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Rubbing salt in the wound?????

ok heres the full story my sil and i were pregnant together last year. my neice was stillborn last june. its been hard to celebrate my son because we dont want to remind her of her loss, and that my ds is still here. my husband and i are both active duty military and we can only take leave together fron jun 15-30 to go home. we want to throw an early birhtday party for our son at home but it would be close to the same time that our nieced passed last year. we doent have any family and few friends where we live so we want to do it at home. would it be rude or just plain mean to have a birthday party for him then? and how would you go about doing it as delicatly as possible as to not hurt my sils feelings????

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KJ_on

Asked by KJ_on at 4:29 PM on Apr. 23, 2010 in Toddlers (1-2)

Level 4 (37 Credits)
Answers (9)
  • You have a right to host a small get together for your son as long as it isn't too much partying. Your SIL should understand.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:33 PM on Apr. 23, 2010

  • Your not trying to rub her loss in her face your just trying to celebrate your sons life. Im not sure that she will ever trully get past it but that doesn't mean your son doesn't deserve a real birthday.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:37 PM on Apr. 23, 2010

  • If you are truly concerned talk to her about it. I don't believe you are doing anything wrong by celebrating the birth of your child - yes its not exactly great that he was born around the same time but unfortunately thats the case. I don't think your SIL would expect you to not celebrate his birth and I don't think she would see it as rubbing salt in the wound. Yes it might remind her of her loss, but that isn't your fault and I doubt very much she would see it that way.
    keyaziz

    Answer by keyaziz at 4:39 PM on Apr. 23, 2010

  • I'd come clean with your SIL and ask her how she is feeling & would feel. Yes, of course, you have a right to do whatever, party, whenever you wish. She will most likely be glad that you are considering her feelings (and that you remembered & are acknowledging her loss) and she may suprise you that she is fine with your celebration. That would allow you more freedom in your celebrating. She's likely going to have a hard time regardless of what you do, but talking to her may help.

    Our son was born the same day that my dear grandfather passed away. Every year I am reminded that my grandmother suffered the loss of her husband of 62 years. My grandmother has come to the party, I've given her a hug & let her know gently that I'm thinking of her. The first year is the hardest. I'm glad that you are concerned enough about your SIL's feelings to ask this question. You have a big heart.

    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 4:51 PM on Apr. 23, 2010

  • aww, that is so sad. Shes lucky to have an sil like you that has thought about her feelings. If it were me, I would talk to her about it. She will probably be okay with the idea of the birthday party and it will help her feel better just knowing you thought of her enough to ask how she felt. I'm sure she'd never want to deny her nephew his first bday party! It may be hard for her on that day. Just be there for her and tell her you really want her to share this moment with you and the family and if at any time she needs a shoulder to cry on you'll be there.
    :(
    kimberlyinberea

    Answer by kimberlyinberea at 5:23 PM on Apr. 23, 2010

  • Since it wouldn't even be your child's birthday it would be in good taste to skip a party. You can have a party on your child's actual birthday where you live even if it's small.

    Gailll

    Answer by Gailll at 6:30 PM on Apr. 23, 2010

  • I can't imagine she would be upset or offended at you having a birthday party for your child. A heartfelt note saying if she can't make it then no explanation is neede might give her an out. But your son is alive and it is to be celebrated.
    whiteroses82

    Answer by whiteroses82 at 7:30 PM on Apr. 23, 2010

  • In my family, birthdays are a big thing, so i can totally see why you'd want to do your son's party when you're home with them...I think I agree with the others who said to talk to your SIL. See how she feels about it, let her know you don't want to hurt her feelings or anything and let her decide if she feels up to being there.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:49 PM on Apr. 23, 2010

  • I'm sorry for your family's loss...it must have been so difficult for everyone. But to be frank, its not fair to your son to deny him a party because of your SIL's loss...obviously you will be respectful and mindful of her feelings but your son shouldn't have to carry around the burden of being born around the time his cousin died KWIM? I would talk to SIL or if you don't feel comfortable talk to your MIL and ask how you can make it better...I think the idea of letting her know that she can skip the party and no one would mind would be the perfect gesture. Definitely acknowledge her pain and make her feel wanted too...you don't want to come across as not wanting her there cause she has the black cloud. What a tough situation. Good luck!
    millijess

    Answer by millijess at 1:07 AM on Apr. 24, 2010

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