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I need advice...bad

My husband and I are splitting up after 6 years. We have been in a huge rut lately and honestly I am not in love with him anymore. He somewhere along the way stopped trying and maybe I did too. Who knows? The tuff part is he is moving across country next month to take a great job out there. We were both going to go together (as a couple) but after a huge blow up last night (that my 2 year old son watched!) I know I cannot move with him. He is asking me to get a big house with him and I can live on one side and he on the other and so on. Our son is everything to both of us, but I WILL NOT raise him around parents that fight all of the time and we really do! I hate myself for it (all the fighting my son has seen) and have been trying to defuse the situations as they come up but it just does not work out well.

 
Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 12:40 AM on May. 24, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (21)
  • Your hubby still loves you, and he doesnt want to split. That should be obvious b/c any man that doesnt want to be in a relationship with a woman will not stay living with her. I think that you need to understand your feelings. Love and fear are the only true emotions that any of us have. So I suggest that you (and he) take time to write out what you are feeling about each other, the relationship, and yourselves. Then keep asking why  you feel that way until you can classify the feelings root as either love or fear. Ask yourself, why you feel you dont love him anymore. Often times relationships fail b/c we stop living in harmony. We fall out of sync w/one another b/c we stop doing the things our spouse likes, and start doing the things we THINK our spouses SHOULD like. I advise the two of you to try to work out your differences and understand your likes. Good Luck!

    sugahmamma

    Answer by sugahmamma at 10:16 AM on May. 24, 2010

  • cont: OP

    Now he is livid with me saying he’ll “fight for our son” and that “I am stealing our son” from him by choosing not to move. But if I move I will be moving from both sets of grandparents, my mom and dad, sister’s, aunts, brothers and all the family and support (which I desperately need to stay afloat as a single mom) I am not sure what to do and am need of advice! Please help.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:41 AM on May. 24, 2010

  • If you were already split up would he still move? He needs to consider all angles of the move before going. For example is it more important to him to take this job or to raise his child around family that loves and cares for him?
    bandrplus2

    Answer by bandrplus2 at 12:47 AM on May. 24, 2010

  • i most definately would not leave your fabulous support system. Including your in laws if they have been good to you and your son. If you feel that moving cross country is NOT a good idea, follow your gut. Serioulsy, say you do, and things DON"T pan out. You each are on separate wings of the house..eventually begin to date down the road, and well, can we say "weird" just wouldn't cover it. Not to mention, more confusing for your child. While i respect the idea FULLY of wanting to maintain a balanced, 2 parent home environment, I just think this will ultimately be toxic for everyone. There has to be a better way to handle the living situation. Trust me, but leaving your support system is a big big no no. Good lucl and much love to you and your family. XOXO
    Lipstk713

    Answer by Lipstk713 at 12:50 AM on May. 24, 2010

  • Follow your heart. Now if it were me in the situation I would stay where the family is. You will definitely find having family is essential.
    crazymom21

    Answer by crazymom21 at 12:50 AM on May. 24, 2010

  • OP

    Thanks "bandrplus" for your reply. He is still planning on moving solo if need be, his new job makes double as he was making and is now not working as they have moved across country so he is in a bind that way.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:51 AM on May. 24, 2010

  • id stay
    he's the one leaving not you so you have nothing to worry about on that end
    everything including dividing time with the child will be figured out with the divorce
    good luck
    stay strong, dont move away from ppl who support you to be closer to one who you just fight with
    DomoniqueWS

    Answer by DomoniqueWS at 12:56 AM on May. 24, 2010

  • Honestly, I know this sounds like what people get told all the time, but have you all talked about counseling? If you both stopped trying, then there's nothing that says that the both of you can't start trying again, kwim? Because honestly, all marriages require that we try and that we work at them, even the best of them, and even, and sometimes especially, the ones that last the longest.

    I'm not saying move right now. Take the month that you have, go to counseling, and see what happens. At the end of the month, you still don't have to decide. He can move on ahead and you stay, but both of you keep seeing a counselor and talking. (Maybe he could fly home a couple of weekends a month and you could take it from there.)

    I know this sounds expensive - and it could be, but instead of the money for a big house that you live separately in, or an expensive and drawn out custody battle, you could maybe try this first.

    cont
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 1:06 AM on May. 24, 2010

  • cont

    Then, if after some honest effort to get to know each other again, and to try to learn to compromise and communicate without fighting all the time, if it STILL isn't working out, well, then, honestly, he will have already moved, you and your son will still be where you are, and things will have gradually eased into you keeping primary custody - though honestly, you will then probably have to be very generous with a visitation schedule.

    Good luck to you both!
    sailorwifenmom

    Answer by sailorwifenmom at 1:08 AM on May. 24, 2010

  • Suggest a trial separation. You may find that once he's gone you might want him back. Time away from each other can help you decide what's important especially when it comes to fighting. We all have to learn to pick our battles. It takes two to fight. If you refuse to reply when he starts a fight then there is no fight. Take time to let things settle down before you do any major decision making.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 1:12 AM on May. 24, 2010

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