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In refence to being called "birth mom"

While I totally understand your anger about calling your child's bio mom, "mom". Also look at the other side. Not all of us birthmothers are aweful, cruel, drug using, sleeping around, unable to hold a job type of person.

When I placed my second daughter 3 yrs ago into an "open adoption", I knew that there was going to be this strong bond amongst us all. That there would be some sore of "nickname" for me. I was wrong. I am called by my first name. I HATE that. I dont allow my children I parent to call me by my first name. I am "mom" to them. Now I know I am NOT her mom, but what is wrong with having a nickname. Something specail to us all invovled?

Your thoughts? Suggestion?

Answer Question
 
TLW514

Asked by TLW514 at 1:11 PM on May. 11, 2010 in Adoption

Level 7 (186 Credits)
Answers (18)
  • I could see the desire to be something special to her, but it seems to me that you let that go when you gave her up for adoption. Not trying to be mean at all, it just makes sense to me....
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:25 PM on May. 11, 2010

  • anon who cares what they call the birth mom as long as at the end of the day they are calling you mommy? Yes I think you should have a special name........ lol no really.....
    pinkdragon36

    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 1:37 PM on May. 11, 2010

  • It is DIFFERENT!!! She's not talking about your situation. She got her child from the foster care system.. Which means her child was beaten, abused, molested or completely neglected. The mother wasn't doing what is right for her child... She was abusing it and in that situation she should not be called birth mother.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:33 PM on May. 11, 2010

  • Anon, Not all birth parents in the foster care system are these heinous animals that you have in your mind. Every one of those parents were born as a helpless infant themselves and it may have been what they suffered at the hands of their own parents or others, they may have led them down a path of destruction. Those of us who are "living the good life" shouldn't be so arrogant and quick to judge, but to realize that, if life handed us a different set of circumstances, we might be in a different place altogether.

    PS-I am not saying that their children shouldn't have been taken if they aren't able to take care of them properly. I am saying that it's a slippery slope when we start placing blame. But for the Grace of God....there go I.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 3:12 PM on May. 11, 2010

  • Since you hate being called by your first name, then let the adoptive parents know that, and ask to be called by whatever name you want.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 3:34 PM on May. 11, 2010

  • Doodle::: This is the anon.. and my husband and I are adopting through foster care. We are currently fostering our two soon to be adopted children. And there is such a small exception. Our social worker said that only two children out of the 278 in our county that are in custody weren't neglect in some way. One was the parents had passed away and the other was the mom got extremely sick and is in the hospital and they can't find the dad right now. But yes, the rest are due to drugs, neglect, or abuse. And I'm sorry, you're right, things might be different but I would never endanger my children's lives or do something that could possibly get them taken away. That's the difference in a good parent and bad parent.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:39 PM on May. 11, 2010

  • OP-Because of the adoption coming thru the state, we are calling our son's birth mom by her first name right now, while we are developing our relationship, because of the issues that brought our son into foster care. Until we know for sure that she can stay clean, that she can be appropriate around him, it's what I feel comfortable doing at this point. I'd love for there to come a time where she can be "Mama L" rather than just "L", but she will have to prove that she won't hurt him in the future, by her choices & attitude toward us. All is going well so far.

    I know that isn't your case, but that you chose the family that is raising DD. I'm interested to hear what others in traditional open DIA's call their child's birth mom & what they are teaching the child themselves to call her.

    OP-What sort of nickname would you come up with? Have you thought of any?
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 6:55 PM on May. 11, 2010

  • OP, I like your idea of a nickname. We're using first names, but nobody has said anything about it bothering them. If they did, maybe we could come up with something. You are right that not all bmoms are dysfunctional.

    DBF, you brought up such a good point about the things an individual experiences and how that affects the adult they become. One of our kids' bmoms grew up with her father abusing her mother, and her father was an alcoholic. She has been a drug addict since age 17 (from what she told me). There is also the genetic predisposition to becoming addicted more easily than the average person. We all make our choices, but I think those things play a role. I grew up in an alcoholic home, and with many alcoholics in the family. There is mental illness in my family of origin. As you said, there but for the grace of God go I.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 8:05 PM on May. 11, 2010

  • I answered the other question about not being comfortable with the idea of "birthmom." I like respecting what the person you are actually referring to likes to be called. I believe in being "PC" which is being polite, caring, and compassionate. So if the caring and polite way to refer to a group of women who placed their children for adoption is "birthmother" then that is what I will use. But if that same group likes firstmom or natural mother...so be it. A name is not just a noun it can be a verb as well. A mom or a dad is an action. That very first action might have been to decide to place you in a situation that is the best possible situation given the circumstances. That decision was most likely made out of love. I also think the other gift is to name that child. I tell my son his birthmother did two things: pick out his parents and name him his beautiful name. Of course she did more as his mom. But

    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 8:24 PM on May. 11, 2010

  • keeping it simple and age appropriate is important. If you, the mother who grew that child inside of you, has a preference, then of course I will take that into consideration. If it crosses some sort of line then I guess we talk about it.
    frogdawg

    Answer by frogdawg at 8:25 PM on May. 11, 2010

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