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Why does my husband let the blame fall on me?

My step kids hate me. I have done everything I can think of to make things work. I am concerned because my husband allows this. Let"s say the house is a mess. My daughter will over hear him yelling at his son to clean the house because I will be upset with him. Even though I never said that. I don't understand why he can't just say we need to clean. If his son asks why he should say because I said so. Every times he makes a demand or rule he tells them it is for me. Then they resent me because They think I am making all the rules. If the kids ask to do something he always tells them to ask me so I have to make the decision. I don't understand why he makes me be the heavy. He always says he can't make a decision without my permission. So if something does not fly it is my fault. Next thing I know Everyone is upset when I get home and I am clueless. I have told him before to stop making everything my fault. He ..continued.......

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:16 AM on May. 18, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • Won't stand up tot his kids. He sits by and even allows strangers to mistreat me. He always wants to point out all he does....like clean, mow grass and goes to work. But emotionally he sucks me dry. He is distant, lets me take the heat and acts like this sweet guy to the outside world but really he is not. I want to scream because behind closed doors he is rude. No one would every believe me because he is a suck up and a sweet talker. What do I do? I am tired of being the bad guy and having no one stand up for me. He tells me to get over it and to move on. But I cant when the behavior continues.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:20 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • He doesn't want to take responsibility for his decisions huh? He needs to man up and handle his own children. He should also be consulting with the kids mother if she is present first before anyone. I really cant stand fathers like that. Its not the step mom's job to presume his role as a parent. Tell him you want him to make his own decision, from daddy, and to stop "using" you to escape from the result of his decisions.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:24 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • Maybe he would rather his children be disappointed with you than with him.

    Being a step parent is hard. It's really ALL in the step parents court. The step parent needs to cultivate a good friendship with the child before having to discipline. You need to gain love, trust & friendship. IF you do not do this first, the children will resent you. Regardless of what your husband is doing, get some one on one time with each of your step children & treat them more like a friend rather than your step child (at least in the beginning) they need to know they can trust you. Once they trust you, you can slowly begin disciplining them & they will listen better because they know your words are coming from a loving place. If you have no friendship with them, they will feel you are not comin from a loving place.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 8:27 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • Divorced dads fall into the "Disneyland dad" mode pretty easily. They have guilt, fear of losing their kids, and hate to be the heavy in anything. Your DH does this because it's easier (for him) to allow you to take the fall. If he blames things on you, he can be the good guy. The truth is, you are allowing him to do this. It doesn't sound like he is very respectful of you in matters other than the kids either. Have you thought about couples counseling? Do you love him enough to want to make this work? Him telling you to "get over it" isn't constructive, he needs to change his behavior patterns - as do you (by standing up for yourself).
    Scuba

    Answer by Scuba at 8:28 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • And yet you married him and have put up with this nonsense
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:31 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • so i would just control of the situation. whats wrong with having all the power in the relationship?
    shay1130

    Answer by shay1130 at 8:36 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • Have you bought/borrowed from the library some books on blended families? That would be a first step - you and your husband both need to read up on the subject. Even with the best of marriages, it's not an easy thing! Most of them will very clearly state that your husband should continue disciplining the children at least for the time being. If the kids came and asked me if they could do something, just tell them that you'll have to discuss it with their dad and get back to them - then you and he discuss it that night and let HIM tell them that they can't do it. Don't be the one to tell them no, tell them to ask their dad. I would also tell him to grow up and take charge of his kids.
    missanc

    Answer by missanc at 8:50 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • Honestly because when there is a problem men tend to blame those around them, while women blame themselves. It sucks but he doesn't have to get away with doing that. That sucks for you. Try to sit down over dinner and talk to him about this. If that doesn't work then you could talk directly to the kids when you need or want something done so he does not twist what you need.
    IzzeAddy

    Answer by IzzeAddy at 9:21 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • Just because you marry someone does not mean you HAVE to be their doormat. You have every right to not like what he does and to take charge here and say enough is enough. Don't be a victim.
    IzzeAddy

    Answer by IzzeAddy at 9:23 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • "Divorced dads fall into the "Disneyland dad" mode pretty easily. They have guilt, fear of losing their kids, and hate to be the heavy in anything."

    thank you, i needed to see this! this is exactly how i'm feeling about my STBX and my son. when he comes back to me on sundays after sleeping at his dad's on saturday night, he's cranky and mouthy to me. i had a talk with my husband and told him that no more toys when they are out. i talked to my son about earning treats and prizes and not to expect them when we're out and about or shopping for someone else. like i said nothing, two days later they come back with a new police car. i was pissed at him for doing that. i feel exactly like that statement - i know he fears losing him...but he was verbally abusive to my son for the last few years and is better with him NOW. however, taking him to dinner, breakfast, toys all the time should not make up for not seeing him every
    rio_burb

    Answer by rio_burb at 1:52 PM on May. 18, 2010

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