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I now realize i feel trapped in my marriage, How can i gain some control of this marriage w/out it ending in divorce?

My husband is very controlling from finances to friends. We've been together for 4 yrs and going on our 2nd anniversary soon. We have ONE 11 mo old baby together and i'm scared of making a decision i will regret for the rest of my life! I want to make things work!I feel depressed & i feel trapped unable to explain my whole situation to friends (All MUTUAL). He recently lost his job and now after 2 yrs of not working I have 2 jobs and he thinks he's entitled to a restful vacation. He's a good man at heart, and HAS provided thus far.We fight regularly and over the stupidest smallest things,they somehow turn into cursing and personal jabs at one another (Mostly AT me) I name call curse and he throws hurtful statements out just to hurt me. I'm not sure if i can stay stong and fight for us anymore!! To make things worse and old flame contacted me and now i'm scared of what friendship with him might open a door to. Help...

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 4:25 PM on Apr. 25, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (9)
  • It sounds like you both need to grow up a lot. I wouldn't drag an old flame into this mess. Work it out.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:34 PM on Apr. 25, 2010

  • ok well first off in my opinion, if you are serious about making the marriage work, tell the old flame you can not be friends right now, your judgement making is going to be a little off if you have a "back up plan" second, you both need to learn how to fight fair, i some times have this problem with my husband, seriously not me, him, when he gets mad at something i am doing (or not doing) and starts fighting about it i take the time to step back and think about what he is saying, i do not go in to defense mood right away or anything as hard as that maybe at times. Third remember that there is such a thing as emotional abuse, which it sounds to me like your husband is emotionally abusing you, i think maybe you guys need to go to couples counseling and get to the bottom of it if you want this to work, just remember staying for the child is never best
    mommie2twogirls

    Answer by mommie2twogirls at 4:38 PM on Apr. 25, 2010

  • I would sit down with DH and tell him how you feel talk about what you think should be done. I would also leave that other guy alone if you are trying to save your marriage think about where you want to be and you said you did not want it to end in divorce. think what is best for you and realize a person who controls you might not be best and you can go to counseling to find out how you can make your voice heard and maybe consider what can help you be more proactive in your relationship.

    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 4:38 PM on Apr. 25, 2010

  • i would be out that door sooo fast he wouldn't even see the back of my head going. if you gotta to work two jobs only to come home to a bunch of drama then you need your on place. try consuling and if that don't work, leave, why have all that stress in your life. my hubby was the same way i told him if i had to pay the bills then my house better be clean and don't stress me out and i said it just like that. he changed cause he knew that i just think of him as what i call "extra" meaning i don't need him emtionally of finacially
    symle456

    Answer by symle456 at 4:43 PM on Apr. 25, 2010

  • ITA with symle456. If you're paying bills he'd better be holding down the home chores. It's what you did for him when he provided, correct? Stop yourself from name calling. It gets to be a bad habit.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:53 PM on Apr. 25, 2010

  • I was in the same situation. I was given a book by my marriage counselor that helped me immensely - it's "Boundaries" by Cloud/Townsend and I would highly recommend it. I ended up leaving my ex anyway, but it helped me get it together in the meantime. Don't start messing with your old flame, get your life straightened out first!
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 6:26 PM on Apr. 25, 2010

  • luagh your way to a better marriage, its a good course.
    IraqiVetWife

    Answer by IraqiVetWife at 9:11 PM on Apr. 25, 2010

  • I am in this situation as well. We've been married for 4 years have two children and I do the household chores and he works. He talks down to me by calling me unintellegent or crazy. The only way I found to cope with it is to be at his call for anything. I was taught that you can win someone over without a word and with deep respect. So on top of taking care of the girls (feeding, bathing, putting them down to sleep), cooking, and cleaning the house, I massage and wrap his feet up before and after work, run him everywhere he needs to go in the car, and cut his hair. I know in the end I did what is right by avoiding controversy.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:04 AM on Apr. 26, 2010

  • First of all Thank you. I was crunching a lot to explain the situation. The old flame is the reason i realized how trapped i am - i shouldn't have thoughts of what another man is able to offer vs my husband and it shouldn't look even for a second "Appealing" I AM NOT THAT WOMAN...nor have i ever wanted to be. The "thought" is what scared me,it showed me how desperate i'm truly feeling w/my relationship. My husband does not fulfill my needs emotionally or physically and my thoughts are very rarely taken into serious consideration.We have done some counseling classes but due to our finances the person is NOT trained for marriages and thus it's NOT getting to the bottom of things. He has some serious Anger issues and i'm no mat...i talk back and Yes i go on the defense QUICKLY especially due to whats said. I'm scared of not ending this & it getting worse, or leaving before the breakthru! He does TRY but we cant find common ground
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:57 AM on Apr. 26, 2010

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