you to go this far and then not give them the baby" spiel. And I went against my better judgement and surrendered her. Maybe, she really is scared of telling you and convinced everyone to not say anything. Emotions are running high for everyone involved.

    I am curious as to why did the agency try to convinced her to sign anyways? If she said no, then they shouldn't have been harrassing her to do so. To me, that would be a red flag for the agency. Trying to convince the woman to surrender and then not telling the PAP's when mom wants to parent.

    Answer by randi1978 at 12:39 PM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • This is why I don't think parents should be matched up with babies until the baby is born and all the papers are signed. We have one private agency near us that does this. They provide help for the birthmom all through pregnancy and even if she keeps the baby. But if she does sign the papers the baby goes to a private foster home for three days. Then the adoptive parents are presented with the baby.

    Answer by BlooBird at 1:00 PM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • I took this to mean that the bfamily was trying to pressure her to sign. Was it them, the agency, or both? I don't know how common this is, but I can see why it would feel weird that everyone acted like everything was fine when they knew otherwise. Maybe your DD's bmom was wanting to keep her options open? IDK. I'm glad she called you back when she eventually changed her mind.

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 3:34 PM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • I'm reading this that the agency went to the bio mom's (or grandma's) house and the agency wanted her to sign the papers. I can only imagine that the agency would be horrified (after taking your money, AAK) that she didn't sign. I also would imagine that bio mom's family would want to give her every benefit of the doubt, especially if she's relinquished before. Is this your first DD's (adopted, Keeley?) birth mom? (In that context, she had signed prior rights away.) Or was this an unrelated family?

    I also agree 100% that pre-birth matching is a set-up for heart-ache for the PAP's and for an undue amount of pressure for the EMCA. Everyone works differently in "crisis mode" with a dead-line. When the "crisis" is a baby being born, then, YES, emotions are undescribably high. If one were to wait until the "crisis" (baby's birth) is over, then the bio mom can make a level-headed decision, and no PAP's are there to hurt.

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 5:17 PM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • I am aware that a BMom isn't a BMom until surrender. However, she ended up signing the papers 3 months later, so she is DD's BMom and so that is what I called her. It was the agency, not BMom's family who tried to talk her into signing. I don't want to say "pressured" just because neither BMom or BGma used that word...they didn't give any details of what was said. This is Keeley's (my only) BMom. DD is BMom's first and only surrender. She has a 2 year old she kept and one that is due any day now in which she will keep (she's engaged to their father).

    I'm glad to hear that this doesn't seem to be the norm. I do understand some of the reasonings as to why the agency may have not said anything and even why the BFamily may not have said anything. Still doesn't make it any easier right now...especially after we also found out there were some other things that were held from us....and can't help but to wonder what else...?

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 10:46 PM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • AAK, I know this is hard & I can hardly imagine what you are going thru, but try not to look at DD's birth mom & birth family in any negative light over THIS latest pregnancy. It's not an easy thing to hand your child to someone else, I would imagine, especially after having done it once already. Keeley was her first child & she surrendered, she parented the 2 y/o & now, pregnant for a 3rd time, she may have thought originally that you would be the better parent & have had fears of raising 2 children. However, in the end, she just couldn't bring herself to surrender another child. Who could blame her? Please (I hope you) realize that this is in NO way a reflection of your parenting DD, nor a refection of your relationship with birth mom. I can see that you are feeling distrustful, but try to treat this as an isolated & much different event in your lives. TRY to maintain the contact with BMom & DD. These words may help LATER...

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 10:35 AM on Apr. 19, 2010

  • Ummm...I think we crossed lines somewhere along the way Doodlebopfan...LOL. All of this I found out is in regards to DD's adoption only. As far as I know it has never even crossed BMom's mind to adopt out either her 2 year old or the one she is pregnant with. :-)

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 1:22 PM on Apr. 19, 2010

  • Quoting AAK--Ummm...I think we crossed lines somewhere along the way Doodlebopfan...LOL. (snip)  :-)

    on phoneAAK, Hello??? Is this thing on?? OMGoodness! LOL! THANK YOU for clarifying this. I was reading that this was a failed adoption with a 2nd child.....So Sorry! My deepest sympathies to you for enduring my confusion....LOL!

    OK, In that case......I'm still confused....somebody send me a PM...confused


    Answer by doodlebopfan at 1:44 PM on Apr. 19, 2010

  • So you are questioning the agency keeping you in the dark? Not the birth family? Back 4 years ago? Are you NOW finding out things that the AGENCY withheld 4 years ago? And your source is the birth family?

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 11:32 PM on Apr. 20, 2010