Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Love the man I cant have, have the man I cant love.

I am married to a man I do not love.... I do have love for him because he is the father of my children and the man we have built a nice life together for the past 5 years....I thought I would fall in love with him after some time but I havent and I am so unhappy.

I was engaged before to the man that I still love ..i still talk to him occasionaly ( nothing more than talk) and he still loves me....I would be soo happy if I could be with him.

The problem is, I cannot be with him because I am afraid i will ruin my kids lives... to give them all the problems that divorced families have....I fully intend on pretending to life the perfect life.... but I just need some adivce on how to keep it up when it feels like I am falling apart....has anyone else been in my place?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:28 PM on Apr. 21, 2010 in Just for Fun

Answers (9)
  • Going to be brutally honest here....if you didn't love your husband than you NEVER should have married him to begin with. Now you have taken a vow and you have a family with him. That is extremely unfair to him and your children. Furthermore, you are holding yourself back from ever really being able to love him, because you won't let go of the past. Maybe if you cut the ex out of you life, you would have room for the man that loved you enough to marry you. JMO
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:42 PM on Apr. 21, 2010

  • I am going to agree with Anon...by holding onto the past you are cheating your husband out of an honest relationship.
    Jademom07

    Answer by Jademom07 at 5:47 PM on Apr. 21, 2010

  • Your children are not unaware. They know when mom isn't happy. Personally I think women cheat their children out of happiness when the mom doesn't do what makes her happy. The kids will think THEY are making you unhappy if you stay in a relationship that isn't a happy one. I never advise women to stay for the kids sake. Kids are smart. It's your life but I wouldn't stay. My children were much happier when I left their dad and found what made me happy. I was a nicer person and a better mom once I left.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 5:53 PM on Apr. 21, 2010

  • You can't hold on to the past. Most people don't know this, but LOVE isn't a FEELING it is a CHOICE! If your hubby doesn't treat your poorly, you have no excuse. You DO need to get counseling otherwise the way you are feeling and choosing not to love your husband WILL dissolve your marriage. LOVE is an action of being patient, kind, not holding on to past wrongs, not being proud, faithful, etc etc. Marriage takes WORK! How do you think arranged marriages used to work? Most people learned to love each other, and it has to do with care and WORK and ACTIONS... not a feeling. You think people honestly go on 50-60-70 years of marriage always just feeling butterflies and niceness and "love"? Not most!!!
    If you left you would only be telling your kids "Love is only for a short time, and once you don't feel it, move on"
    You need to cut the other manout of your life and work on your MARRIAGE! Otherwise you just tear apart your family.
    missbreezy214

    Answer by missbreezy214 at 5:55 PM on Apr. 21, 2010

  • perfectly put missbreezy, I agree completely!
    -LovingMamma-

    Answer by -LovingMamma- at 6:32 PM on Apr. 21, 2010

  • I agree and disagree with missbreezy. I don't believe that love is always a choice. It is a feeling, however love is a choice on how we ACT on it. You need to ask yourself why you feel like you don't love him. Is not treating you well? If he is, do you not get time together. A lack of time together can do a lot of damage. You start looking at your husband more as a roomate than a lifelong partner. I would also advise marriage counseling. Sometimes there is an underlying issue as into why you feel this way and you need to work on yourself with that.
    LaurenKaye29

    Answer by LaurenKaye29 at 6:56 PM on Apr. 21, 2010

  • I understand what you are saying and how you feel but you cant live a lie as much as you want it will just tear you apart .
    Lacymarrie

    Answer by Lacymarrie at 7:28 PM on Apr. 21, 2010

  • I am in the same boat as you are! I only married my husband because he is the father of my child and I needed health insurance. I have been married now for 3 yrs. Yes we have a life together however I wish everyday I wasn't married! I do love another man and he is everything I have ever wanted but I dont want to ruin my child's life and have to pay for divorce costs!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:27 PM on Apr. 21, 2010

  • I agree with the first poster. If you never loved your dh you have been very unfair to him this whole time.
    hot-mama86

    Answer by hot-mama86 at 4:23 AM on Apr. 22, 2010

Join CafeMom now to contribute your answer and become part of our community. It's free and takes just a minute.

Next question in Just for Fun
whats for dinner??

Next question overall (Relationships)
Vasectomy