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Dealing with my future in laws

Ok...here is the deal. I have been with my bf for over a year. I have 2 kids ages 5 and 7. He has a son from his previous marrigae who is 6. He and his ex share joint custody, we get him one week, she gets him one week. I have my kids all the time.
His ex is the sister of my bf's brother which means that she attends every single family function there is. Christmas, Easter, birthday parties, you name it she is there. I can deal with most of that.But now she has a new baby from a guy who is not around and lives with my bf's mom who cares for the baby and considers it her grandchild. I am pregnant with his child and don't feel like she or anyone else in his family care about that as much as they care about his ex. I don't feel like they want to make room for me in their lives unless I'm friends with his ex. I don't like her or the choices she makes and I can't understand why his mom would continuously pick her over me. HELP!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:43 AM on Apr. 26, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • be civil. you dont have to like her but be civil. i hate my mil with a passion. shes a bitch and hates me just as much but for my husbands sake we agreed to atleast be civil with eachother. we have our reasons for the way we feel about eachother and the relationship can never be mended but being civil makes us all happy.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:51 AM on Apr. 26, 2010

  • I am very civil, but my bf doesn't get why I don't want to go do certain things, like go take pics of the kids in the bluebonnets or go do crafts with all of them. How can I get him to understand my frustartion?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:54 AM on Apr. 26, 2010

  • Who cares what choices she makes, as long as she's nice to you. They have more history with her than they do you. Just be kind and don't let it get to you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:55 AM on Apr. 26, 2010

  • It's not that anyone is mean to me, no...it's that my feelings, and me, are totally disregarded by all of them.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:56 AM on Apr. 26, 2010

  • She's been a part of their family longer than you have, so it makes sense that they might be more bonded with her at this point. Give it time and try not to compare how they treat her to how they treat you. Even though it's tempting to skip many of these functions, that can actually make them think you don't like them or you are blowing them off. Even though you think they disregard you, your absence will be noticed and will send them a message you may not intend. Becoming a part of a family takes time and patience.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:05 AM on Apr. 26, 2010

  • I agree w/ the previous poster who said "even though it's tempting to skip the functions, that can actually make them think you don't like them or your are blowing them off". I know it's hard. I've been married for 21 yrs, & have a mother in law who doesn't know me, she's met me....maybe 5 times. She decided she didn't like me because I'd been married before & had a child, & couldn't be married in the Catholic Church. She never tried to get to know me. We don't live far apart, & she doesn't even know our boys, who are now 18 & 20. Her only grandchildren. I can't tell you how sad it makes me.

    One of my grandmother's had favorites, & treated some grandchildren differently than others. I think it's sad, but being part of the family is so important, even an imperfect family (unless there's abuse). Keep trying, your husband will appreciate it, your children will benefit, maybe eventually, they'll see you as part of the family
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 11:47 AM on Apr. 26, 2010

  • Yes, you should be civil.  Yes, you should continue to extend yourself even though no one seems to care.  Yes, you should attend functions, but not because of the message it may send if you don't, but because it's the right thing to do. 


    With that said...Regardless of whether he understands or sees it or not, your BF should consider your feelings above everyone else's and should defend and protect you, ESPECIALLY to his family.  Also, the choices she makes DO matter, if they insist on involving her in a family she is no longer a part of, then she will have access to your children.  It is of utmost importance that you make sure the adults in your children's lives are not of questionable character. 

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:16 PM on Apr. 26, 2010

  • i am highly confused, she is your boyfriends brothers sister? ummmm wouldnt that make her HIS sister? also it may just seem that way because she has had the baby and you are still pregnant, my kids father treats my step son like her grandson, includes him in everything and there have been times when his girlfriends would get pissed because i have ALWAYS been invited to family functions, but then agai his family like me more then they like him lol im not joking, his mom tells me everything and tells him nothing, i knew when she had a new boyfriend, i knew when she was getting married i knew when she had a miscarriage, he knew none of it! she has already said when my husband and i have a baby it will be her grandbaby too, if ths just started bothering you since being pregnant, i would say maybe its just horomones?
    mommie2twogirls

    Answer by mommie2twogirls at 12:25 PM on Apr. 26, 2010

  • She is his sister in laws sister. Two brothers married two sisters. I did not write it right! It has been ongoing since before I was pregnant. I go to all the important family functions but don't see why I need to be at a girls' craft day. More so, I don't see why his ex needs to be at a girls' craft day. I just don't see a need for her to be so involved in his family's lives anymore. They were not married for 10 years! I will continue to do all the things that I consider to be "the right thing" but I can't live the rest of my life doing things just to please others. Is it fair that I waited 30 years to meet the man I'm supposed to be with only to have to share his family with his ex wife? I deserve to have in laws too. My involvement with the family shouldn't be based upon whether or not I want to hang out with the woman my love swore to love forever! I just think it would be nice if she wasn't ALWAYS around.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:35 PM on Apr. 26, 2010

  • I'm guessing they think she NEEDS them and you are probably a strong independent woman who also has her man living with her and helping her. That's all I see it as.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 12:55 PM on Apr. 26, 2010

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