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Divorce and Step Children

I had a baby and was pregnant when I met my soon to be ex husband. We were together for almost 9 years, and had two children of our own together. To my oldest 2, his step son and daughter, he was Daddy, to them he still is their daddy. He was a wonderful father to them up until the last year he turned abusive and I left. At first he still asked about all the kids, but one day he said that I should not make him feel responsible about his step kids. He only calls now to ask about the two children we had together. We have shared custody of our 2. How do I explain to my older two that he does not want to be daddy anymore? He had always said that no matter what happens between him and I that he would be there for them, I mean, he has been daddy to them since the oldest was 3 months and the other since birth. (BTW we had known each other for a long time beforehand and were really close before) so it's not like some random guy.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:11 AM on May. 21, 2010 in General Parenting

Answers (10)
  • i think, if i were in your position, i would have to tell them the truth. youd be surprised at what kids can process. do it in the nicest and most general way possible, of course, you dont have to tell every ugly detail, but i would have to tell them. that way they dont blame you for it. and always try to tell him how the other 2 are doing, even if he doesnt want to hear it. make sure your kids know you are fighting for them, and that you feel his actions are wrong. and if his name is on the birth certificate, you can go after him for child support, even if hes not the biological father. it would be up to him to get paternity testing at his cost, not yours, in most states. i am so sorry you have to go thru this, and your children.
    jeanniegirl82

    Answer by jeanniegirl82 at 2:20 AM on May. 21, 2010

  • I would have a heart to heart talk with him. He knows just as well as you have said that what he is doing is wrong and he will come around and if he does'nt then i would just explain to the older children that daddy is not there real daddy but you have all the love for them they need to offer. That is a hard one, it hurt my heart trying to respone to you about this. GL momma you can do this.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:24 AM on May. 21, 2010

  • personally, I'd put my foot down and demand he and I have a sit down private talk together w/ the 2 older kids. Let him be the bad guy. Why should he not have to see their faces? He might even grow some compassion and reconsider. Otherwise the kids will hear it from the horses mouth directly and you can build them back up again and be the hero. If he wants to be cruel and break their hearts, he can do it himself. Don't do his dirty work for him.


    PS, so he was there when the younger one was born? Like cut the cord and stuff?? Unspeakably cruel and awful of him!
    hibbingmom

    Answer by hibbingmom at 2:28 AM on May. 21, 2010

  • OP here, yes he was there for the birth of the youngest step son. I just don't understand how to tell them. They know that he isn't their biological dad. I have talked to him and told him it is going to crush them. When we were together, you could never tell that they were his step kids, he treated them the same. (I havent tried talking to him with the children present).

    When he calls to ask how the kids are, he says "my girls" referring to the children we had together. He no longer asks about the other two. As far as seeing him, they haven't in a year and a half, not even for a minute. Our two he has, but it is his father that meets me. (he moved in with his parents to help them out) I can't just go to them, because we live 9 hours apart.
    Any pages he has on the computer, he only has pictures of our two, he took down all reference to the other two, so I do not think he is going to come around. :(
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:46 AM on May. 21, 2010

  • OP you know what I would do. Cut him out!!!!!!!!!!I will get bashed to the wall with this but I do not care. If he can forget about children he raised just because his blood does not flow through their veins he can and might do it to the others. MY brothers father and my mom were never married but he was my daddy. I had a father and I had a daddy. Well when he left it was me he forgot about first and than my brother. My poor baby bubby has not see nor heard from his "father"( I use quotes because he is a sperm donor he is no father)in over 1 year. My brother has no male figure because him and my SO do not get along(my brother is 16 and my SO is 31 and my brother sometimes is too big for his britches)They used to until my brother got it with some not to nice people. Anyway if this is really hurting your boys you give that "man" a choice all or nothing. Harsh yes but these are kids not puppies!

    delilahsmom1177

    Answer by delilahsmom1177 at 10:07 AM on May. 21, 2010

  • It's not your responsibility to explain his behavior to them. It's his. If they ask, tell them "IDK, but we'll ask him when we see him".
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 10:24 AM on May. 21, 2010

  • I agree with a PP, sit down and have a heart to heart with them and let them know.

    Shame on him though.
    Secretive

    Answer by Secretive at 10:25 AM on May. 21, 2010

  • This has to be heartbreaking! I would just tell them you dont really know why he is doing this. Tell your kids you know it hurts and that it is hurting you too. Just grieve with them and allow your kids to have their feelings. I'm so sorry you are going thru this!!
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 10:48 AM on May. 21, 2010

  • ria on that I agree. I know it was much easier on me with my mom right there telling me it was ok and it was his loss not mine! I really know that now as an adult, a mom, and a step mom. My boys will always be my boys and I will ALWAYS love them!
    delilahsmom1177

    Answer by delilahsmom1177 at 11:41 AM on May. 21, 2010

  • It is NOT your responsibility to explain or excuse his behavior. I know you will need to say something, so I would say that he is sick right now...that he loves him in his own way, people change, go through things...it is NOT them it is him!
    salexander

    Answer by salexander at 1:23 PM on May. 21, 2010

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