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adopting outside of your race

DH and I are very serious about adopting in the future. We have 3 biological children, and we're not at all worried about getting a "perfect white newborn" like so many couples out there. We are hoping to adopt a child (possibly siblings) under age 5, who has no hope of returning home, and might otherwise end up in foster care. DH could care less about the color of a child's skin, but I do. I'm not AT ALL racist. I just think that a child (who has already been through so much in such a short little life) has the right to conseal from his peers the fact that he is adopted, if he so chooses. Obviously this wouldn't be an option for a child of a different race. I need thoughts on this. Please don't bash. I'll clarify once more that I AM NOT AT ALL RACIST, I just want to give a child a loving family and a home that feels right to that child. I don't want him to feel like he doesn't belong.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:13 PM on Apr. 21, 2010 in Adoption

This question is closed.
Answers (37)
  • Anon 12:23am-"This white guilt is killing me. I am not white by the way. I have no problem with white people who want to adopt white kids! It makes perfect sense if you ask me!"

    LOL, I don't think it's "white guilt", I think, (for me) it had more to do with our infertility issues. If we were had a child naturally, it would be white, but we were adopting, so why would we put "restrictions" on our adopted child? Doesn't every child need parents, regardless of race? Yes, of course. But as OP suggested, "blending" an adopted child into the family (for us) wasn't so much a way to hide his adoption, but giving him control of his "story" & who knows it.

    In our case, I was the one who would've adopted any child, (we have bi-racial nieces/nephews) however, my DH wanted our child to be the same race as us. At first, I was upset that he was asking this, but in the end, I understood his reason, which was the same as yours, OP.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 9:15 AM on Apr. 22, 2010

  • Keep doing your homework and take the parenting classes.  I'm gonna respect your no bash request and just move on. 

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:27 PM on Apr. 21, 2010

  • OP here just want to add that i would love to have any child of any race to love and welcome into my family! i just want to know how it effects the child.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:30 PM on Apr. 21, 2010

  • No, I hear you. What you're saying is, you want to give any child in a need a good home, but you're afraid it would be unfair to the child to grow up always knowing he's different than the rest of the family and knowing he stands out to people who see him. I don't think that's racist at all. DH and I are two totally different colors, so we could adopt children any color of the rainbow and they would fit right in. I don't know what the solution is, but I don't think you're being racist.
    Adelicious

    Answer by Adelicious at 11:51 PM on Apr. 21, 2010

  • i don't know why anyone who actually read this would bash you for it. i can't speak from experience, but i think you are right to feel the way you do, and it's obvious to me that the benefit of the child is the only thing behind your logic. it might be best for you to talk to someone who was adopted by a family of a different race. good luck and good for you for wanting to adopt an older child! i hope you find the perfect son or daughter to add to your family!

    bestmommyeber

    Answer by bestmommyeber at 12:07 AM on Apr. 22, 2010

  • I would be more concerned if we didn't live in such a diverse neighborhood. We have a huge hispanic population and feel that there are plenty of people for DS to identify with in our area. As far as them not wanting to disclose that they were adopted, I have no clue when it comes to that. It's not something we hide, and hope the boys don't feel like they need to hide it either.
    jothra

    Answer by jothra at 12:43 AM on Apr. 22, 2010

  • You do not have to feel guilty. There is nothing wrong with wanting a child that is white, so he/she will blend in with your family. NOTHING!! This white guilt is killing me. I am not white by the way. I have no problem with white people who want to adopt white kids! It makes perfect sense if you ask me! If I were to adopt, I would probably want a chld of my same race too.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:23 AM on Apr. 22, 2010

  • We adopted internationally from China and so far dd has no issues. She is 4 and has been home since she was 17 months old. We live just south of Atlanta and it is very diverse here.
    PM me if you have any specific questions. I have to leave for Bible study in a few minutes and still haven't gotten ready! Oops!
    mcginnisc

    Answer by mcginnisc at 9:29 AM on Apr. 22, 2010

  • I think the world is becoming more and more knowledgeable about adoption, and it is not something that we care to hide. Our kids are proud to be Korean and Chinese Americans, and they fully understand that they came into our family by adoption. We homeschool, so I'm not sure if they would "want to hide it" if they went to school everyday and were around teasing and such. However, we knew homeschooling was part of the plan, and being a diverse family was always something I looked forward to. I never really thought about it being "unfair" to the children. I mean, if you get to grow up in a loving family, devoted, two parent family, with all your needs met, you are doing SO much better than probably 40% of all kids out there.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:09 AM on Apr. 22, 2010

  • I've thought about that, and worried about it. but I have a friend that I reconnected with that I knew very well in college. She is white. has 2 biological white children, and 2 African adopted children. I have to tell you, it is NOT an issue for them at ALL. The children are all proud of their heritage, they are very well adjusted, and gleefully tell EVERYONE that, while the Tummy Mommy couldn't keep them, their REAL mommy and daddy love them and PICKED THEM OUT.

    the child would only have problems if YOU allow them to have those problems.
    squeegeatc

    Answer by squeegeatc at 10:45 AM on Apr. 22, 2010