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How would you feel if you failed as a parent?

The question is "IF" i know many of you will say that would never happen because you're such great parents but If your child turned out to be a drug addict or child abuser, murderer or rapist as an adult how would that make you feel? What would you do? And would you still have a relationship with them?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 1:01 PM on May. 21, 2010 in General Parenting

Answers (45)
  • Just because a child turns into one of those things doesn't mean YOU failed as a parent.
    SoniaL

    Answer by SoniaL at 1:03 PM on May. 21, 2010

  • I'm not convinced completely that parents can control if their children become criminals. If they neglected and abused the child then yes, I could say they failed. What about the ones who do everything right and their child turns out to be a criminal or just completely worthless anyway? Sometimes people are going to do what they are going to do and there is not stopping it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:05 PM on May. 21, 2010

  • I'd be crushed, mortified. I'd never stop trying to save them. If it was a drug abuse thing I'd put them in the best treatment. If they fled from treatment, we'd tie them to a chair and feed them ice chips and clean up their puke while they detox'd. Or I'd goto court and get conservatorship over them..... whatever it takes.

    Most drug, alcohol abuse, child molesting, cruelty to animals, etc etc begins shortly after puberty. So I think I'll be OK. Love, support, rules, discipline, and a lot of close monitoring and non negotiable rules will back me up
    hibbingmom

    Answer by hibbingmom at 1:05 PM on May. 21, 2010

  • If my child turned out to be any of those things. It would not be because I failed as a parent. It would be because my child made some really screwed up choices. The choices that my child makes as an adult as nothing to do with me, or my parenting. His choices as an adult are his and his alone. His alone to make, his alone to live with & deal with the condsequences/reprecussions of those choices

    I can not sit here and give an honest answer in regards to what I would do "IF" my son ever did any of those things, or things like that. I have no idea what I would do or how I would respond. It would all depend on what he did and his reasons for doing whatever it was he did.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 1:06 PM on May. 21, 2010

  • To the PP's..... can u point out a killer/rapist/etc who has had public recognition of some kind that had a traumatic free childhood?
    I can think of NONE off the top of my head! If you raise a monster I think u did fail. Parenting is about the broad picture.... you have this teeny helpless baby and you groom them into a productive member of society. If you fail that, u failed parenting.
    hibbingmom

    Answer by hibbingmom at 1:08 PM on May. 21, 2010

  • My sister is a drug addict and while it is not directly my parents fault, I have seen the many opportunities they had to put a stop to it. It is clear to me that she has always had behavioral problems, but my parents did not 'believe' in behavioral disorders. In their mind, you can control your behavior or you can't and anyone who can't just isn't trying hard enough. If they had taken her out of her environment in h.s. when she started getting into trouble and doing drugs, I think she would have turned out a lot better. Because they didn't want to suffer and change their own schedules, she continued to hang around a bad crowd and do drugs,etc. Now, at 28 years old, she has 3 kids and cannot provide for herself. She continues to use drugs and my mother enables her by buying her diapers and paying her rent. THis problem could have been solved 10 years ago, imo, if they had been tougher.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:08 PM on May. 21, 2010

  • And yes, I do think it means you failed. You failed to provide them with the proper care (therapy, rehabilitation, etc.). You failed to notice the signs and to come out of your own denial. If the child/adult has a severe behavioral or mental disorder, then you failed as a parent for not noticing, getting the relevant testing and medication or therapy. Someone doesn't kill or rape someone out of nowhere. Someone doesn't become a heroin or meth addict with absolutely no signs. There are signs all the time, it's just a matter of whether or not you are willing to recognize them. I think a lot of it is ignorance in parents and denial.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:11 PM on May. 21, 2010

  • Yep parenting is about the big picture. And part of that big picture is this. Realizing and accepting that once your children are grown. They will make their own choices, those choices may jive with what you taught them, with what you wanted, and with what you believe.....And then again.... They may not...

    As a parent. You can instill your own personal morals into your child. Your own personal beliefs. Your own personal ideology. Your own views of the world. Your own views of right and wrong.. ect..ect.. However.. Your child will develop their own. And they will live by, make decisions by, and make their choices based on THEIR beliefs, their thoughts, their morals, their ideology. Not necessarily their parents.

    There is no way to guarantee that your child, as an adult, will see the world through your eyes, or the way you believe you have taught them to view it. They will make their own choices, for their own reasons.
    pixie_trix

    Answer by pixie_trix at 1:12 PM on May. 21, 2010

  • Somebody can be the best parent in the world and their child still turn out "bad". Children grow up and must make their own decisions, many of which their parents would not approve of, but there does come a time when you must cut the apron strings and let your child succeed or fail on their own. At some point you are no longer responsible for your child's behaviors & actions and should no longer take the blame for their failings.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:33 PM on May. 21, 2010

  • See my grandma raised all her kids the same way. Her 2 older kids (my aunt and uncle) are a lot different than her younger 2(my mom and aunt) My aunt is a paralegal worked for the same guy for over 20 years etc etc. My uncle is a retired cop has a nice huge house etc etc. My other aunt is always sick (she has munchausen IMO) and my mom has never had a great job she is now a waitress. I think it has to do with the person not the parent once you hit a certain age.

    delilahsmom1177

    Answer by delilahsmom1177 at 1:37 PM on May. 21, 2010

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