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I am thinking of scheduling sex with the hubby...anyone here do this with theirs and how is it working for you?

The way things are right now I really have little to no sex drive. I've been to the doctor and although I am waiting for my blood work results I was hopng to find ways to kick it back into drive...My husband is on 24-7 and he says he is getting frustrated when he is in the mood and I'd rather sleep. He's even asked me to stop touching him because that gets him all worked up and when nothing happens it just adds to his frustration. I am really trying hard and I thought perhaps if I scheduled a night or two a week ( he actually wants 3 nights a week) if that might help my libido kick into gear. I'm a mother of two girls and they really take up a lot of my time...being 6 and 3 each one keeps me so busy just busting up arguements. When night time rolls around I want to crash out...he wants me to be up for sex... I was hoping that scheduling could make a difference for us. It's got to change. I fear for my marriage.

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Asked by truetigress at 12:56 AM on May. 4, 2010 in Relationships

Level 9 (290 Credits)
Answers (24)
  • Give yourself a honeymoon every month. More to the point, give yourselves (BOTH) a break from sex, expectations of sex, asking for sex every month. Presumably, since your children are out of the baby stage, your cycle is more or less normal. During the time you're bleeding, and for X number of days after (for me it's seven days after the last day of bleeding), NO SEX. NO SEXUAL TOUCH. No asking for it in any way. By the time our break is up, we're both ready for it again. We treat our first night back together like a mini honeymoon. It's a head trick that might help you. Will probably drive your hubby to drink for a few months but it just might work, lol. Sometimes, when there are no expectations, it's easier to get back the interest and desire.
    Good getting checked out at the doctor also. Never know, there could be a hormone issue at play as well. :-)

    Answer by eema.gray at 1:19 AM on May. 4, 2010

  • I have 2 girls as well, except both of them are 3 years younger than your girls. I have a 3 1/2 year old and 7 month old. I know exactly what you mean when you say that you are just too tired because you are constantly working with your girls. Like you, My day starts when the 7 month old wakes up at 5am to nurse to sometime after midnight because the 3 1/2 year old is afraid to sleep in her room. When I lay down, I will go to sleep in less than a minute because of the day which includes about 6 hrs of driving, cooking, 2 hrs of cleaning, nursing, and the list goes on. My husband gets worked up certain days and to be honest (it's tmi and sad) he told me the next day after sex that it was terrible because I was sleep during the whole thing. However, a schedule didn't work for me because 2 girls that young keep me busy. You may not be able to have a libido on that scheduled night because of the day's activities.

    Answer by janel09 at 1:35 AM on May. 4, 2010

  • for me, the less i have it, the less i want it. weird right? sometimes i only see my BF once a week and that KILLS my sex drive.. but the weeks where i see him 3-4 nights, by the last night, i crave him! i crave touching him, him touching me, etc. the more i get it, the more i want it.. the first or second night, i'm never really in the mood, but by the 3rd- i am.

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:42 AM on May. 4, 2010

  • Strangely enough, I had this very conversation with my gyno. I had lost my libido and yes he did all the necessary blood-work, and it turned out that I had a couple of things out of whack. My doctor told me to definitely start "just doing it" as practice, he even encouraged me to masturbate to help "kick start" my libido. Amazingly enough, along with the medication, practicing with masturbation worked. My doctor's take on it was that there IS a mental percentage to almost everything physical and if I could jump start the mental (along with the help of the medicine) the body would most likely follow suite. It worked.

    and on another note- your DH is not being mean by telling you that when you touch him it just frustrates him - my first marriage was sexless (on his part) - it is true, when you're deprived, sometimes just the other person's presence can be sexual torture. It definitely means that he still wants you . GL

    Answer by ItsNotSoBad at 2:04 AM on May. 4, 2010

  • Ladies these are really good suggestions...that is why I was thinking of scheduling a time. That certain day I would do everything I could NOT to do anything other than make sure my kids were fed and to have fun. That way maybe I wouldn't be so worn out by the time he wanted sex that I'd be ready for him.
    You are definitely right about the husband expects something to happen and when it doesn't he gets frustrated and then I feel inadequate. I was hoping too that when I saw the OBGYN he would tell us that it could be thyroid. Instead, perhaps because he looked like he was having a bad day, he instead said ..."oh well there really is nothing to do about that. Some women lose their libido as they care for children and stuff.".........Perhaps he was having the same issues with his wife. So instead of getting the extra boost from a health care professional instead my husband was even more frustrated ....

    Answer by truetigress at 2:05 AM on May. 4, 2010

  • Make sure you're getting a FULL thyroid panal (that's TSH, T3, T4), as well as checking for anemia, Vit D deficiency, Vit B complex deficiency, estrogen and progesterone are working properly, and TESTOSTERONE. Women normally have a little testosterone present but if you've too much, it can KILL your libido, among other things. A metabolic panal also, to screen out blood sugar and insulin issues.
    Oh, and heart problems too!
    The libido is sort of an early warning system. Yes, stress and motherhood can kill the libido but that shouldn't rule out a thorough physical. If the libido is off and hasn't always been low, chances are there is something physical going on. I mean, look at guys. Guys with ED aren't told to de stress and "it happens." No, they get checked out for heart disease and a host of other potential physical causes. We women need to insist on the same standard of care!

    Answer by eema.gray at 2:13 AM on May. 4, 2010

  • ....and that didn't help me at all. I felt even more inadequate, and then sex suddenly became that "thing you do to make your husband happy" that I had hoped he wouldn't bring up again. I like to be touched. I brought up the subject of scheduling sex before he left for work tonight. He told me straight up that he doesn't mind as long as we can do it. Right now we've been sexless for a few months. Even on our anniversary we left the kids with grandma overnight. We saw a movie, ate dinner and had a really nice date. It was also a day I had chosen to sift through the kids toys and get rid of a lot of them. By the time we went to bed, he was ready...I fell asleep on him. Some anniversary. As he said "It started out great and then...all my hopes were dashed when you fell asleep" He also mentioned things have got to change. His frustration is blooming into other areas of his life. His family, co workers..he is angry at the world.

    Answer by truetigress at 2:17 AM on May. 4, 2010

  • YOU cannot frustrate him. He his responsible for his own feelings and emotions.
    Maybe some couples therapy?
    It really sounds like a mental thing - he wants and your brain resists the wants. Is your marriage otherwise sound? Do you communicate well? What's going on in the rest of your life as a couple (don't have to answer these here, just some things to think about).
    It almost sounds like he's blaming the lack of sex on you because something in HIS life feels uncontrollable - something at work perhaps.

    Answer by eema.gray at 2:24 AM on May. 4, 2010

  • as far as I know it is the full thryroid check...I just haven't gotten the results because our insurance has to send the lab work to another hospital and then through the insurance. So instead of waiting for a phone call from our OBGYN I have to wait til insurance sends me a letter on the results. It sucks but that's our insurance through my husband's job. We literally have to jump through hoops til everyone is satisfied.

    As far as my libido. I didn't have much of one to begin with. At least before I had wanted it when the husband did. 2-3 times a week was not a stretch. Now it seems like "just another chore" on my list of chores.

    Answer by truetigress at 2:26 AM on May. 4, 2010

  • Two to three times a week sounds pretty average to me . . . . that's about what we were at until the babies came along. Now we're lucky to get once a week and that's assuming the little one (who sleeps with us yet) stays asleep long enough for us to get busy somewhere else in the house. :-P

    Answer by eema.gray at 2:28 AM on May. 4, 2010

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