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How can we help SO's daughter?

My SO and I have no clue how to handle this issue with his daughter (6y/o). One minute she is the sweetest little girl & the next she's a screaming, stomping, disrespectful little brat. She has refused to talk to anyone about her feelings or behavior until today when she told us she wanted daddy to stop kissing me, she wants daddy back with mommy.. then she refused to talk again.
Bio mom left, moved to another state to be with another man. She rarely visits & SO's daughter refuses to talk to BM when she calls. She got A LOT worse after BMs last visit and they had a "private talk" right before BM left so we kind of think BM said something to her.
I know how she feels, my mom did the same thing to me and my brother. I didnt have help from anyone & it took 15 years for me to get over it, not something we want her to go through. She's going to be seeing a counselor soon but there has to be something more we can do...

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:11 PM on May. 2, 2010 in School-Age Kids (5-8)

Answers (8)
  • one on one time with daddy, AND you. she may be feeling a bit helpless. she wants to please her mother, but that comes at a price. let her go with her daddy and have a great day with him alone... then maybe the next week you can do something with her. shes trying hard not to like you, because thats betraying her mother. just keep on giving her attention, but don't bow down to her.
    gracefulsky

    Answer by gracefulsky at 5:16 PM on May. 2, 2010

  • Yes, one on one time and then family time. Consider explaining to her that you both understand how she feels. Six is not too young to communicate. You might add that bio mom made a choice to move away and you guys can't change that for her regardless of how much it hurts.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:24 PM on May. 2, 2010

  • OP ~ She gets TONS of alone time with daddy, he even goes to school with her a couple days a week from 8-10:30. I take her at least once a week too. We try really hard to make sure she gets extra attention. With each of us having 2 kids and one of mine being autistic its difficult to get that time but we make special 1 on 1 time happen for all of them every week.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:27 PM on May. 2, 2010

  • are u guys married? i think the bm told her the reason mommys not coming around is because daddys with u. ur so daughter needs to know that u arent going anywhere. maybe try counsoling. together as a family
    knagsmom

    Answer by knagsmom at 5:39 PM on May. 2, 2010

  • OP ~ No we arent married, we plan to eventually but both of our ex's have made our divorces drag on (strange considering we were both the ones who got left!) but we are moving in together when our leases are up in a few months. We've talked to her about how I'm not here to be her new mommy etc.. but I will talk to SO about trying family counseling.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:50 PM on May. 2, 2010

  • i like the advice given, but i want to add something as well.

    even though you have told her these things before, it will take several times, years, etc. for it really sink in for her. i think the counseling will help, but you all need to continue what you are doing.

    my SD and I have a good relationship. She loves me and likes to spend a lot of time with me. She is 9. Well, even though she is great when she is here with me, she use to LIE to her mom about me. I knew she was saying stuff a while ago, but I thought it had stopped until last summer when BM pulled crap (Long story). Well, the last fight that BM and I had she said SD was saying all this mean/bad stuff about me. I stopped talking to BM because I kept being put in the middle of things. Well, BM e-mailed me and said after that fight she talked to SD and found out that SD had been lying to her to protect BM because she thought it was what BM wanted to hear
    aly38914290

    Answer by aly38914290 at 9:13 PM on May. 2, 2010

  • cont.

    She said since this second big talk that SD hasn't said anything bad about me.....all she has said is good things.

    My point with this being that it will always be a work in progress. Things will probably never be easy. And she is obviously still having issues with the divorce and then a new mother figure in her life. That was SD's problem. She had issues because she basically wants her mom to be the kind of mom that I am in a lot of ways. i know that sounds conceded, but I know that SD sees that if something really needs taken care or/done or needs a parent to be there and be involved in something, that I am the one to call on. I think she wishes that her mom did more of those things.

    It will be hard but i think you guys are taking the right steps. I want to recommend you to join the group Mom's with Blended Families. Its great!
    aly38914290

    Answer by aly38914290 at 9:16 PM on May. 2, 2010

  • Honestly I'd try family therapy.
    tomib

    Answer by tomib at 10:47 AM on May. 3, 2010

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