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Is it ever acceptable for a father to get f***ed up?

My husband drinks a lot and I am always in charge of the kids. You can't ever really tell he's "drunk" but he'll drink 6 beers on a weekend and during some week days. He isn't a bum or anything. I'm a stay at home mom. He's a professional with an advanced degree. I just can't shake this feeling that even though he seems fine, his preoccupation with getting intoxicated is the most important thing to him. I guess tonight I care because before our daughter even went to bed he closed his eyes and laid on the couch. He's not present, you know? He just wants to be off in his own little intoxicated world. He doesn't care about spending any time with me after our daughter goes to bed. We only really hang out on weekends anyway. When I asked him if he was going to get up later he said, "what does it matter?" I make a lot of allowances for him because I'm cool like that, but what would you think and what would you do?

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Asked by Anonymous at 9:50 PM on May. 15, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (7)
  • "What does it matter" can mean one of two things .. He knows you're upset and just doesn't want to get into it, or he doesn't see the point of getting up to meet the life he lives. Is it possible that he's depressed? I'm not trying to feed you answers to his behaviour, it's just an observation that may not be true. I just think that there's always a reason behinds someone's drinking. Your husband sounds like an alocholic, so what's the reason behind him drinking so heavily?

    Personally, I would never stand for that at all. I get bothered when my husband gets plowed, and that only happens like once a month if that. I don't think it's appropriate. I don't care if he drinks, I don't care if he has a few, but getting plastered is uncalled for. He's an adult with a family, those days should be behind him. If my husband drank like your does I'd leave him. No question.

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 9:55 PM on May. 15, 2010

  • he's an alcoholic hun. with that being said, he's the only one that can fix the problem.... he has to own it and stop drinking. if your thoughts are preoccupied with getting drunk (even if it is 'only' a couple times a week), then you're an alcoholic. that's how i was before i got married (big time binge drinker and liked to go out on the weekend and party and get drunk). i quit drinking when i got married and found out i was pregnant (like only 1 month later lol)..... it was hard but it's easier to get it done now before it's every night. i would suggest talking to him about it in a nice way, but the hard part is going to be getting him to admit he has a problem before it gets way out of control. gl

    Answer by princessbeth79 at 9:57 PM on May. 15, 2010

  • You should find the right time to tell him that you'd like for him to spend more time as a family.If you do it when he's mad, it probably won't go well.but if you say it at the right moment, he may listen.Don't say "You are a drunk" say "I love you so much. Let's do ........ with me and our baby"

    Answer by evelynwest at 9:57 PM on May. 15, 2010

  • OP here, he's a good man. I'm not making excuses for him, oh wait, yes I am. I feel like I don't know if this is a battle I should pick because he's not a "normal" guy. He's always been brooding and moody. I knew that about him when I got involved with him 12 years ago. He's a person who is anxious and alcohol takes the edge off it. He's never obviously drunk around the kids. I also like to drink because I also suffer from anxiety. The most I drink is 3 in a night after the kids go to bed because I have to be able to take care of them at a moment's notice. I try to keep it to weekends. I think the real reason I'm pissed tonight is what he said to me about what does it matter? That means "I'm moody and don't like to be asked a lot of questions that I don't think are necessary." I'm working on that one!!! That made me think, wow, I'm not a priority to him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:08 PM on May. 15, 2010

  • When you said because I'm cool like that you stopped me cold. It isn't cool and you know it. I've been there and done that and you know you have a problem. I can't help you solve it because for me being all cool stopped when disaster happened.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:06 AM on May. 16, 2010

  • This is a rule with me. My SO doesn't drink a lot but if he had that problem. I'd tell him you can drink, knock yourself out! Just don't do it around me or our son because I won't put up with that behavior. You drink, you're away from us. Sounds bitchy? Yes. But you have to put your foot down and let him know it's completely unacceptable to get drunk and disrespect you and your family, KWIM?

    Answer by LaurenKaye29 at 1:50 AM on May. 16, 2010

  • What does he do for a living. People with advance degrees, especially in law, have the highest percentage of alcoholics. Does he have deep traumatic issues? It sounds like your husband needs someone to talk to.

    Answer by janel09 at 3:05 AM on May. 16, 2010

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