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Should I let my boys biolocical mom in our life?

I adopted my cousins boys when they were 4 and 5. She has flit in and out of our lives since then. The boys are now 12 and 13. The 13 year old went back to live with her for about a year when he was 8. Since he became abusive of her, to the point she sent him back to us, she hasn't wanted anything to do with us. Now I've been email her updates on us for the last couple of years she hasn't reponded untill resently, and then it was only once. Should I keep trying? She and I were raised more as sisters than cousins, so lossing her has been difficult for me as well as the boys, I'm at a loss. I love her dearly but the boys have to be no. 1. I just don't know what to do.


Asked by Las80 at 1:08 PM on Jun. 27, 2008 in Adoption

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Answers (9)
  • I have much the same situation with boys very close to the ages of yours. My relationship with their BM is different, but I love her dearly.  For years--nearly 10, she did not even call to ask how they were, but since I am in contact with her mother, she could ask her. Anyway, my decision was not to allow contact, because we have had some major emotional hurdles to overcome and come a long, long way over time. I cannot risk emotional setbacks for them when they are making progress and coming close to manhood.

    Sometimes we have to make decisions that will protect our children and their growth and development toward maturity.  I agree with those who said talk to them and see what they want--let them have a voice in the decision, but the final word should be yours. Let them know they always have the option to locate her when they are grown.

    Answer by 2ndtimeMom3 at 2:01 AM on Jul. 2, 2008

  • i think that children at that age are old enough to decide that one on their own. if they want to see her keep trying, if not then let it go for now.

    Answer by Penny0222 at 1:24 PM on Jun. 27, 2008

  • I think they are old enough to know what's going on and HELP make the decision. I do think they should have a say but still at that age, they don't always know what's best. But I would be honest with them and tell them what's really going on. Ask them how they feel.

    Answer by DDry at 3:08 PM on Jun. 27, 2008

  • If they want to see their real mom then yes keep trying, but if they dont, then dont force them to. 12 and 13 is old enough that if the judge asked them in court if they wanted to see her they could both say no and she wouldnt be able to force them to see her. Your the legal mom and I commend you for trying to keep the biologial mom in their lives, but if she wont contact them or you, why keep stressing over it? There is a reason people from your past are not in your present future.

    Answer by vbruno at 3:12 PM on Jun. 27, 2008

  • i say you keep trying but her decision is up to her not you - i would be afraid that the boys would think i stopped contact with her and i would make sure i continually kept in touch on my side - the boys can make their own minds up about her when they are old enough to understand.

    Answer by vakatia at 4:52 PM on Jun. 27, 2008

  • The boys are old enough to make their own minds up whether they would or would not want her in their lives. I was adopted when I was a baby. I have never found my biological mother. I have counted that as a blessing. Let the boys make up their own mind. All I can say is for you to be there for them. She still may not want to have anything to do with them but it also shows them that you have always been there for them and will always be there. In the long run they will appreciate you that much better.

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:54 PM on Jun. 27, 2008

  • Honesty is always the best road to travel. Let the boys know, in the most age-appropriate way, what is happening as you continue to keep contact with their mother. If they would like to see you continue to try, then do so. If they are not interested, at this point, in having a relationship with their mother, you cannot push the issue. If you feel you need to keep trying for contact because of a loss you have, explain that to them and continue your efforts. No matter which path you and the boys choose, it is up to the birth mother to respond or not and, unfortunately, she is the only one who can control that. God bless and best wishes to your family.

    Answer by kerijo143 at 11:36 PM on Jun. 27, 2008

  • i was adopted when i was 5. i remember everything about it. my adopted mom would not let my real mom come around after that, and it confused me so much. cause on day i had two moms then the next she was gone. and i didn't see her again til i was in the fifth grade. i would say what ever you decide make sure that is constant. if she is going to be in their life make sure she stays if not it is way to confusing to go from she is here and now she isn't.

    Answer by calaloni at 6:26 PM on Jun. 30, 2008

  • If you look at all the other questions in adoption most are people looking for parents or children. I would continue to keep tabs on her and know where she is. update just like you do the rest of the family. at somepoint they will want to see each other.

    Answer by Lyndall at 10:44 AM on Jul. 1, 2008