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What is the alternative to pre-birth matching

Over and over on here you hear about how terrible pre-birth matching is yet no one has a realistic solution. Without it, the bmom looses the opportunity to meet and interview the right couple and loses the opportunity to have their expenses paid and the hospital bill paid if needed. The baby wont just wait at the hospital while she takes her weeks to interview couples, it is a living being with 24/7 needs that someone who isnt parenting shouldnt have to deal with (midnight feedings, childcare, purchase of a car seat, crib, clothes, formula, etc). Depending on the reason to place, the child could end up suffering.
If you eliminate pre-birth matching, it is much easier (and cheaper) on the Aparents but the Bmom and child suffer. How is that a better solution.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:50 AM on Apr. 20, 2010 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (24)
  • I tend to see more positives for pre-birth matching. When we were matched with DD's BMom at 6-1/2 months pregnant, we all agreed that we wanted to use the 2-1/2 months that were left to really get to know each other. This time would have allowed her to know us more than as the nervous people sitting across from her during an interview and for us to know her and her family period since the interviewing process doesn't really allow PAP's to get to know the PBP's as it does the other way around. And it definitely would have allowed time to talk about and agree to how much openness everyone was wanting and okay with.

    Although we were pre-birth matched, the way things happened we didn't get any of the above positives that I mentioned. DD was born 6 days after the match, BMom changed mind, & when she changed mind back there wasn't any communication between us and them. So we didn't get any benefits of pre-matching.
    AllAboutKeeley

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 1:27 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • I had quite a few friends who picked out the parents when they were pregnant. It worked out great.
    Zakysmommy

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 11:57 AM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • I wasn't "matched" (hate that word) with a family pre-birth & my bills were still paid. The agency had me apply for medicaid. And medicaid covers your child right after its born as well. They asked me previously if I wanted anything like rent money & I refused. I didn't feel right about it. Also it didnt take me "weeks" to decided on a couple. I did it while in the hospital. Yeah that might not be ideal for some but that is what I did. I admit I did feel a certain pressure to just pick someone & be done with it. If I had not picked someone at that point & ended up having to take my child home though I pretty much think I would have ended up not going through with the adoption at all. I think that is what some agencies fear so they encourage pre-birth matching. I suggested the agencies have temporary homes set up to take in babies while the mom decides on a couple if she doesnt want to take her child home at that point.
    lisa89j

    Answer by lisa89j at 12:05 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • With that said, if our adoption experience is any indication how an after-birth matching would go, I would definitely put my support to pre-birth matching. It wasn't easy on any of us...and I really think it would have been SO MUCH easier for BMom and us and that many (if not all) of the problems we ran face first into would not of happened if we would of had those 2-1/2 months to get to know each other before the placement.
    AllAboutKeeley

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 1:29 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • You could still meet parents, meet many parents, just don't promise a baby to them. Say look, I've met you, I like you, I'll keep you in mind. But I think they should be no where near when the mother is in labor and giving birth. That is your time. Then after the birth the baby goes to a private foster home for a few days until everything is final. Then the adoptive parents get a call, one of the birthmom's chose you and gave birth come pick up your child. You could still work out the details of open adoption or what ever you want. But there needs to be some disconnect to allow the birthmom to make a choice unpressured and not feel obligated. And I don't think it makes a difference if you had 3 visits or 23 with the potential aparents. They are on their best behaviour for you anyway. How much do you really know them?

    BlooBird

    Answer by BlooBird at 1:38 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • I have to agree with AAK on this one. I definitely don't think expectant women should be pressured into choosing a family before the birth (just as they should not be pressured to place). They should not be pressured into allowing the PAPs at the hospital around delivery time. I think it should all be up to her, and maybe the pros and cons should be presented to her (instead of only presenting the benefits of pre-birth matching, etc.).

    The reason I feel this way is because of our own experience. We were "chosen" by our DD's bmom three weeks before her birth. I was invited to attend several prenatal visits with her and we were invited to be with her at the hospital (we never would have asked for that, but were honored that she wanted to include us). We spent a lot of time together before bmom and baby were discharged, and we developed a very close relationship and friendship. (continued)...
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 7:19 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • (continued) We first learned of our son a week after he was born, and didn't meet his bmom until he was four weeks (the day we went to pick him up). We never have developed much of a relationship with her. She always sounds uncomfortable when she calls, like she is anxious to get off the phone. Phone calls are very rare. We feel like we could have a good relationship, but she's kept us at an arm's length (and we respect her right to do so).

    Neither of them changed their mind about placing. I understand the arguments against pre-birth matching, and they usually have to do with PAPs paying expenses, then the EWCA feeling obligated. That problem could be solved by helping the EWCA to know about resources (like Medicaid) that would help her without accepting money from the PAPs.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 7:23 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • We had bad experiences with pre matching. Even with my son's birth family. If I did do a private adoption again, for my own personal sanity, I will not. I did have one agency several states over call us asking to show our portfolio to a young couple that was married, already had a one year old, and already signed away their parental rights to their newborn.  The agency was asking just for the ability to show our profile.  We declined because of the experience we had just been through that was a pre matched situation that didn't go through.  Neither one of us was ready.  Looking back I think about how that was probably much better to already have both parents sign and then be picked.  I say that from the perspective parent side.  Not all PAP's would think that I know.  But for me it was so intense to go through process before the rights were terminated.

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 10:16 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • I do very much understand what you are saying Frogdawg. After DD's BMom originally said she wanted to parent, we told the agency to only contact us if the papers have already been signed. I could not have physically lived through the pain of that again. When we got the call that she was considering going through with the adoption, although we were over the top excited, we spent the next 6 days until she signed the paperwork on pins and needles scared to death it was going to happen again.

    That and the pressure the PBP's may experience are definitely HUGE cons. However, I still think the positives of it outweighs the negatives.
    AllAboutKeeley

    Answer by AllAboutKeeley at 11:01 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • I completely disagree with the idea of a baby going to a foster home for a few days. That is a TERRIBLE idea. It's been said over and over and over that babies bond so much in the first few days.

    You want a baby shipped off to an already over crowded foster care system for a few days while everyone else gets their crap together and figures out where this poor child is going to live.

    I think is a terrible idea.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:37 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

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