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need advice im so confused...?

i stopped by my ex's today to see his mom. we broke up 9 years ago cause we werent ready for anything long term at the time and remained best friends. he said he still loves me and keeps wondering what if...i feel the same for the most part but im afraid of gettin hurt. i am divorced and my ex husband was abusive and kept cheating on me so now im guarded. my ex bf is a great guy we been there for it all, his divorce and mine.( his wife kept cheating) we seen each other at our worse and we still care and love each other, but i dont know how to get past this fear of gettin hurt again advice please?


Asked by Anonymous at 4:45 PM on Apr. 20, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (7)
  • What is scarier- getting hurt or not being open to a loving relationship in your future, either with your ex or anyone else? I would think the second choice is worse. You have to trust yourself that you will be able to recover and pick yourself back up if things go badly. So maybe before you enter into anything with anyone take a little time to be confident in your ability, and if you feel that you could handle things even if you got hurt then take a chance. You can never 100% trust someone else not to hurt you, you can only trust yourself to be able to survive it. If you feel this relationship is too risky because of your past together and a child between you then mabye it isn't a good thing to take the leap. How will it affect your child if you two end up having a horrible break up? I guess you never can tell the future so sometimes you have to just go with your gut. There is no easy answer but think it over and be careful.

    Answer by MaryMW at 4:51 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • If he is your BF, then I would say to just talk about your feelings to him. Chances are he will understand if not even feel the same way.

    Answer by Jademom07 at 4:57 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • I was terrified of marriage. The worst night of my life was the night before my wedding, one long anxiety attack. That morning I wasn't sure if I'd be married that night or not. So WHY did I do it?? Here's why: I had done a lot of thinking and praying and examining my fears, and I believed that my fear had to do with what was inside me and not that my DH-to-be was untrustworthy. Do some self-searching and ask yourself where your fear is coming from. Is it just you, or is there some red flags that tell you he might hurt you? I believed that if I let that fear hold me back, that I would be weakened by it and might never be able to love again, and so I chose to conquer it. And I'm glad I did. It hasn't always been a blissful marriage, but DH and I are committed to growing, being better people, and loving each other more. We plan to grow old together because we both trust God first, and trust each other to be accountable to God.

    Answer by Adelicious at 5:06 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • op here

    i have 3 kids who adore my ex, we hang out regularly, but today was the first time he brought up the possibility of gettin back together, usually he talks about how his girlfriend is treatin him like crap and asking for relationship advice. and as far as more kids, thats not going to happen cause im fixed. his mom claims me as her daughter in law and she has several times said that we should of stayed together....

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:09 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • You cant have the good without the bad and life is about taking that risk of which one will come out on top.

    Answer by Deathlilly at 5:15 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • Are you willing to allow your x to still control your life and cheat you out of happiness? I hope not. Give this guy a chance to show you that not all men are jerks. Take it one day at a time and let him prove himself to you. It takes a long time to get over abuse. I've been with SO for almost 4 yrs now and he'd never hit me but I still flinch sometimes thinking about when my x moved like that to hit me. SO might just be scratching his head but when he raises his arm in a certain way it brings back memories of the x and his bad habit of hitting. It just takes time but I'll let him take as much time as he wants to show me he won't harm me like the bad x did.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:21 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • Sit down and talk to him, find out if he would be willing to try to work things out again. It's possible, that you have your guard up with him, because you don't know how he really feels. If you can't seem to trust, and open yourself up for a relationship, then you may need to seek couseling for your problem, and figure out how to work through it.


    Answer by Punky_1981 at 12:58 AM on Apr. 21, 2010