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How can I nip this in the bud with the guilt I am feeling?

My Dad and his GF broke up AGAIN, the utility bills got cut off, etc. and he asked to stay the night/wash clothes. Now I'm afraid he is going to try to sucker me into letting him stay longer. That may sound hateful, but he has lived here twice already. No help at all with bills or food. Now DH and I have 3 kids & he will be home from Iraq in 2 weeks- a large #of people got laid off. Dad has a job but blows his money on alcohol. He's a smoker & he's' sick. I'm terrified its lung cancer because he's been coughing for months but wont go to Dr. He also lost 2 brothers last year to cancer. We bought our house in 2007 & have lived here for maybe 6 months without other adults being here. Since moving in, my Dad has come and gone 2x, my sister &two kids, and FIL. I just started back on my meds for bipolar. I know I can't handle this emotionally, physically, or financially. I dont hear from him unless he wants something. Now Im back in

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:52 AM on May. 18, 2010 in Just for Fun

This question is closed.
Answers (9)
  • Hon, if he is the one who is sick and he is refusing to see a doctor, there is nothing for YOU to feel guilty about! It was a decision he made. He is an adult. You can't force him to see a doctor. You can encourage him to do so, but he made his bed, let him lie in it.
    As for how to stop feeling guilty, try talking to a professional about that. It is probably tied to your bipolar disorder in some way. You need to realize you cannot take on the guilt of the world, or even those closest to you. Their decision equals their consequences. Just as your decisions are yours, good, bad or indifferent.
    If you are looking for a way to tell your dad he can't stay, just say that your husband will be home from Iraq soon and he will need time to readjust with just you and the kids there before anyone else gets tossed into the mix. This is not a lie. It is TRUE. Mine spent 28 years in the Corps. I've been there a time or two.
    Good luck!
    SimplyLaine

    Answer by SimplyLaine at 5:52 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • this position again to have to ask some one to leave my house. He is using me and I know it. He hasn't asked yet to stay for a while, but he is sleeping here again tonight. He also said he'd rather move than to turn the utilities back on for "that woman" since she was supposed to pay them. WTH am I supposed to do here?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:54 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • OP HERE= didn't know where else to put this.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:55 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • Tell him flat out... pay his way or get out!! Tell him that you can't do it any other way!!

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:09 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • how you can nip your guilt in the bud is (1) realize that your responsibility is to yourself first and foremost and that you recognize that to allow this would be harmful to you (2) realize that your next responsibility is to your children and your husband who do not need this influence in their lives and your husband is going to need to come home to a sane environment (3) realize that by "helping" you are not helping at all but enabling which is ultimately harmful to your father by allowing him safe space to continue in his addiction and destructive behavior. i understand that it is a hard decision to make and that as a child of an alcholic you have likely been trained in some very dysfunctional thinking, however, apparently you are free of that to some extent - go with what is healthy for everyone, which is not helping him.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 2:09 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • just saw the continuation of your post... if he has money but is refusing to pay utlities, tell him sounds like he made his choice to move - so move. have a conversation with him ASAP... the longer you wait the harder it's going to be. just say this was a temporary invitation and you need to leave. don't help him figure out how to make it work for himself - that's his job. and you do not owe him an explanation. in fact it's probably safer for you to not engage in that discussion. just tell him like it is... say i'm glad to have had you here the last few days, let me know where you'll be staying going forward so i can contact you or something along those lines... be firm. do not let his sickness control you just because he lets it control him. the most you need to say by way of explaining if he pushes back is dad you need to leave and we've been thru this before, let's not go in circles, you know why. it's not up for discussion
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 2:14 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • OP HERE.....Yes, the alcohol is bad, but I feel guilty because of the constant coughing and sickness he won't get under control. I lost 2 Uncles in a 6 month time period to cancer. I am scared to death that my Dad is next and WTF would I feel like if he died right now? I just think it's ridiculous that he won't kick the stupid woman out and pay the dang bills. I tried to talk to my sister about it, just to get her take on it, but she won't pick up the phone now because I guess she thinks I want to put him off on her. Um, no. I've ALWAYS been the one to do every thing for him. I just can't do it. DH and I have helped every freakin person in our families and we're all out of kindness and sympathy.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:34 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • Oh, and he is NOT going to stay here even if he offered to pay bills.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:35 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • OP Here-thanks for the answers ladies. I really appreciate it. I bit the bullet so to speak today when he came here after work. I asked him what he was going to do, about his place. He said he paid some of the utilities, to keep them on. GF is supposed to move out. He actually got his insurance info. YAY! So he can go to the doctor. I also said, "I'm not trying to be mean, but you know you can't move back in here, right? I don't mind you staying til the weekend, but we just can't do it again." He said,"I know, I'm not trying to do that." So that was a huge relief to get that out there. And yes, I some times feel like I hold the guilt for the entire world. It sucks. Back on meds now and therapy will come later when I can afford it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:29 PM on May. 18, 2010

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