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Why does my SO do this to me?? Money is not everything but unfortunately it's necessary.

Every time we have extra money he spends it ALL on something we do not need. Last time, it was a 2500 sports car and I was 8 months pregnant and we had to pay big chunks on it. I also had to depend on my babyshower for a lot of stuff (I had saved for) I thought I could buy if I did not get. Luckily it worked out.

Now I couldn't afford health insurance for me for a bit and was going to buy some again, and even though I told him, he pays 900 to have his loader (that he never uses) engine machined and 500 for tools (auction, no returns). He said "we'll have money for it all" but NO.. NO WE WON'T.. I told him LAST TIME that he did this that he had better never do this to me again. Consult me on stuff. We're a family and if he was paying someone to take care of our son and home the way I do, he'd be unable to afford it for long.

What would YOU do? I'm just so mad I haven't even reacted yet.

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 9:49 AM on Apr. 25, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Consult me on stuff. We're a family and if he was paying someone to take care of our son and home the way I do, he'd be unable to afford it for long.

    I'm sorry, but I think HE thinks that since he's not your HUSBAND (even if he plays the part 100%), he has the right to spend his money (as he sees it) as he pleases. Some people think marriage is just a piece of paper, but with it comes things like being able to REALLY demand that he consult you when it comes to bog/frivolous purchases--at least in a healthy marriage!

    Why not DEMAND that he marry you, THEN you will have a "bargaining chip" of sorts when it comes to household finances/spending. Your SO sounds rather old is he?

    Answer by LoriKeet at 9:54 AM on Apr. 25, 2010

  • OP here) LOL LoriKeet. I am the one who will not marry him. My own reasons.

    He is 32 and in many ways is very mature, and others is very immature. I just can't believe he did this again.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:02 AM on Apr. 25, 2010

  • tell him he needs to start putting money away for emergencies and for the baby and have it be a joint account. is he committed to you, are you practically married.. i think you have every right to tell him he needs to start thinking of the future of the family.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:04 AM on Apr. 25, 2010

  • That is the WORST answer to a question I have EVER heard on here! You should never have to demand anyone to marry you! You deserve better. I wish I could tell you a way to fix this problem, but it sounds like that may just be the way he is. Some men are, and it's terrible. Have you ever done the same thing to him? If so, what happened? Look, you deserve to be able to trust the man you are sharing your life with, marriage or no marriage! I'm a spiritual person, so I would pray about it. Other than that, try to start planning a way out and try to find a way to support yourself in case you can't deal with this your whole life. DO NOT MARRY HIM! If you do, all his debts will automatically be attached to you, affect your credit score, ect. I would know bc it happened to me with my husband. Keep your head up, you can always write me if you need someone private to talk to.

    Answer by AlleyK at 10:06 AM on Apr. 25, 2010

  • You already know why. He is selfish, immature, a self centered baby boy. You are smarter than to marry him. What can you do? It sounds like you already work. Hide money from him and if you don't work, get a job because eventually you will wise up enough you will be living on your own. Don't count on him for child support though. Or you can take everyone else's advice and talk to him and tell him all these well reasoned arguments why he shouldn't be selfish and all he will hear is bla bla bla she's bitching again. How do I know? I was stupid enough to marry a baby boy. Go rent the movie "Baby Boy" or try to catch it on BET. It used to always be on. This is what you're dealing with. The sooner you acknowledge it to yourself the better off you will be. Better luck next time. I hope I get a next time.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:21 AM on Apr. 25, 2010

  • OP here) Oh my goodness Anon 10:21.. We just got done "talking" about this and you are so right he said "all you do is bit&& at me, if I'd told you - you would've just argued with me." Finally against my better judgment I called him conniving and he blew up.. telling me if I thought my life would be so much better without him go do it on your own. He thinks he's got me trapped so he can do whatever he wants to me.

    I worked FT before having my son and I work 1 day a week now. I can step up my hours.

    He is actually declaring bankruptcy, his rich daddy rescues him over and over. I have perfect credit and paid all my school loans back myself.

    I am so disillusioned. He told me he does not care and never wanted a housewife. It's like he wants me to leave him.

    Grumble. We will see....

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:11 PM on Apr. 25, 2010

  • OP here) I actually have really bad back problems, I worked as on the Highway Dept. and I couldn't take it anymore. I wear a special back brace all day. I used to bring in a lot of money. I work the 1 night a week as an overnight answerer for a vet office now because of my back.

    I think my SO resents the fact that he has to work more hours. It's not my freaking fault that my back is bad.. I would've gladly gone back to work shoveling dirt, painting road lines, setting up cones (they're heavier than they look) and driving snowplow. But I just CAN NOT stand being on my feet or in a truck for 12 hours a day.

    I will have a hard time making enough money to support my son and myself as an answerer. I think I'm going to look into disability to supplement my income.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:21 PM on Apr. 25, 2010

  • Sounds like he is an immature, spoilt, selfish person who only thinks of himself and his wants! One thing I would do is sit him down and have a serious talk about finances and his spending, draw up a list of all the monthly expenses/bills and try to make up a budget- that shows where all the money needs to go. Have you thought about opening a bank account in your name only and putting the money for bills/baby/household in there and then give him an 'allowance'? (although he may not like that idea!!).
    If he refuses to change, and keeps spending the way he is then it might be time to re-evaluate the relationship and if you want to be with someone who does not put his family's needs above his own wants and pleasure. Good luck, I hope all works out!

    Answer by MizLee at 1:16 PM on Apr. 25, 2010

  • My ex-husband is like that. DO NOT MARRY HIM!!! He won't change, my ex never did. Marriage isn't going to mean a damn thing to him, he's going to continue his spending habits no matter what. In the end you'll have to pay extra for divorce costs, it is not going to be worth it. You can try talking to him about this 1 last time, but some guys just don't get it. It's like women that are shopaholics, he may never put his family 1st.


    Answer by Anonymous at 2:58 PM on Apr. 25, 2010

  • i would NOT demand getting married as the first poster suggested, ha if your already having such a HUGE conflict on something so important why would you jump in to marriage??? i have this problem with my husband from time to time, im talking the man spends close to 500 every two weeks!!! how im not sure, well yess i am, weight sets, protien crap for working out, tools for work etc i know HOW he spends it im just not sure why lol. i would sit down with him and explain that if this happens again you are going to leave, you cant buiild a family the way it should be done (when possible) with just one person doing the work,. you can do that on your own, like me trying to save money for us to buy a house does no good when he is right behind me spending the money, i try to budget out our money, he HAS TO HAVE lol i can make 400 last two weeks and that includes gas in the car, groceries for 5 and anything else that comes up

    Answer by mommie2twogirls at 4:53 PM on Apr. 25, 2010

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