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help me with my child

Ok here is the deal me and my SD have a strained relationship. DH and I have full custody of her and her sister. They rarely speak or see bm. I have had them since August. The youngest(5) has really thrived on having rules and follows them and shows so much respect for them and me. Now the oldest(7) knows the rules, understands them... but refuses to follow any of them and shows no respect for me.
So here is my dilema. Today we come home to do homework, 2 hours later we are not done writing 15 spelling words, reading 4 vocab words and definitions, and reading for 20 minutes. I have kept on her to do her work, threatned to take things away and still refused to do it... kept playing with fingers, looking around, etc. now when dh is here it is done in about 45 minutes at the longest. So I took the tv away again. So supper rolls around. I set her and sister down to eat a taco. The youngest eats in 15 minutes. cont:

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Asked by SuzanneL09 at 8:56 PM on Apr. 27, 2010 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Level 10 (466 Credits)
Answers (6)
  • cont: 1 1/2 hours pass before the oldest is done. during this time she is playing with her food and feeding it to the dog to keep from eating it. I see her doing all these things and tell her to stop the behavior.,.. she lies and says that she was not doing that. She only does this as well when dh is not here. I say the same things dh does and it makes no difference. I am at a loss of how to punish her anymore. I have taken the tv away , taken games away, toys, etc. what do I need to do?

    Answer by SuzanneL09 at 9:00 PM on Apr. 27, 2010

  • When your DH is around you need him to sit down and talk to her and explain that she NEEDS to listen to you as well as she listens to him. Tell him not to be mean about but just talk to her and see why she treats you bad. Good luck and it will eventually get better.

    Answer by momluvsmiles at 9:11 PM on Apr. 27, 2010

  • Dh has had many conversations with her about all of this behavior and told her it is going to stop... It has not helped. We are both at a loss of what to do.

    Answer by SuzanneL09 at 9:16 PM on Apr. 27, 2010

  • I think your husband needs to have a talk with her, telling her that when he is not around, she is to obey you. That way, she is 100% responsible to him at all times. You are only his proxy, so to speak. We used this with our own children to a large extent. We had two boys and a girl. The boys always instantly obeyed Dad because, frankly, they did not want to have to deal with him and the consequences of not obeying him. When he was away, I did the best I could to discipline them, but there were certain offenses that were to be reported to Dad. One of those was disrespect for Mom. So, in some of those cases, they were actually disciplined twice, once by me and again by Dad when he got home. I think this would work very well in your family, since it sounds like she respects her dad and not you. So just fix it so that she always has to answer to him, and things should get a whole lot better in a hurry.

    Answer by NannyB. at 9:18 PM on Apr. 27, 2010

  • Thanks nanny B. She is made to tell dad every time she is disrespectful. Sometimes this works and others it does not. Dh gets home after they are in bed and only sees them for a few minutes in the mornings before school. It just drives me nuts that I am the only one that she disrespects and constantly lies to. I am constantly stressed from her behavior. ANd to me respect and love go hand in hand and respecting someone shows you love them. I know that is not how she works, but to me that is how I see things. I have to constantly remind myself that she does love me. I am constantly reminding her that I love her and when she is punished she is told that we still love her. I have been trying to get pregnant for 6 months now and this stress can not be helping me to get pregnant. We just refuse to let her control when we add on.

    Answer by SuzanneL09 at 9:27 PM on Apr. 27, 2010

  • I would keep at it. I would also work on doing some one on one fun things with her. try to get to know her. at her age, she is having a much harder time without BM than the younger one, i guarantee it. my SD is 9 now. She was 6 when I first came into the picture. her brother was 3 at the time and is now 6. SS and I have never had as many issues as I have had with SD. And its just as you said, its the little attitude and lying crap. I was firm with my rules and stuck to my guns. However, I always try to make sure we do some fun stuff together. Especially things that interest Sd because she is more emotional and has a hard time with the fact that her mom isn't the mom she wants her to be.

    You should join Mom's with Blended Families. Its a great group and you can get a lot of support there!

    Answer by aly38914290 at 10:39 AM on Apr. 28, 2010

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