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what about finances?!?

How much do finances play a role in your decisons? I have met someone who has debt. It is about $30,000 debt. I have No debt and dont want any. He sold his house and began staying with his parents while his mom was ill. (he is 28) He now has the opportunity to stay with his dad and pay off debt. I have told him I won't marry him unless he pays this debt off first. I want him to have his income available to put towards a household. I am willing to split the cost but I'm not paying for a house while he pays for dirt bikes, trucks and4wheelers. He just isnt good with money and i want him to learn this before we have a house together. I already went thru the struggle and paid off my debt..I want him to do it now while he can live bill free!!! Would you marry someone with debt if you were debt free?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 10:45 AM on May. 4, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (14)
  • maybe its just me but i think its a bit selfish not to marry someone until their debt is cleared.... but i understand some of what you mean, i just feel if you truly love someone, the size of their debt shouldnt matter as long as he can come up with some cash! if he was just flat out broke then yes hold off. i have a friend and she had good credit and her hubbys was terrible and she married him anyway and they were able to help support each other and help get his debt under control. frankly if i were that guy i wouldnt want to marry you if money was that big of a deal

    Answer by secondtyme520 at 10:49 AM on May. 4, 2010

  • The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If he is 28 and is $30,000 in debt from buying dirt bikes he isn't going to "learn". If he is $30,000 in debt because he helped feed and pay for meds for his sick mother that would be a different story. If the debt is student loan debt, almost everyone that went to college has student loan debt.

    It sounds like being debt free is very important to you and not so important to him. If it was important to him he wouldn't be $30,000 in debt and living with his family. Money is a major stressor in marriage. It may be best if you ended the relationship.


    Answer by Gailll at 10:56 AM on May. 4, 2010

  • I agree with you but its not really about the money as much as it is about his understanding of money. i dont think he has a clear understanding about how much stuff costs and I kinda want him to grasp it before my dd and I have tostruggle with him. I think it is just immaturity. He grew up spoiled and is used to having what he wants but now he wants a family. I totally love him but I struggled with my ex putting his needs first with alcohol and blowing family money. I feel like now Im with a nice guy but his need for toys cant come before the needs of the family. I wouldnt mind $10,000 debt or so on a vehicle but almost all his income is eaten up with payments and I refuse to support more of the household than him. I already struggled and paid off my debt and i think as a man of the household he should take advantage of this year and pay as much off as he reasonably can.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:57 AM on May. 4, 2010

  • Like the previous poster said, I wouldn't be as concerned about the debt itself as much as his level of financial responsibility. Financial stress is really hard on a relationship, it sounds like you have very different ideas about finances. I wouldn't marry him until he paid off his debt.

    Answer by Scuba at 11:00 AM on May. 4, 2010

  • I agree with you, he is very financially irresponsible. If you two get married now then his debt is YOURS as well. I couldn't be with someone with that kind of immaturity

    Answer by Zakysmommy at 11:01 AM on May. 4, 2010

  • I dont think its selfish at all. Love is grand and all that BUT debt is horrid. and as Gaill said, if he had been helping someone or the debt had been for something like a house and in this economy he lost it...but to buy "toys"? and at 28 to have that type of debt and have to move back with parents? no way . NO NO...if you like this guy you can try to help him larn to spend more wisely and live debt free, but you cant force that...if after a few months he shows no motivaation on his own to try, move on.

    Answer by Bearsjen at 11:01 AM on May. 4, 2010

  • If he is 28 living with his parents, buying 'toys' and has that much debt/financial troubles now it would make me worry what he will be like 10, 15, 20 years from now? Will he ever man-up take responsibility and pay off his debts, or will he always be loose with his finances?
    If it were me, I would not be able to marry or be in a relationship with someone so financially irresponsible.

    Answer by MizLee at 11:17 AM on May. 4, 2010

  • I wouldn't marry someone with that much debt. If you are good with money, and he isn't then finances will probably become a huge source of arguments in your marriage. Maybe together the two of you could take some financial courses at a seminar or through the local community college?

    Answer by missanc at 11:35 AM on May. 4, 2010

  • This is realy sad that if you love simeone that you have to put limits on that love in order to move forward. Why do you have condtion on love? Before moveing forward.. Why not work together to inprove each other. The way the word is today people get laid off and they go into deit but some don't throw in the towel and give up on their parter.
    I feel sorry that your guy made some wrong choice in the way he handles his money instead of kicking him when he is down why not show him the way out. maybe he didn't have good role modles.Why are you teating him like a child/?
    I don't think you love him so do your self a favor walk away he deserves better. You say you want to live dieit free well good luck on that one. You want a perfect life well there is no such thing it is only how you make itt !!!!!!!!!!
    i hope he doesn't want to marry you because if he does he will be jumping through hoops just to make you happy. Let him go.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:40 AM on May. 4, 2010

  • 11:40 anon- I feel I just have standards. I have given him th tools to improve his situation. I have helped him make a budget and I encourage him. he has listened to the dave ramsey cds. He has a good job and can pay the debt if he changes his spending habits. I do live debt free. I only have payments on my house. I am a single mom and i busted my *ss workign more than one job for a short time so I oculd pay off debt and now I live stress free on my 1 income. I think he is just immature in this area and I want him to take advantage of this time to reduce debt and not add to it. In dating you are supposed to see if you can live with certain things and I cant live with him buying stuff and making payments and letting me support the household.

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:47 AM on May. 4, 2010

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