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What should my next move be? Apologize? Confront? Ignore?

Here is the synopsis:
We have 2 young boys, 5yrs and 1 and a half. Our 5 yr old was running around one side of a corner in our house, and our other one was running around that same corner coming from the other side. Well, you know what happens next. They collide and bump heads. I rush over to help. My toddler was hit on the forehead with my older son's tooth. My toddler is crying from pain, and my older son is in pain as well but he notices he is bleeding and gets really scared and starts to panic. This is understandable considering only 2 weeks ago he fell face first on the tile floor and knocked both of his top front teeth loose. The dentist couldn't help and had to pull them both out. This was very traumatic for my son.
So they are both screaming and I am trying to comfort both of them the best I can. DH comes over to help but all he does is start yelling at the older one to stop crying. continued

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:22 AM on May. 19, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (13)
  • His exact words were "you have to stop crying now!" I immediately shot back, "NO!! He does not have to stop crying! He is scared and in pain!" My husband than completely left the room and has been sulking on the couch ever since. Leaving me to attempt to comfort both kids, than bathe them, than read and get them to sleep. He usually helps out with this process. He has not spoken to me since (this was a few hours ago) and is STILL pouting on the couch. Should I go apologize for "yelling" at him? I do NOT feel like I should. Yelling at a little kid in pain is not going to help anyone, it just exacerbates the problem and make the one crying feel like he is wrong for crying. Should I ignore him until he realizes that he was being a jerk? Or should I go confront him and tell him he is acting like a brat and that he was wrong for being a jerk and then deserting me when I needed him to help?

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:25 AM on May. 19, 2010

  • ok you dont want him to yell in a crisis but you did? thats where he is coming from...your dh was scared too and he reacted and then you reacted and so on ...go hug him and say you are sorry for losing it, that it freaked you out too. I know my SO gets furious when I yell at him like a kid, especially in front of our kids so it can be that too.
    as for not helping...let it go he thought you would yell again so he taught you a "lesson" in his mind. say sorry, and move on. good luck. hope the kids are fast asleep and fine :)
    Bearsjen

    Answer by Bearsjen at 2:28 AM on May. 19, 2010

  • oh and also, ignoring wont work because in his mind, YOU are wrong not him-for yelling at him. plus I have found ignoring it makes me more angry and then I blow up which never helkps either. ok shutting up now lol.
    Bearsjen

    Answer by Bearsjen at 2:29 AM on May. 19, 2010

  • Bearsjen
    I didn't really make it clear, but I don't consider what I did yelling at him. I did not say it in a mean way. I did say it louder than normal considering the noise level of both kids screaming. But I did not yell in a mean way at him. I just wanted to make it clear that yelling at a 5 yr old to stop crying is NOT the way to help and wanted to let my 5 yr old know that he was not in trouble for crying.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:32 AM on May. 19, 2010

  • oh and also, ignoring wont work

    For my husband the best thing to do is ignore him. He doesn't want to talk when he is mad and when I try to get him to it makes the situation even worse. In my understanding it is normal for men to not want to talk about their feelings when they are mad. They go into the "man cave" and want to be left alone. Women, on the other hand, want nothing more than to talk and talk and talk about the situation until they feel their feelings have been worked out. That is why Cafemom is such a popular website. Like op here, a lot of women want to come on here and vent and have others help work through their feelings. Men don't necesarily do that.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:36 AM on May. 19, 2010

  • anon :36 again.
    OP in case you didn't get that, my answer it to just ignore him until he comes around.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:37 AM on May. 19, 2010

  • I would explain yourself to him but in the end no matter who yelled at who he needs to step up and help with getting the kids in the tubby and to bed. You two are a team and no matter what happens you all need to cont. on with the routine of the night and deal with what happened between you two when that is all set. Be the bigger person and step-up. You all are gonna have to speak sooner then later.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:16 AM on May. 19, 2010

  • Tell him very calmly that you realize he was reacting to the event in his way just as you were reacting to it in yours. I'm sure both of you were scared a little and sad a little--it's what parents do when the wee ones are hurt or sick. It comes from a place of love, so acknowledge that. You should apologize for yelling at him, but explain that it was in the heat of the moment and if you hadn't been feeling the way you were, you never would have yelled. Then just as calmly tell him that his tone when he spoke to your son was not helping the situation. Maybe he didn't even realize how it sounded. My husband is like that sometimes.
    If you ignore him or the situation, it doesn't go away. It just festers. You two need to be a united front for the kids. Praise in public, reprimand in private--have your discussions away from wee ears. Yelling doesn't always = anger.
    Hope the wee ones are ok now. Hug them extra hard.
    SimplyLaine

    Answer by SimplyLaine at 6:53 AM on May. 19, 2010

  • The point is, you corrected him in front of his son.. You should have let it go, talked to him about it in private and then insist that he talk to his son.. Ithink you should apologize to him, not for what you said, but for saying it in front of the children..
    Ren_Ren

    Answer by Ren_Ren at 7:22 AM on May. 19, 2010

  • i agree, you took away his authority over his kids. my husband tells that to the girls whenever they cry. i think that he has a different way of parenting and i would tell him that i am sorry for saying that if front of the children like ren ren said.
    TaiM

    Answer by TaiM at 8:10 AM on May. 19, 2010

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