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My MIL wants to "prove" I can trust her... HELP!

My MIL lives in CA currently. WHen my husband was 17 (he is 23 now) she ran out on the family, taking her two daughters (2 and 5 years younger than hubby) and exposed them to drugs and sex. She had a couple of affairs. She was an alcoholic, into drugs, etc.
She married a psycho and then realized how psycho and moved to CA with another guy (still married to psycho, with divorce papers in). Hubby talks to her on the phone often. Which is fine. However, today she mentioned she is having her mail sent elsewhere b/c the "creditors are after her".
I am starting school soon. She wants to help pay for my school (with the money she does have that's hers) and watch our son while I go, to help us out. ie... move out here. With us. So she wants to prove to me, however she can, that I can trust her. (My family would have a freakin' fit and probably call CPS if we let her.. they live same town as us). My hubby is all for her coming. HELP!

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 5:27 PM on May. 8, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • OP HERE: Her daughters are ok just majorly screwed up now... and they did go back home to my dh's dad after awhile.

    She IS nice, but I don't know if she has changed. If it is possible. her mom is even MORE psycho than she is. She says she is a christian... but what christian lives how she is... is she just that confused? Any more background that you need, let me know!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:30 PM on May. 8, 2010

  • OH MY GOODNESS...you sound so much like me! I feel so bad for you, you are in a predicament!

    I can tell you what I have done in situations like this, I have always went ahead and prepared other arrangements for my kids, usually with my family, before hand and acted "stupid" to my dh mothers offers...as if I had no idea, but so sorry, but my mom was planning on watching them..lol.

    But also, what about a preschool or something? You didnt say how old son was, but a great preschool is a good reason to avoid MIL. you can say you really want him to go for socialization, learning...etc.

    I feel for you! My dh would be the same way, his mother can do no wrong! EVER!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:31 PM on May. 8, 2010

  • There are ways for her to prove she is able to be trusted other than by watching your child. You didn't write one thing that makes me think she has earned the responsibility of that. She sounds like she is trying to run away from something or someone. If your DH wants her around, let him deal with her. She is his mother so he will probably never see what a train wreck she really is. Maybe you'll get lucky and she really has changed but I would not feel at all comfortable with someone you described alone with my children. Stand your ground if you don't want her to.
    wildflowers25

    Answer by wildflowers25 at 5:33 PM on May. 8, 2010

  • She is saying a lot of things I wouldn't, just to be safe anybody can say what we want to hear to get their way. Even if they are family. I wouldn't she would have to do more than what she has said for me to welcome her in my home MIL or not. GL Of course dh is all for it that is his mom I wish you luck girl
    Butterfly1108

    Answer by Butterfly1108 at 5:37 PM on May. 8, 2010

  • Noooooooooooooooooooooo. I'd tell her she doesn't have to prove anything to anyone but herself. If you allow this, then you are enabling her from growing up. I know that sounds backwards but as an alcoholic (or former alcoholic with poor choice tendencies) she still has issues and shouldn't take on major responsibility like that. Too much could overwhelm her and trigger an episode. I'd tell hubby that it's a great thing that she wants to help but that you have it all under control. Tell him you don't want to impose on her kindness, that you want her to just love you, dh and the kids not take on the responsibility of caring for them while you are in school. The kids would like socializing with other kids anyway. Grandparents are for visiting, not for long term stuff especially with her background. I'm not judging her as a person but her behavior. There is a difference and you can't take the chance of her reverting back to it.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 5:40 PM on May. 8, 2010

  • I would do baby steps and not start with the kid. See if she can maintain her own apartment and a job to support and care of herself. Ensure the divorce is final. Then see if she can be responsible enough to show up for a dinner once a week and be appropriate with your son. If she can do this for several months then see if she can babysit for a few hours just before bed time, to see if she can be responsible and put him to bed, follow your house rules, and while he is asleep be appropriate. Then look into upping the time and the responsible for her as long as she maintains an appropriate life style and is responsible. Also see if other family member could help out and just say that x person is already sitting. The pre-school idea is a great excuse.

    DevilInPigtails

    Answer by DevilInPigtails at 5:50 PM on May. 8, 2010

  • Don't leave your kid with her. That takes YEARS of earning trust & she is just not there yet.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 5:55 PM on May. 8, 2010

  • I like the moving out here and getting an apartment and job idea. You are right, she should not be given less responsibility... she needs to take care of herself, on her own for awhile.
    My son is 20 months, not quite there for most preschools. I know my fam. can sit... it is more hubby's wanting it... I think he wants to see the best in his mom when no one else does... but I love my son too much.
    I am posting anon to protect HER identity, by the way. I could care less if people knew who I was butttttttt... yea. lol
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:59 PM on May. 8, 2010

  • *her identity and my hubby's. I know he would be pretty upset if he knew people KNEW about his mother... *shrug*
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:01 PM on May. 8, 2010

  • I would allow supervised at first, then move on to 1 hour unsupervised... do it for months before allowing more. That way you're working with your hubby, as well as not giving too much of your comfort up. : )

    Sorry you're in the situation. With her track record, she likely deep down understands the resistance to give her all trust immediately back.
    Skepticchick

    Answer by Skepticchick at 6:18 PM on May. 8, 2010

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