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Did you know?

That when someone is grieving a loss, any loss, one thing you shouldn't say is "I know just how you feel"? Because you don't. Even if you have been in a similar situation, you didn't have the RELATIONSHIP with the person they lost, you didn't have the exact same experience they had. So you don't know. And it really doesn't help. You can say that you empathize, but you don't know. So you shouldn't say you know.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:35 AM on Apr. 18, 2010 in Just for Fun

Answers (8)
  • honestly, there are so many wrong things to say to a person in grief it's hard to keep up sometimes. I try to say as little as possible while remaining very present for them. I am not going to impart some great wisdom on them that is going to take their pain away, no matter how much I wish I could. So I just let them do most the talking and I simply ask questions, and make small short statements along the lines of "that is so hard," or "I can't imagine, I'm so sorry." Grief is a tricky thing.

    OP- you sound especially sensitive to this. I hope all is okay.
    beckcorc

    Answer by beckcorc at 9:55 AM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • i only say one thing and that is I am here if they need anything. The loss is universal but the feelings and relationship are different saying you know cannot be possible.
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 10:24 AM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • When my daughter died one thing I hated hearin was "I am sorry" asked asked my mother how do I respond to that? She told me I do not have to respond at all. I dont know why but I hated hearing that
    hisblueeyes

    Answer by hisblueeyes at 10:27 AM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • Nothing is up with me. It's in response to another post. Someone told the OP that she knew just how she felt. Well, no, she doesn't. I know it shouldn't bother me, it wasn't me she was talking to. But it did anyway. And I just didn't want to hijack the post. So I made my own. That's all. When my husband was deployed, he just got home, my kids and I went to weekly dinners. The grown ups had meetings without the kids after dinner. One of the topics was grief. And they asked what should you say to someone suffering a loss. I said to say nothing. That maybe the person didn't need you to say anything, they just needed you to listen. And someone else said that what you DID NOT need to say was 'I know just how you feel'. After her dad died, her sister said that to her. Her sister didn't have the same relationship with their dad that she did. It pissed her off. IDK, I just wanted to make a point I guess.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:38 AM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • Well that is a pretty shitty attitude. People are just trying to be kind. Suck it up... Would you rather they ignore you and not offer any words or support?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:55 PM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • Honestly, when my dad died 10 years ago having people say they were sorry and that they knew how I felt DID help me. Maybe they didn't know exactly how I felt to the core but if you are close to a parent and they die the odds are you still have a hole in your heart and feel like someone has punched you in the chest & the stomach at the same time with a battering ram. Hearing "I am sorry" DID help...they were sorry for my loss of someone I loved so very much, sorry that I was in pain, sorry that I was devastated. So, it doesn't affect everyone the same way to hear those words.

    tracylynnr67

    Answer by tracylynnr67 at 1:55 PM on Apr. 18, 2010

  • I see what you mean.When we lost our infant daughter 10 yrs ago,people saying that just pissed me off! Also the sentiment that the person is with God/Jesus now,or is an angel made me mad because you don't want the loved one to be with God,you want them here!
    TMJ121099

    Answer by TMJ121099 at 8:34 AM on Apr. 19, 2010

  • I'm here, anytime you need.......... seems to be the best, because so often people just get tired of helping others through grief. It tugs at heartstrings and brings up buried wounds. Helping a friend through their grief, helps you through your own grief. I say, never pass up a chance to do good works.
    GMMOLLY

    Answer by GMMOLLY at 7:12 AM on Apr. 22, 2010

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