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How do I ask about drugs

Adopted a baby at birth that is now 18 months old, open domestic adoption but the bmom could not keep the baby because a legal issue so had we not adopted, the baby would likely have been placed in foster care or at least monitored by DHS. The bmom decided it was better she got to chose vs. letting foster care take the baby.
The Bmom denied alcohol & drugs during pregnancy but afterwards admitted use of pot to us when the baby was 3 mo. old.

The baby has been extremely difficult behaviorally to the point that our doctor is considering getting us services from the county. The doctor is concerned that the baby had other drugs in utero and wants us to ask the bmom is she did anything so we can get the baby help if needed. I know her roommate did meth.

I cant imagine how I will have that conversation. Any advice?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 8:04 PM on May. 22, 2010 in Adoption

Answers (10)
  • tell her it's for the health of the baby and the dr said the baby may need treatment. make her aware that if she made a mistake now is the time to fess up, for the health of the child.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:08 PM on May. 22, 2010

  • I doubt your going to get a truthful answer. And it's not going to change the outcome with your baby. It is not as if there is an "anti meth" treatment you need. The only thing it will tell the doctor is if any problems are more likely than not because of drug use other then genetic or random. The only thing you really can do is just deal with the problems that the baby has now and get educated about drug related problems so you know what to look for in the future.

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:06 PM on May. 22, 2010

  • You ask with love and respect, and you expect the same from her. You are both this child's mother and you both should have his/her best interests at heart. The trick is not to make her feel like you will trust or respect her less and cut her off if she tells the truth. Practice asking with other people first. Good luck, I hope she tells you the truth and that she in fact didn't do anything harmful to your baby.
    onethentwins

    Answer by onethentwins at 10:49 PM on May. 22, 2010

  • I agree with OTT and would tell her that the past is the past, we can't change it, but it would be helpful to your son now to know the truth of then. Tell her that you don't judge nor condemn her and that it will not change the relationship you have with her now.

    I also was wondering like the 2nd Anon, though, what information they hope to gain by knowing the specific drug. I don't know that much about pre-natal drug exposure and am wondering if I should. Our son is hyper, but manageable most of the time. He's 3 & I expect him to act like a 3 y/o. He's had the terrible 2's since 15 months, but we're almost thru it,.....I think.
    doodlebopfan

    Answer by doodlebopfan at 11:45 PM on May. 22, 2010

  • I wouldn't think she could get in trouble this long after the fact, so she may feel better knowing that. I don't know whether I'd ask or not. I know that both of my kids' bmoms used meth, and that one is currently using. I've wanted to ask at time whether one or the other was using (for the sake of deciding whether visits are a good idea at the time), but never felt like I could bring it up.

    We had some very extreme behavioral issues with DD starting at about 18 months. In fact, when our agency called to tell us that a baby boy had been born (exposed to meth the full 9 months, born with it in his system) and asking whether to show our profile, I said that I was leaning toward "no" but had to talk to DH. I didn't want to go through that h*&l again. A friend introduced us to Love and Logic, and that helped tremendously. It helped to have a strategy in place for dealing with the behavior. PM me if you ever want to talk.
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 11:48 PM on May. 22, 2010

  • Maybe she would be willing to talk to the pediatrition instead of you.for the baby's sake.It sounds like she does love it.
    evelynwest

    Answer by evelynwest at 12:11 PM on May. 24, 2010

  • OP here: Meth is the drug the pediatrician is concerned about. Apparently Meth has a much higher rate of ADHD and Oppositional Defiance Disorder and other behavior issues. I think that if she has confirmation of exposure, they would consider behavioral intervention a lot earlier. I will ask her again because after thinking about it, I wonder if it is a issue with services from the state or from our insurance (Maybe she has to put down as a diagnosis of in utero drug use to get the state or insurance to pay??)

    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:22 PM on May. 24, 2010

  • OP, I don't know how it works getting the state to pay for services if it wasn't set up that way to begin with. My DD was meth-exposed for the first half of the pregnancy and didn't show any signs of physical abnormalities at birth, so she didn't qualify. She is healthy but we have behavioral issues. No diagnosis like ADHD or ODD, but she is sort of hyper-irritable and defiant. She is a very sweet little girl, but sometimes gets into this mode, OMGosh! It helps to keep her busy and active, and to be consistent with consequences delivered quickly. She also gets a kick out of seeing that her behavior is upsetting us, so it helps to act like we can handle her, no problem, but it is a problem for her because she loses priveleges or gets bedroom time.

    My DS was meth-exposed for the entire pg and born with it in his system, so he qualified for a subsidized adoption. Later I'll post a link to a forum for parents like us. GL!
    Iamgr8teful

    Answer by Iamgr8teful at 11:33 AM on May. 25, 2010

  • If you feel comfortable enough to ask her, I would just ask. Just let her know that her doctor has some concerns about her behavior and you just need to know to help get her the best care possible. Like a PP said, let her know the past is in the past and in no way do you judge her, you just want what's best for your daughter. It might be easier to write it down so she has time to think about it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:06 AM on May. 26, 2010

  • i was a child of a mother like that and i acted out a lot as a kid for more than just the drugs. state isn't always the answer to the prob neither is meds. keep in mind this child's already been though ALOT. and they didn't even get to spend the lovely first 2 years with her like i did or 6 like my DHs sisters adopted kids did. don't try to keep from hurting her feelings she chose her path. you simply ASK her. make her understand that she did this and now she needs to help you fix it. you'll either ask her and get answers or she'll lie simple as that there's no real way to approach it you need to know she needs to tell you. there's no way to be nice about it. and sorry I'm so head strong about this but i lived that life. and if you don't ask one day you child will.
    Manda_Evans

    Answer by Manda_Evans at 11:04 PM on Jun. 11, 2010

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