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husbands gambling. leave or stay?

im thinking i need to leave my husband. weve been together 3 yrs and hes gambled the whole time. im just getting so sick of it. i mentioned going away for memorial weekend and he had nerve to say "you know thats going to cost money". we have no kids together or in our home and he pays the bills (i contribute) but i looked at his bank statement last month and he spent over $8000 at casinos! thats just a month! hes now tapping into his retirement. im scared if i stay i will be old and broke! the success rate of recovering from this addiction is very poor and hes not even seeking help. weve talked about this in the past and hes admitted to a problem but has never sought help. ive made an appointment to see a counselor next week. im going to ask him if i should stay and try to help him (if he wants help) or just cut my losses and divorce him. i'm turning 40 this year and i feel like im running out of time!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:20 PM on May. 7, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (11)
  • Protect your assets.......... get an attorney and freeze them if they are not in your name, otherwise withdraw tham and get a safety deposit box. Then demand he gets help or follow through with what you need to do. He's going to lose it anyway... better to you than a casino.
    GMMOLLY

    Answer by GMMOLLY at 1:40 PM on May. 7, 2010

  • It really depends on what you want to do. My husband when through a gambling addiction and got over it. It was a really hard time in our lives, our youngest was under a year old. He was never home and lying all the time. I was convinced he must have a girlfriend on the side that he was spending all his earnings on.
    It all came to a head when I'd had enough and told him we were done and he had to leave. My mom didn't want me to be a single mother of 3 young children and forced us to go to marriage counseling. That's where I found out about the gambling. It turned out that he was hurting too.
    What happened is he decided he loved his family more than his addiction and quit. Actually, he screwed up a few times and told me right away. We worked through it and are happy now.

    I'll check back to your question if there is anything you want to ask me.
    GL
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:44 PM on May. 7, 2010

  • GMMOLLY hit it right on the head. Make sure he cannot tap whatever you brought to the marriage. Insist he get help. If he refuses, the marriage is indeed over.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 2:06 PM on May. 7, 2010

  • as i said, im seeing the counselor next week and will ask this question too, how long do i wait on him to "get better" if he does decide to get help? i know it will be an ongoing life process but will i ALWAYS have to police him?! it sounds horrible and i do love him but im thinking i should just cut my losses and go.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:10 PM on May. 7, 2010

  • if you stay nothing changes if you leave and ask him to stop he might change. when or if he changes you can then go back to him but i wouldn't until he hasn't in a yr gambled and has been seeing someone for help.
    melody77

    Answer by melody77 at 2:55 PM on May. 7, 2010

  • I'm anon :44
    This is how it works. You tell him that you can no longer deal with the gambling and if he does not seek help and stop that you are done with him and the marriage. Make sure he understands that you are serious and mean what you say. If he doesn't stop, it means that you are second place to his addiction and the best thing you could do for either of you is end the relationship.
    Before you confront the problem, You should be calm and have your thoughts together. You need to focus on making him see the enormity of the problem so that he is forced to make a decision to get help for the problem. Tell him all your worries and concerns. Most people focus on the financial side of gambling, but there is also an emotional side. I felt neglected and taken advantage of, even when we did stuff together his mind was always somewhere else.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:21 PM on May. 7, 2010

  • cont.
    Once he knows where your coming from and that you won't stand for it. The rest is up to him. Either way, you'll find out right away and won't take that long. The most important thing is that you do what you say.

    I'm wondering if his gambling has ever got him in trouble? Like blowing the bill money, borrowing money, then blowing that money trying to win back the money he already lost, and borrowing more money and getting cut off notices and late charges and what not. Is that why he's borrowing from his retirement? It really is a huge nasty deserate circle that you can't jump out of. Maybe what he really wants and needs is for someone to make him stop. My husband eventually told me how miserable he was and how thankful he was that I put a stop to it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:31 PM on May. 7, 2010

  • i had a friend go through a similar situation recently... they haven't been married but a few years with a young son. she is now happily divorced. i watched her suffer for quite a while hoping he would change. her husband was like yours - not willing to admit there was a problem, and not caring about her needs. you can wait it out... indefinitely... or you can get on with living your life. life is too short to suffer because someone else sucks.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 4:53 PM on May. 7, 2010

  • I lived through a similar situation. We didn't have our home yet or children. I found out he was doing this after our checking account was $1000 overdrawn and people were calling to get their money from the bounced checks. He still lied about it after I confronted him with the bank info and proof of where he was. I was leaving, there was not going to be a second chance for him after this. But we had some unexpected friends from his military days drop in. We faked the happy couple, and ended up working it out. And he's never done it again. Second to cheating, this is my deal breaker. Try to talk to him, maybe he needs a reason to quit (you leaving if he doesn't) GL
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:34 PM on May. 7, 2010

  • thank you ladies for all your advice/support. ive got some decisions to make because i cant continue to close my eyes to this diaster. im talking to an addiction counselor Monday and will get his insight and advice too.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:15 AM on May. 8, 2010

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