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Help!

What would you do, if you had a daughter (24 years old) that left home when she was 16 to live with her father and grandmother because she didn't like our "rules" and was promised material possessions. She left me, her stepdad, and three brothers all due to greediness. She then moved out of state with a guy who threw her out because she refused to work and help out. Now she moved back with her father, her grandmother and disrespected them. Now she's been with the same guy for the past 2 years and has NOT worked one day. They live hand to mouth and refuses to change her life. Came to my home on Mother's Day empty handed and made me cry. She criticized everything about me. Then when I sent her an email expressing how hurt and angry I was that she did this, she totally refuses to accept responsibility for her actions. I can't live this way. I have been physically sick from this and we are in foreclosure. My husband had open heart

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:37 AM on May. 14, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (11)
  • surgery over the summer and she never even called him once or visited him. Yesterday she called and wanted to settle the "BS" as she stated on my machine. We ended up arguing. I can't do this anymore. I am a full time student with real problems. Any advice?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:38 AM on May. 14, 2010

  • What a tough situation. If it was anyone else it would be really easy to say "just cut that person out of your life", but it's your child.

    It sounds like she needs a reality check. She has gotten very used to being pampered and spoiled for so long that she is ungrateful and rude. It seems that she feels like she is entitled to have what she wants, when she wants it and if she doesn't get her way then she feels the right to be rude about it.

    The next time you talk to her on the phone, the moment she starts being rude and insulting just say "I don't like the way you are talking to me so I am going to hang up now. When you can talk to me with respect, then I will listen." and hang up.
    Stay calm and do it every single time.
    She'll probably get pissed off and may go without speaking to you for a while but she needs to learn that she can't treat people the way she's been treating them.

    cont'd
    Laila-May

    Answer by Laila-May at 11:47 AM on May. 14, 2010

  • Cut her loose. I understand she is your daughter, but you have yourself, your other children and your husband to think about. If she's been this way since she was 16 there is nothing you can say or do that will persuade her to change her ways. She has to see her wrongdoing all on her own. Love your child, yes. Deal with hurt and pain she brings your way, no.
    4xsthetrouble

    Answer by 4xsthetrouble at 11:49 AM on May. 14, 2010

  • I would also recommend counseling for you. You need support, and there is nothing better then sharing these tough struggles we have with our adult children in a group who is going through the same thing. Good luck
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:50 AM on May. 14, 2010

  • cont'd

    Same goes for when you see her in person. As soon as she starts criticizing and being rude and disrespectful, stay calm and tell her that you don't like the way she is talking to you and that you are no longer going to sit there and take that kind of abuse from her.
    If she is in your home then politely ask her to leave unless she is willing to be an adult and respect you and your home.
    If you are somewhere else then just leave with your head held high.

    If she knows her words and actions hurt you then she'll keep doing what she's doing. If you maintain grace and dignity and just remove yourself from the situation then she's the one who ends up looking like the spoiled brat.
    Hopefully she'll see how absurd her behavior is for a 24 year old to have.

    Failing that, video tape her outbursts and temper tantrums(because that's exactly what they are) and show later so she can see just how rude and ridiculous she acts.
    Laila-May

    Answer by Laila-May at 11:53 AM on May. 14, 2010

  • I'm with Laila-May. Speaking as a 20-something, she needs to realize that this behavior is NOT acceptable or mature now before it short circuits the rest of her life. if she doesn't improve after a few months, though, I would go with cutting her out for a while; don't give her the chance to start in on you. It's hard, but if she's been this way for a while, it's going to take something dramatic to snap her out of it if she's going to.
    preacherskid

    Answer by preacherskid at 1:13 PM on May. 14, 2010

  • Hang up on her and don't let her in your home. She is still a child not getting what she wants. Looks like no else is giving her what she wants and now is turning to you. She should look in the mirror and there is her answer on who to blame.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:08 PM on May. 14, 2010

  • She may be your child, but she is an adult and if you think that she is toxic in your lives, cut her loose.
    twinsplus2more

    Answer by twinsplus2more at 6:17 PM on May. 14, 2010

  • I have to agree with the others, It is time to set yourself free of her drama. It won't be easy, but for yourself and your dh, it is time. You have done everything you could for her, it is time she just lives her life her way. As a mom that is not easy, but at some point you have to let her go.
    wallmom1

    Answer by wallmom1 at 3:05 PM on May. 15, 2010

  • IM SO SORRY YOUR DEALING WITH THIS. FROM WHAT YOU SAY I CAN TELL YOUR GOING THROUGH ALOT. AND NO PARENT SHOULD HAVE TO DEAL WITH THIS BULLSHIT FROM ANY CHILD AND MOSTLY NOT THEIR OWN. SHE ISNT A CHILD ANYMORE, SHE IS OLD ENOUGH TO MAKE HER OWN CHOICES AND NO WRONG FROM RIGHT. IF SHE DOESNT NO BY NOW THEN AINT NO TELLING WHEN SHE WILL FINALLY REALIZE. HOWEVER HOPEFULLY SOON SHE WILL.. BUT MY ADVICE TO YOU IS TO NOT LET HER GET TO YOU. AS YOU SAY YOUR HUSBAND HAS HEART PROBLEMS AND YOUR A STUDENT IN COLLEGE YOU HAVE ALREADY ALOT ON YOUR MIND. DONT CALL HER OR ALLOW HER INTO YOUR HOME. SHE IS WAY OUT OF LINE. IM NOT SAYING GIVE UP ON YOUR DAUGHTER HOWEVER, SHE NEEDS TO LEARN THAT YOUR HER MOTHER AND SHE NEEDS TO RESPECT YOU. SO SINCE SHE CANT, JUST DONT WORRY ABOUT HER FOR NOW. SHE IS A GROWN ADULT IF SHE CANT HANDLE HERSELF THEN THATS NOT IN YOUR HANDS. JUST WORRY ABOUT YOUR 3 SONS AND HUSBAND AS WELL AS SCHOOL. I WISH YOU LUCK!
    Tryin4GodsAngel

    Answer by Tryin4GodsAngel at 4:17 AM on May. 16, 2010

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