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My husband confessed to me last night that he didn't want our daughter.

She wasn't expected because I was on BC, but when we found out I was pregnant, I asked him, "Is this what you want?" His response was lukewarm. In retrospect, I should have known something was up, but every time I brought the subject up, he would tell me that it was a shock but that he would get used to it. I didn't press him hard enough.

When our daughter came, it was like he wanted to forget her existence. Even though I had a uterine infection and mastitis in both breasts, he did not help me at all. For the first two months of her life, I did everything--baths, diaper changes, feedings, everything. He finally started helping after I broke down sobbing that I couldn't do it anymore.

Now she is seven months old and he still wants nothing to do with her. I have tried everything, but he makes it clear that he takes no pleasure in her--not maliciously, but through reading during his time with her, etc. I can't be the only

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:50 AM on May. 17, 2010 in Babies (0-12 months)

Answers (9)
  • (continued) nurturer for our daughter. He's tentatively said he will try therapy; he wants to be a good father and feels guilty for being absent as a husband and father these last few months.

    Is there any hope?

    How can I get over my feelings of anger and grief at him? I am trying to be understanding, but it feels like the last year has been a lie.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:52 AM on May. 17, 2010

  • What a sad story. The two of you should be in therapy; clearly he never bothered telling you that he did not want children.
    rkoloms

    Answer by rkoloms at 7:02 AM on May. 17, 2010

  • If youre going to make it work, you need to get into some form of counseling. It is very sad that not only is he missing out on all the wonderful blessings of being a parent but your little girl is missing out on having her dad's affection. It will leave a lasting impression if it isnt remedied very soon.
    Aqua_Jen

    Answer by Aqua_Jen at 7:08 AM on May. 17, 2010

  • sometimes it take a guy time. my dh didn't want our last 2 kids. but he loves them dearly now and wouldn't take anything for them. Your man it could take longer.

    but you also have to remember that men are a lot different from women, they don't fall in love with the baby before it's born.

    I truly hope he changes, and starts showing you dd love
    oldfashionSAHM

    Answer by oldfashionSAHM at 7:31 AM on May. 17, 2010

  • Sounds to me that your husband may never wanted kids, but was torn between is love for you and your love for ya'lls child. Basically he doesn't want the baby, but he also does not want to lose you because of it. That's why he didn't tell you up front, IMO.

    soonmommyof3

    Answer by soonmommyof3 at 7:42 AM on May. 17, 2010

  • As the baby gets bigger and a little less intimidating and they can do more things without being so fragile - a lot of men come around and that's actually when they start getting more involved.

    ^ I agree with that. My DD is 7 months too and her father was less than helpful out of fear. He's slowly coming around.


    He says he will go to therapy, wants to be a good father & feels guilty for being absent as a father & husband. For that, I'd say there IS hope. Keep encouraging him to get the help he needs, let him know you see the ability to be a great father & let him know that you love him & she will love him too. I can only imagine how you feel & if I was in your shoes I'd probably lose it. I really hope things work out for the best.
    Marix3

    Answer by Marix3 at 8:28 AM on May. 17, 2010

  • My fiance, was sort of the same way....here's the difference...He wanted a baby. We got pregnant on purpose. When our son was born...he was happy...I know he loves our son, but he never did much in the way of feeding, diaper changing...anything like that...but I don't think it's because he doesn't want a child...it's because he just doesn't know what to do. When they are this young...and they don't do a whole lot...not a lot of men are interested. Now that my son is walking, and playing, and understanding more things, his father pays much more attention to him....just give it some time...and therapy will probably help as well. Good luck, and I'm sorry this is going on. Good luck.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:45 AM on May. 17, 2010

  • I think it's a good sign that he's able to discuss it with you, even though it's down the road. I also think its good that he wants to get help to bond, etc. Besides therapy, maybe try a mommy/daddy and me class.
    Krysta622

    Answer by Krysta622 at 12:43 PM on May. 17, 2010

  • Definitely counseling together.

    And if he never wanted kids, and maintains that stance with counseling, then he needs to go get fixed.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 5:45 PM on May. 17, 2010

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