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Help! I just hurt my Dad's feelings on the phone....

My parents were divorced when I was 7. From then until I was about 18, I hardly ever even saw my Dad as we moved out of state with my Mom. My stepdad raised me through the rest of my childhood/teen years.
I moved back in with my Dad when I turned 18 and he helped me get on my feet and start a life here in my hometown.
I am getting married this summer and for some reason thought everybody could be mature and they could both walk my down without any feelings getting hurt but when I told my Dad, his reaction was not what I expected. "Im the one who made you, not him." "That would just be awkward."
I am in tears, I didnt think it would turn into a big deal. How do I do damage control here? Thanks.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 7:33 PM on Apr. 20, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • tell him they both played big parts in your life. please don't be angry, please just be happy for me on my big day and this is the way i want you to be a part of it.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:35 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • Honestly, not to sound harsh, but did you really think he wouldn't feel hurt? The way you describe it, or at least the way I take it when I read it, is your mom prevented him from having a relationship with you. And now you're wanting to let someone else take part of his role in one of the biggest moments of your life. I can definitely see why he would get hurt, and I think it was a little naive of you to think otherwise. And I don't think immaturity has anything to do with this. How would you feel if one day your daughter had a stepmom and came to you and said she wanted her stepmom to be on the same level as you in something that you always thought you and your daughter would share just between you? The only thing I can think of to try to make things better would be to apologize, and probably to tell him you'd like him, and only him, to walk you down the aisle.

    Answer by tropicalmama at 7:37 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • agree 100% with tropicalmama


     i'm not trying to be mean, and it's ok if you love your stepdad. it's wonderful that you have 2 fathers to love and support you. but you failed to consider the feelings of your biological father, who you owe your very existence to. you can't replace that, and he can't replace you.


    Answer by bestmommyeber at 7:43 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • Im sorry if I was misleading. You must have misunderstood. He CHOSE not to be around, he never called, he never sent birthday gifts. My Mom arranged trips for us to come visit every time we had a break from school. We spent every summer, spring break, Christmas, etc. in the town he lived in, but ended up staying with his parents (my grandparents) because he was never stable enough to provide a home that was trustworthy.
    He has since changed, grown up and got married with stepchildren of his own. I would think that he, of anybody would understand as I assume he will be walking my stepsisters down the aisle. (Their Dad is alot like he WAS)
    My stepdad RAISED me and sacrificed a million and one things so I could live the life I did. He put up with me giving my parents hell as a teen, and I think he should not be left out.

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:44 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • Ok, yes, then I did misunderstand. However, even so, he is still your father and you have to expect he will be hurt by you wanting your stepdad to help walk you down the aisle. Why don't you just explain to him what you just explained to us, in the last part of your response. The part about stepkids of his own and walking them down the aisle and such. That may help him to understand a bit better where you're coming from. And if that doesn't work... then you just say, "Dad, I'm very sorry that I hurt your feelings. I love you very much and I very much want you to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day. But, I also love John very much, and he was there for me when you weren't able to. I will include him, and I hope you will accept that and still be there for me." I know he chose not to be there, but if you just say there for me when you weren't, he may take that as an attack and that won't help things. Hope that helps.

    Answer by tropicalmama at 7:58 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • Ya know, I totally get where you're coming from, and I also get where he's coming from. My fiance has been in my daughter's life since she was 4 months old. She's now almost 3. Her father sees her every sunday for 8 hours. He's a drunk, and an abusive jerk...someday she'll see that....but I could understand her wanting both of them walk her down the aisle on her wedding day, because my boyfriend, the man she calls daddy, has been around for her every day, and IS her daddy...but her father, is her father

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:02 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • i think he has no right to get upset with you over this. imho you are being very nice to include him bc i would have truthfully just had my stepfather walk me down if it was me

    Answer by princessbeth79 at 8:15 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • I would call your dad and tell him that both of them played an important role in your life and that YOU want BOTH of them to walk you down the aisle. IF he can't accept that then you don't want him to be a part of that. This is YOUR day and YOU need to be happy about the decisions that are being made for your big day. I wish you luck. My step dad will be the one to walk me down the aisle because my father walked away when I was 7 and I attempted to rebuild a relationship when I was 24 and he walked away again.

    Answer by coala at 8:36 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • Good luck on that. I did the same thing and my dad got hurt and angry. He took all the money he had saved for me and went to Europe and spent it all! He didn't speak to me for a long time. I guess it happens to a lot of people. Dustin Hoffman was just in a movie about this!

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:42 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

  • Perhaps you can walk yourself down the aisle and have a dance with each of them instead if one will feel slighted? I'd just let him know that both are such a big part of your life that you wanted to honor them both with that special walk and see what he says.

    Answer by rio_burb at 11:23 PM on Apr. 20, 2010

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