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Comparing marriage to living together...

I have heard a few comments here on CM about marriage is just a piece of paper, and that it is basically the same as living with someone. Not knocking it, I have friends who live together and have a child and are content. But I guess I just kinda find it sad that so many people are deciding not to marry. I know alot of people feel like the govt punishes them for being married. When I had my daughter, when we were doing the birth certificate the nurse assumed we werent married. I was surprised by this, and she said at least 1/2 the moms delivering are not married. I am not very religious, but I want my daughter to have conservative values, and know that her parents have made a committment to live & raise our family together. Has anyone noticed this trend?If you arent married, what are your reasons? I am not trying to be disrespectful to anyone, I am curious, as I do not agree with the notion that it is the same married or not?

 
Sillybillymel

Asked by Sillybillymel at 12:08 AM on Apr. 22, 2010 in Relationships

Level 10 (394 Credits)
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Answers (19)
  • Married here too and I don't think "it's just a piece of paper" or the same thing at all. Marriage is permanence to me, and I am aware of the high divorce rate, but that comes from the same mentality as the piece of paper argument. Getting married doesn't have to mean a big bash costing tens of thousands of dollars, that's just the party. To me it's about making that public commitment saying "I am committing to spending the rest of my life with this person." My opinion is that too many people go into marriage with the idea that the "perfect" wedding is necessary to have a happy marriage, and with the idea that it will be easy. And then when perfection doesn't occur and things get hard, they walk away. And living together vs marriage just makes that process even easier.
    canadianmom1974

    Answer by canadianmom1974 at 12:24 AM on Apr. 22, 2010

  • I am married as well. I do not think it is the same at all. Dh's brother just broke up with is girlfriend. They have been together 10 years, lived together for 9. Shocked us all with the break up. He had said in the past that he didn't need a piece of paper to show he was committed. I know his girlfriend wanted to get married but just gave up on the idea. Well, last month he decided he was bored and moved on. He is already dating someone else. I wonder if they were married if it would have happened or if there were issues that we are unaware of if they would've tried harder to fix it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:14 AM on Apr. 22, 2010

  • I don't think it's the same. I think it would be to easy to walk out if your not. Look at the couples who made not being married famous... Goldie & Kurt, Jenny McCarthy & Jim Carey, Susan Sarandon & Tim Robbins, all broke up.
    BlooBird

    Answer by BlooBird at 12:14 AM on Apr. 22, 2010

  • We're not married. Our plan was to buy a home, get married then have kids. Well, it got jumbled. Had DS, he was born with serious health concerns, stopped working, parents gave us their home. Now we're building apts on the property he owned b4 we met in order to give us more income besides just his check. AND we're TTC cuz we want our kids close in age. Also, we're planning to fix my parents house cuz it needs A LOT of improvements. So....eventually we'll get married, but we want a BIG MEXICAN wedding and that means mucho $$$$! LOL! So it's not that we don't want to get married, it's just not a priority for us :)
    Vero0724

    Answer by Vero0724 at 12:16 AM on Apr. 22, 2010

  • Statistically, cohabitating couples have a higher incidence of divorce IF they ever do marry. I think it's the whole why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. Sometimes it is cows several cows he is milking.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:18 AM on Apr. 22, 2010

  • It's true that more couples are choosing to remain UNmarried and having kids outside of marriage. We chose to live together for about 4 years before getting married. At the time (we were starting college, in our early 20's), we got married for financial aid reasons. We are also not religious, but for us, as we've grown older and are now on our 16th yr of marriage, we are happy to say we are married and have a family. We don't have an opinion about others who choose to marry or not, that's there choice.

    I'm not sure what you are getting at by saying "the government punishes people for getting married..."

    I have heard from friends who are unmarried but in committed relationships that it's because of the "baggage" that comes with being married -- the expectations, the scary rates of divorce, their own family experiences, etc.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:18 AM on Apr. 22, 2010

  • i agree with you100% but i have to add to your reference about the govt punishing married couples. i know several couples who don't marry because they claim the working parent does not live in the home. this way they can collect food stamps and other assistance. makes me sick!

    bestmommyeber

    Answer by bestmommyeber at 12:19 AM on Apr. 22, 2010

  • I'm married 12 years. I found that being married made it impossibly hard to give up or quit on our relationship (forget the kids). Marriage is work. More people need to realize this. Growing together isn't easy. You aren't at 40 who you were at 30 or 20. Sometimes you grow apart for a while and then come back. It ebbs and flows. I can understand divorce. I think more people should spend more time making sure of the person they consider marrying or having kids with. I knew he was the one but I kissed many a frog before I got my prince (and he can be a pain in the ass too).
    jeanclaudia

    Answer by jeanclaudia at 12:29 AM on Apr. 22, 2010

  • I have noticed it and I hate it! It makes me mad that people just dont take marriage seriously anymore. They just move in and start having kids together. I think its best for children when parents have made that loving commitment to one another and decide to get married.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:34 AM on Apr. 22, 2010

  • Sorry what I meant by the govt punishing people, I have a few friends who lie together, and do not get married because they are in college, and to qualify for a pell grant. I dont know exactly how it works. I have heard that from alot of people. They feel like the govt punishes people who get married as opposed to those who dont and have a family. I do believe marriage is not just a piece of paper. My husband and I have been going through a rough patch lately, after having the baby, I have neglected him a bit because I was focusing all my attn on the baby. It does take work in a marriage. I think the biggest thing that has helped us so far is that we do communicate and are honest with each other. Thank you so much for your comments so far. I appreciate it.
    Sillybillymel

    Answer by Sillybillymel at 12:36 AM on Apr. 22, 2010

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