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I need help with damage control :(

I am a pretty natural-minded person. I am also a doula and respect all women's choices in childbirth. I feel that if mom is happy, it's a good outcome for her. However, I do get sad sometimes thinking about what some women miss out on by being afraid of birth. I remarked on this on my facebook. At first I just wrote "Does the statement 'I had a wonderful epidural and didn't feel anything' make anyone else sad?" I realized how that probably sounded and then explained what I just did... that I'm only sad that birth is so feared that women feel the need to be numbed. I don't want moms to be afraid of birth!

Well, I have an older sister who had one of those "wonderful" epidurals. For her it was great. She wasn't afraid of birth, she just didn't want to deal with pain. She took it hard and said I was on a tall horse :(

What do I say or do to remedy this? CONT


Asked by Anonymous at 2:51 PM on May. 24, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (12)
  • I think you need to say what you just typed on this question, you sound really genuine when you are explaining why you wrote it and because of your background I think your opinion should be valid. I know what you mean though "being afraid of birth", I had 2 of my son's natural but in my last pregnancy I felt just that, afraid of the pain, I didn't think I could handle it, I gave it what I could and got an epidural about 30 minutes before my son was delivered, looking back at the experience I wish I would of gathered myself a little more but my labor was induced and felt 300X worse than my other deliveries. Good luck with this and hope this works out.

    Answer by LuvmyFam6 at 3:00 PM on May. 24, 2010

  • We live many miles apart and I've been trying to get closer to her, as I feel she and I have the most in common out of all my family. I miss her terribly and I love her fiercely, and I REALLY didn't mean that epidurals are bad, or that I look down on women who have them! I just feel bad that some women are afraid, making them opt for an epi and miss out on the whole experience. If you're not afraid, and just want the epidural, awesome! I just don't want moms to be afraid, THAT makes me sad.

    Any suggestions?

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:53 PM on May. 24, 2010

  • Every birth has its dangers and if you aren't at least a little bit afraid, you aren't human. I worried about my baby and everything that goes with that too. When I had my first child, I wasn't offered an epi. I was in labor for over 36 hours. I was exhausted and didn't enjoy the experience at all. I wish I would have been able to get an epi and be able to enjoy her birth. Thank goodness for modern medicine and its ability to keep you comfortable.

    Also, thats why you take child birth classes early in your pregnancy so you can make an educated decision on you and your baby's medical treatment.

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:02 PM on May. 24, 2010

  • Because of your experience you make a valid point BUT take into consideration that most women cannot deal with that type of pain. I had two natural births and although the pain was hard to deal with I was glad I had c-section for the others. Natural child birth is a wonderful experience but having an epideral doesn't take away from outcome...a beautiful baby...In regards to your sister ~ allow her to make the choice of natural child birth or having medications to lessen the pain, either way, it is her choice...and you may gain the relationship you desire with her...Good luck

    Answer by mom2mybabes at 3:08 PM on May. 24, 2010

  • OP here

    I did say those things to her. She's still on facebook and ignoring me now :( I did explain what I meant, that I'm sad about the FEAR that makes women choose epidurals and not the epidurals themselves, and that a good outcome is in the eye of the mother living it, but she hasn't responded, she's just playing Farmville lol. I would never dream of trying to force a natural birth on anyone, I actually catch a lot of crap for that on other forums dedicated to natural childbirth! I truly believe that an epidural is the best decision for some moms, and I wasn't trying to be pushy or say that anyone is less a mother or less a woman for having one, only that I'm sad that so many women are afraid of the pain of childbirth.

    I don't know what else I can do. I always stick my foot in my mouth the minute I start getting close to someone :(

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:17 PM on May. 24, 2010

  • I happen to agree with you. Feeling the birth of my baby was incredibly emotional and energizing. I don't know if I could have managed the next two weeks without that "boost"

    Answer by rkoloms at 3:21 PM on May. 24, 2010

  • I don't know what else I can do. I always stick my foot in my mouth the minute I start getting close to someone :(

    Did this just happen? I think you need to give her time. Everyone reacts differently to getting thier feelings hurt. Some times people just need to be mad for a while. Let her calm down and think about it. This is one of those things you'll need to let go of, because there is nothing you can do. You explained yourself and she'll either accept it or not. If you haven't heard from her for a week, try to contact her again. If she continues to ignore you, tell her that you can't believe she's going to let something so silly ruin your relationship and just let it go. I'm 100% sure that she'll come around. GL


    Answer by Anonymous at 3:36 PM on May. 24, 2010

  • I wasn't able to feel labor or birth; I had an emergency c-section. I wish I got to feel all that even though I was nervous and a little scared of what my body would be doing!! I understand where you're coming from and if you let your sister cool down a bit, try to relate to her what you said here.

    Answer by rio_burb at 4:09 PM on May. 24, 2010

  • I agree with the first response. Just copy and paste what you have put here as your heartfelt apology on facebook. And give your sister some time to see the sincerity in the point you were trying to make. Also, fear is sometimes a learned reaction. Perhaps some women listen to other women describe the birthing process in a not so positive manner. Maybe if you have some educated material on the birthing process or some positive stories to share with others that will make your point (and not be misunderstood). I hope things work out and your sister can see there wasn't any malicious meaning behind your statement.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:29 PM on May. 24, 2010

  • I think all you can do is apologize, take full responsibility for what you said, and dont try to make excuses ( I think you have a valid point, but to her it may sound like excuses) just say that you were being a bit unfair to those out there that made a very educated decision for their epidural. And although I know what you are saying, and I had both my children compltely naturally, I think fear is definitly natural, I was terrified with both my births, despite the fact that I knew I could do it, and it was the only option I was willing to do. So I think saying woman shouldnt be fearful is a bit unrealistic. But I do know where you are coming from.

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:22 PM on May. 24, 2010