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I need help bonding with my 4yo.

My son just turned 4. We never bonded when he was a baby and I can see a big difference between the relationship I have with him and the one I have with his brother who is almost 3.

I didn't want children, and we were going to give him up for adoption, but my DH refused to sign the papers, so we kept him. I nursed him full time but had SEVER PPD and didn't really have an interest in him as a baby. The first year of his life was very messy, my DH almost went to prison, ended up in rehab, we had to move, I had to work part time midnights and the list goes on. Today we are doing much better as a family, but I still see a huge difference between the bond he and I have and that of his brother.

I want to have that bond with him, but don't know how. I still struggle with depression (I'm BPD2) but I'm doing what I can. I never had a bond with my mother and don't want that for us... What can I do?

Answer Question
 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 11:23 AM on May. 18, 2010 in Preschoolers (3-4)

Answers (9)
  • Therapy for your depression. It will help in ALL aspects.
    gdiamante

    Answer by gdiamante at 11:30 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • I SAY U SPEND 1 ON 1 TIME WITH THAT BABY MAKE UP FOR LOST TIMES TAKE HIM TOO MOVIES TAKE HIM LIBARY PARK OUT TOO EAT JUST U TOO MAKE IT UP AND BE THERE FOR HIM AND U CANT CHANGE THE PAST SO MAKE A BETTER FUTURE WITH HIM :)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:31 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • It's not that easy. There is only ONE therapy place locally, I would have to cross state lines to see another practice, and this one has already proved to be untrustworthy and sub-par... Things that I told my therapist were not only repeated to other therapists but to other clients, and then to my boss... And my insurance won't cover "non-medical" treatments, which includes therapy of any kind. I don't have the time or money to see other therapists... I've been looking for something else, but there is nothing available here... Psychiatry is still seen as "quack medicine" around here... I'm in a very very small town and it's hours and hours to anything larger...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:35 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • I definitely think one on one activities, even if you can set aside time once or twice a week that is just for the two of you to go off and do something. I would think good things to do would be tasks that you work together on, where it is a team effort, maybe building things like a birdhouse or something simple like that. I am thinking the point of the task is that your son sees that he can depend on you to help him and support him. Or with something like swimming where he could jump into your arms or you could help him float and swim, that would help build trust.

    You could also just do simple things like making the effort to put your arm around him when you are watching tv or reading stories together. Or to hold his hand when walking somewhere. Think of the things you do with your other child and make an effort to do that more with your son. He may resist some at first but just keep being available. Good luck!
    MaryMW

    Answer by MaryMW at 11:43 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • Bonding is done in the first couple of years of life. I'm sure you have a good relationship with him but that bond won't be what you want it to be now. Just keep letting him know you love him and care about him. Unfortunately some disorders arise from the non-bonding like Executive Function Disorder but he's still young enough you can try to rebuild some of what he missed when he was younger. (not saying your son has EFD)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:52 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • Well, I hope you are getting some kind of help for your bi-polar....I agree with everyone who has told you to spend one on one time with him as often as you can. Maybe this will sound funny, but keep a journal about him....write down at least one thing you appreciate about him every day, and maybe make a note of one really nice interaction you have with him every day. Maybe come up with a very small, special little ritual you do with him every night before you say good-night (something simple, like hug him and tell him how much you love him (a lot!!!) and read a book--even the same short book every night, one that focuses on how much a mother loves her child... and then tuck him in...). Have conversations with him...see what he thinks about things.....just make a point of enjoying him! He will feel that you enjoy him and that will be "bonding". He will feel loved.
    BJoan

    Answer by BJoan at 11:53 AM on May. 18, 2010

  • Even doing little things helps. Make special things that just you two do. Get the mail together, just the 2 of you. Do laundry. My 4 year old and I do the laundry together. He helps me transfer the clothes from the washer to the dry. I hand every item to him and he throws them in the dryer, then he closes the door. Come up with special things for just the 2 of you. Make brownies together and let him break the eggs, my kids love that. Have him set the table. Hand him one dish at a time. He can do it and it will make him feel special. Start reading him a book every night, or tell him a story about when you were little. Good luck to you!
    mompam

    Answer by mompam at 12:12 PM on May. 18, 2010

  • well therapy will help... why not try getting closer to the lord? He will help you greatly in every aspect of your life. and of course one on one time is wonderful... I felt the same way about my daughter because we would always do everything together, my hubby, my daughter and I, so I started taking her out to the movies without the hubby or go for quick walks for ice cream and we even started taking bubble baths together, which are always very fun!
    psychobilly_mom

    Answer by psychobilly_mom at 6:00 PM on May. 18, 2010

  • Spends lots of time hugging. Rub his back, give him kisses on the cheek for no reason at all, hold him lots, etc.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:39 PM on May. 18, 2010

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