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My 20 yr old daughter, and the rest of the family.....

Recently, alot has happened in my family. My husband has had back surgery and has been on prescription drugs for several years. He asked for help to get off them, but no one would help us. He tried committing suicide, and finally a facility took him in. But, without insurance he has now been kicked out and we are trying to find a state funded facility to finish the treatment.
In all this, my daughter is also taking prescription drugs. but not her own...getting them on the street, her boyfriend. She has lost jobs because of it. Pot, Oxy's, who knows what else. She has talked to me and told me what she is doing, supposedly. I am trying to trust her on this issue. I know she does more than she admits to. Recently, my sons gf's lil sister got caught doing heroin. Now they are blaming my daughter and saying my daughter is doing it also. Their child has been doing this for a yr, mine still says no she has never

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:19 PM on May. 15, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (16)
  • done heroine. My son and ex-husband will not believe me that she says she is not doing it. I originally wanted my ex to know..but then my sons gf started calling my daughter and harrassing her. I asked her to stop until she could be civil. She told me to get F**d and I was the biggest enabler ever and has taken my granddaughter away from us. she lets her lil sister on heroine see her though. and my son is apparently ok with this decision. Everyone is against me for not wanting my daughter to be verbally abused and make the situation worse. I wanted to do an intervention, then all this happened with my husband. I just am not mentally able to deal with my adult daughters problems now too. But, I am the bad guy. I have went to my first Al-Anon meeting, not sure if it will help, but my daughter went with me. I hope it opens her eyes. Until then, I get phone calls saying how terrible I am and that I want my daughter to
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:23 PM on May. 15, 2010

  • die. I do not want her to die, but I have found out that since she is an adult I cannot force her into rehab....and I can not pay her bills on top of our own. I am very depressed thinking that I am bad and I should of seen it and I should of been more proactive.

    I just figured keeping the communication open with her, would eventually help her to stop. Supposedly she is going to stop, but when we went to the AA meeting she was high on opiants. Do I wait it out and just keep talking about how wrong it is, or should I really force her to go somewhere....advice from someone that has been through this would really be helpful. I feel like I have lost my entire family. Everyone talks down to me now and doesn't understand I am lost. With her being 20, I don't feel I can force anything. She is not living here, so its not like I am feeding her habit or paying for her life.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:27 PM on May. 15, 2010

  • I'm so sorry you're going through all this. ALL of you need to get some therapy, because this is way out of hand.

    You're right, you can't force anything on your daughter. But you can stop taking phone calls from her, stop giving her money, stop speaking to her when she's high. You can stop being emotionally enabling. You can stop talking on the phone to anyone who has anything negative to say. Focus on getting YOUR life right first. Get hubby the treatment he needs, or leave him if he can't stop abusing medication. Don't enable his drug use either. Focus on keeping YOUR Life together, and THEN move on to helping your children.

    You're not a bad person for not seeing this coming. You can make this worse, though, or you can make it better.

    My brother is a drug abuser, and my mom totally enables him. He has a problem BECAUSE she has never put her foot down about anything. CONT
    Ati_13

    Answer by Ati_13 at 11:35 PM on May. 15, 2010

  • He has a daughter he can't support, won't get a job, has lost his license because of repeated traffic violations, can't pay his fines because he can't get a job, lost his car... he's 20 and living with her, and he treats her with absolutely NO respect. Won't help around the house or keep his room clean and now my mom has given up and lets him do whatever he wants.

    Don't make her mistake. Put your foot down. First, you can't help anyone if you're not at least kind of secure in your own life. Second, you can't help your daughter when you have a husband with the same problems at home. Third, you can't make her do anything, but you CAN stop supporting her alltogether. She will either clean up, ask for help cleaning up, or sink into the nastiest consequences of drug addiction. You have to let her make those choices, and by supporting her and being there, you are only prolonging the process.

    Good luck, mamma and hugs.
    Ati_13

    Answer by Ati_13 at 11:38 PM on May. 15, 2010

  • Thank you...I do not pay anything for her, she lives with her boyfriend and they are doing it. I think his family helps him alot though because they don't know, won't admit, or are in denial about his problem. But I do not give them cash. I just talk to them every once in awhile about the effects and what it could do if she got pregnant to her child. I hope with her going with me to AA meetings for support over my husbands recent problem that will help open her eyes to what the families go through with their children. Some there were dealing with ALOT older kids than mine and some were younger. I just didn't feel she needed to take being talked to in the manner she was by my sons gf....it was very bad and graphic about what she was gonna have people do to her in prison. I was in shock that my son let her and was ok with that. I have been trying the tough love thing since I found out she was doing them around Christmas
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:09 AM on May. 16, 2010

  • She actually started doing them after her and this boyfriend got together about 7 months ago. She told me he was the first one she had ever done anything like this with. Before it was pot and alcohol. The alcohol part is gone now, so hoping the rest will follow suite. Her friends are mad because she won't drink with them anymore. I just said I'm proud you quit drinking, now what about the rest?

    My husband is doing pretty good, I guess. He goes to his next facility for 3 to 4 weeks the beginning of this week. The back dr is now going to put an electrical device in his back for his pain instead of prescribing pills anymore. The surgery didn't work, so this is the next option. I pray it works, because if not, not sure what else can be done. I just know, I can't live with the stress of drugs in our lives anymore. I hope they all get better and I can find some peace and support at AA. We have made the first step.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:14 AM on May. 16, 2010

  • You do have a dilima. Do you not have any methadone clinic in your area? I normally won't suggest something like ths, but if he is addicted to pain meds then maybe a methodone clinic can help. Methodone doesn't damage the liver and kidneys like pain medicine does. But, I have also heard that methadone is very hard to get off once you start. As far as your daughter, that is something maybe she can consider doing as well. Like I said I don't condon or do I support the clinics...I just know that they are legal and it is not damaging to their bodies as real drugs...I am 53 almost and thank God I never got into the drug scene but, I know of lots of ppl that have...I do know that it can tear a family apart. My younger brother was an addict, he was diagnosed with Hep C when he was 35 from all the drugs he did when he was younger. He had a massive heart attack 3 weeks after his 40th birthday....My girls have also gone thru CONT...
    mimilinda

    Answer by mimilinda at 7:22 AM on May. 16, 2010

  • the drug scene. It was like they would take turns. Once one of them got off drugs the other got on...It was difficult time in my life to know that my girls were doing drugs...My oldest put herself in a program several years ago and now she fine...My youngest did it on her own.....The only thing I can tell you is to pray for your family which I am sure you are doing. I am so sorry that you are going through this, I really can relate...Maybe, your daughter will quit on her own when she get a little older. You are in my prayers... Good Luck and God bless you and your family...
    mimilinda

    Answer by mimilinda at 7:31 AM on May. 16, 2010

  • We do have Methadone clinics...but there was a kid in rehab coming off of that when my husband was there and he's still there. He has been trying to detox off Methadone for 31 days so far and they said he has at least another week to go. My husband was only there for 5 or 6 days for the detox part. Now for the rest of the counseling. This kid and my husband connected and they both live in the same town, they might mentor each other. Not sure if thats good or not.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:53 PM on May. 16, 2010

  • I think your daughter in law might be an enabler. Why is she holding you and your daughter responsible for her sisters choices? It sounds like the sister is in denial and pointing fingers, and not taking responsibility for herself You sound like a GOOD PERSON who has trouble realizing her own limitations and allow people to use her as a trash bin. Why would you or your family think that YOU can MAKE anyone do anything? I hope I'm not the first person to tell you that it's 100% impossible to do.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:35 PM on May. 19, 2010

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