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I have no self identity

I have been married for 6 years & out of those 6 yrs i think that my husband had been home for 2 yrs & thats not stright. He is military and had 3 years till he can retire. My 5 year old has ADHD & when we go out she is all over the place & I have no patients for it. It makes me want to not go out. I no that i need them but the patients that i did have they are all goone. I had to deal with his ex-wife while he was gone cause he had full-custody of his girls. I feel like i have given up my goals and dreams for him slowly but surely. Im not the type to stay at home & let him take care of eveything. I have to think what if he wants to leave can i take care of myself type. I dont like to depend on no body moreless a man. I have been in school for ever. with the stress of him over seas & the girls i cant give school 100%. So i feel like im going through a mid-life crisis & im about to explosed on the wrong people. What do I do?

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 5:22 PM on May. 9, 2010 in General Parenting

Answers (9)
  • Go to school. Get a part time job in the evenings. Do something. With school, you can even get financial assistance for being a military spouse. You can do just one or two classes just for fun.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:28 PM on May. 9, 2010

  • I would ignore the first anonymous who obviously isn't a very nice person.

    Can you talk to your husband about this? I think you really need to, and if you can't you really need to talk to someone about all this. Talking will really help you figure out what you want to do to help make things easier for you and to help you achieve things for yourself and not just your family. I think its important you do communicate with your husband about this and get him to help you work it out because I could not imagine being in your position at all. I see my boyfriend everyday and we both work from home - I don't think I could cope without seeing him everyday on top of looking after our 2 year old, running a business and continuing my ambitions. It makes things easier to have your partner close to you.

    Talking is a good starting point. Find support and help. I am sorry I can't suggest much more.

    Answer by keyaziz at 5:33 PM on May. 9, 2010

  • I am assuming that you knew he was in the military before you married him. So you knew what you were getting into. Taking care of kids is a FULL time JOB! I dont think I have ever heard someone say that they have no identity jus because they stay at home with their kids. I stay at home with my boys and they are my life! If youdont want to stay with them anymore then get a job. Whats so hard about this? Dont like your situation change it. and the first anon is right, take a few English courses before you do anything.

    Answer by Amanda7891 at 5:37 PM on May. 9, 2010

  • To Amanda7891: Just because she knew he was military before she married him, did not mean she really knew what she was getting into - ditto for dealing with the EX. And I have heard of women who have identity issues through staying at home. Personally I am very full-filled staying at home being very involved and all of that. Yes, I want to further my education and get a career outside the home, but currently that isn't feasible.

    This mom is asking for help and explaining her feelings in her situation. Obviously she is feeling stuck/trapped. And sometimes its not so easy to just go out and get a job. I think some of the moms on here need to take a breath and give people the benefit of the doubt more often.

    I would try to make some friends that can help you get out more and find your identity outside of being a mother and go between for the ex. I would definately talk to your DH as well. It may feel good just to tell him

    Answer by aly38914290 at 8:16 PM on May. 9, 2010

  • I was a military wife for the 21 years my DH was in the Air Force.He was gone so often and we had three kids---one of them born while he was in Thailand. I was lonely but having those children kept me so busy and so concerned with THEM that I had no time to spend wondering about my "identity". I was me, a wife and a mother and an AirForce wife. That was good enough for me. Life can be simple,uncomplicated and rewarding if you want it to be. Just be glad youu are alive and not alone.

    Answer by gertie41 at 8:28 PM on May. 9, 2010

  • Aren't the kids in school? (or will be in Fall) Sign up and go then. You can even take classes online. My dd takes classes online at night when her three boys are asleep. Organize your time and all will be well. Never give up on your own dreams

    Answer by admckenzie at 8:58 PM on May. 9, 2010

  • You should try one of the military spouse groups for suggestions. Is your 5yo in school yet? If not, perhaps you can find a support group for parents in your position. Taking just one online course may help you more than the anticipated stress of having one more task may cause.

    My 6yo has had some behavior issues that have kept my home bound in the past--when my dh was traveling a lot which made it that much harder.

    Answer by happytexasCM at 9:04 PM on May. 9, 2010

  • Military life sucks and it's hard. Your spouse is always gone, you have to deal with the dumbest people on the planet, the rules and bureaucracy you have deal with just to get a Dr. appointment can bring someone to their breaking point, I know I've been there too. I'm 6 years deep in this life and wondering how I'm going to make it the next ten because it drives me crazy. When you're a military wife you don't get to have a self, you're a wife, mother and house keeper. This is a not a life that affords for you to realistically be anything else, and it sucks and no one tells you that in the beginning. You have to do what you can when you can, there are special programs that will provide respite care for your child with special needs and any other children in the home. There are support groups although the ones here haven't been too helpful or supportive. Hang in there and count the days he's almost retired.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:25 PM on May. 9, 2010

  • Let me just say that you don't know what it's like to be a military spouse until you are one. Even still you don't really know until you've been one for a few years so saying she already knew he was in the military is BS. I've been one for 5 years and am just now seeing how unmanageable it can be. Being a SAHM mom can be a struggle, dealing with children that require more of you can be taxing, you have to find a way to be okay with it. I know sometimes it's feels like you can't and just want to cry and run away but you can get through it. I was not made to a SAHM, I went to school, had a better paying job than my husband and had dreams that are never going to be realized as my family now needs and deserves all my attention. It's hard to be okay with but you have to be because you can't go back. Hold your head up, try and find reason to smile everyday and find something you really love an explore it. Good luck, hang in there!

    Answer by mrsjonzy at 10:35 PM on May. 9, 2010

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