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Have you ever actually been with an abusive man and he changed?

My ex was just released from jail for threatening me, he has been going to anger management, counseling, AA, and a bunch of other classes (voluntarily some of them, and some court ordered) . We are talking about getting back together.. Have you ever been with, or know someone who has changed his or her ways?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 3:07 PM on May. 6, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • Don't do it. Wise up! He's never going to change. He will always have a temper and the urge to want to hit something. There are plenty of men out there who DON'T need anger management and who DON'T hit women. Find one of them. Forget the loser. Leave his ass in the fucking garbage where he belongs!
    GinNTonic

    Answer by GinNTonic at 3:10 PM on May. 6, 2010

  • I wouldnt take a chance..there are plenty of good guys out there and I would look for one of them if i were you. He may change but it takes a long time and alot of work. most dont change.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:10 PM on May. 6, 2010

  • I've been with an abusive man. Now he is the ex abusive man that still tried to dominate and be abusive once in awhile.
    In my experience, they do not change. They may be sincere with wanting to change and may even be better for a little while but thier brain is wired to be agressive. One wrong move and they snap. Hard to teach an old dog new tricks.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:12 PM on May. 6, 2010

  • I agree with anon :12 Honestly hon I would RUN RUN RUN and just be glad you got out b4 it got worse.
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 3:13 PM on May. 6, 2010

  • no and why would you do that to yourself? Its great that he's getting help but why do you need that drama or fear? Plus anger management doesn't work for domestic abuse. Its a fact. The reason is that it only deals with the anger and not why the anger is manifesting itself in the relationship. As long as he isn't at the core of the problem you are at risk. Why not start clean with a guy who doesn't need a litany of therapy credentials to not hit women? Unless he's been doing this for years, I highly doubt he has had enough of a true behavioral change to not be a risk to you. Please please think of yourself and presumably your child before you invite a troubled person into your life.
    mrs_pulley

    Answer by mrs_pulley at 3:14 PM on May. 6, 2010

  • mrspully he is taking domestic violence classes... One of the things is, he never actually ever hit me... ever... just threatened me...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:20 PM on May. 6, 2010

  • No. Once an abuser, always an abuser.

    I left, and came back... he played nice for a while, and it only got worse. and worse. and worse. It took me 7 years, and almost cost me my life to get out.
    ObbyDobbie

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 3:21 PM on May. 6, 2010

  • Went through this myself,,left when he threw me into a wall, my dd was one. I hardly got the RO from court, that was back in 93. He started counsiling and got sober,,,we got back together. I lived another 10 yrs in abuse before I finally called 911 on him. Bailed him out of jail twice! Then,,,CPS showed up, told me it was my kids or him. I have been seperated from him for 7 yrs and divorced for 4 yrs. Mine went to jail too, for a year, got a felony conviction for dv. Took three years to get my divorce from him, cuase he was so manipulative and asked for soooo many extensions. Dont take him back, counseliing doesnt work. I spent so much time and energy on this relationship,,,what a waste of my youth....run,,and dont look back
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:28 PM on May. 6, 2010

  • First, irregardless of whether or not he can change, it's going to take a LONG time to get his life back in order and for him to get into a place where he CAN be healthy. Period. End of story. A man that is has done jail time for anger issues and who is in AA needs first and foremost to focus on fixing HIM and getting healthy. He can't do that AND manage a relationship. He's not ready to get involved again even if he could change.

    I know you say he hasn't hurt you - but honey, no one goes to jail for simple "talk." It was some pretty serious talk for him to do any time at all and to land where he's landed.

    Do what's right for *you* and right now that means getting healthy -- both of you. Fix your esteem. You deserve more than an addict who can't control his temper. You deserve someone that can adore you for the great person you are. Find him - not this guy.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:34 PM on May. 6, 2010

  • From personal experiences, abusive men/women - do not change. They can give you the perception that they have changed but when the dust settles and the smoke clears, you'll see them for the person that they really are "an abuser".

    Since his threats to you, what have you done to build back up your self esteem? For me, I would be more worried about trusting him back into my life, considering the fact that he threatened me. I couldn't trust him...wouldn't trust him cause I love me too much...
    mom2mybabes

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 5:43 PM on May. 6, 2010

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