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Should I say 'sorry' to my MIL just to keep the peace?

I'm having issues with my MIL but I've always been respectful and civil to her, but the other night she was ranting and raving at my husband over something stupid just because she was drunk. My husband and I had plans to visit with my mother after we visited his and because she went on a drunken rant we were an hour and a half late. While she was ranting I couldn't help but show my irritation. I was tapping my foot with my arms crossed over my chest while looking pointedly at the clock. She says I was rude and expects an apology, though she won't give one herself.
Personally I think she was the one being rude by causing me stress at having to listen to her yell at her son (I don't handle drama, yelling, or anything of the sort well at all), and making us late.
So should I suck it up and say sorry just to keep the peace or stick to my own morals and beliefs and not let her force me to say something I definitely won't mean?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:14 AM on Apr. 24, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Suck it up and say sorry. Stinks to say sorry when it is not your fault, really. But better to be a peacemaker than a drama maker.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:31 AM on Apr. 24, 2010

  • I wouldn't give in, and actually if it were me, I'd tell DH that you aren't going over to her house anymore. I've made the decision to not only stop going to my MIL's house, but the stepboys aren't going to be going over either. She has such a toxic personality and even though we've asked her many times, she still keeps bashing his ex in front of the boys. They are now 4 & 5 and have started to notice it. We get along with bio-mom very well, her and I are actually friends, which drives MIL crazy. I'm almost to where I am going to tell her she's not welcome in my house either.
    I don't know how long you've been with DH, but I say if you don't stand up for yourself she's just going to walk all over you. Why should you try to keep the peace when she's the one acting like a child, and a spoiled one at that? What does your DH think about it?
    daisy521

    Answer by daisy521 at 4:42 AM on Apr. 24, 2010

  • OP- True, although I wouldn't be trying to create drama by not saying it (although I know it probably would *sigh*), it just goes against everything I believe in. I try to stay honest in everything and I hate liars and she is a constant liar, manipulator, and closed minded person. It rubs everything in me the wrong way to have to say sorry to that woman. ESPECIALLY when I'M the hormonal pregnant one and she is seriously working my stress level to it's limit.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:45 AM on Apr. 24, 2010

  • op-He thinks I should suck it up and keep the peace since he's been doing ti his whole life, but I've never been one to just lie down and be walked on. He keeps saying we shouldn't burn our bridges and honestly while the MIL IS in a position to help us with some things I don't trust her in the least and I DON'T want my child around her venom when he's born but my husband has put his foot down on that I can't kick her out of our lives. He knows and agrees that shes a viper but it's 'still his mother' and if I don't apologize she can cause a lot of problems for me with the rest of their family.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:57 AM on Apr. 24, 2010

  • You should say you are sorry IF YOU ARE...if you aren't then why apologize? You can say you are sorry you came over when she was 'under the weather' and next time you won't overstay your welcome. You could say you are sorry you were passive aggressive when you were (fill in the emotion) instead of speaking up and letting everyone know you found her behavior to be less than desirable. There are ways to apologize, but would you rather be thought of as a drama queen or a liar? Saying you are sorry when you aren't is lying!

    And because people have been sucking it up to keep the peace she will never stop doing what she has always done! Look at it this way, if you stand up for yourself and stay away from her and don't allow your children to be around her, maybe she will finally get the help she needs to be the type of grandparent your kids deserve from her.

    You have to decide what is most important. Peace or TRUTH. Good luck.
    SimplyLaine

    Answer by SimplyLaine at 6:27 AM on Apr. 24, 2010

  • Sucking it up and taking it? Wow has she been a drunk all of his life because trust me it sounds like it and he is the peace maker and keeper all drunks have the family set up like this. You are in a no win situation if you apologize to her you will just be one more person cow towing to her. if you do not apologize she will make herself the victim by saying to her son see how she hates me. I would go with a more subtle thought and sit down with your DH and ask him how or why you should apologize? Tell him why you think you should not. There is no way to make peace with this woman. She will be mad for awhile but trust me something else will piss her off and you just stand firm.

    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 6:32 AM on Apr. 24, 2010

  • just tell her you are sorry you offended her. usually a grandparents love is not something you want your child to go without. especially since dh is not ready to confront her, then you probably should not either...it would be bad for you personall b/c you don't like drama, it would be bad for you and dh, b/c he doesn't want to deal with it, and it would be bad for you and mil...and you never truly know what that could lead to. i am sure that this will not be your last chance to deal with her.
    sorry you have to go through this :(
    happy2bmom25

    Answer by happy2bmom25 at 7:50 AM on Apr. 24, 2010

  • I would sit down with DH and ask why an apology is needed and how it should be done. I ticked off my MIL a while back by telling her that I wanted things done my way with my child; it wasn't pretty. Yours and mine sound similar. DH was on my side, but he wanted ME to apologize to HER for wanting her to follow the same rules we have for DD at home- her philosophy is that a grandparent can do whatever they want and they don't have to tell the parent anything. After talking it over with DH, I was just a little nicer to her and I keep my mouth shut now and let DH deal with any issues with his family; I never did apologize because I was not sorry for what I wanted. She got over it, still brings it up every now and then but not as often anymore. She still doesn't get why I was upset, but I don't care. You could tell DH you want him to apologize for you as she finds your company distasteful ;)
    preacherskid

    Answer by preacherskid at 9:08 AM on Apr. 24, 2010

  • You have no reason to apologize. DO NOT APOLOGIZE, I wouldn't.
    ambr2006

    Answer by ambr2006 at 11:24 AM on Apr. 24, 2010

  • Don't say you're sorry if you're not. Personally, I wouldn't apologize.
    Also, it's not her fault you were late. You could have walked out of there with her screaming at your back, but you would have been on time for your mom.
    Pnukey

    Answer by Pnukey at 5:40 PM on Apr. 24, 2010

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