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Step child vs your child

Has anyone ever had their DH, bf, DF, etc, push ur child away & favor their other child, ur step kid? I had this happen with our DS & i just never understood why. My bf wanted to have a baby with me a year into our relationship & he hoped for a boy! He had a daughter from a previous relationship. Well i did get pregnant after much coaxing & we were blessed with a boy! But from the moment i was pregnant he immediately showed favoritsm for his daughter & from that point on it continued. He even said he didnt love our DS when he was born. :( That he had a bond with his daughter & didnt feel any bond yet with DS. It pretty much crushed me inside & i never knew this was even possible. I am just wondering if I am alone or has anyone else experienced this & how did u handle it? As u can imagine it ruined any relationship between me & SD which had been an amazing one! I resent him and SD tons! I never gave him a reason to do this.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:42 AM on May. 26, 2010 in General Parenting

Answers (11)
  • Does your SO get a kick out of hurting you? Has he been emotionally abusive in other ways?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:24 AM on May. 26, 2010

  • That is strange indeed and forgive me for asking............. you've ruled out anything strange going on between DH and SD? I expected at first you were talking about each of you having a child from different marriages, but that is his son just as much as SD is his daughter. I can't make sense out of a man not embracing his son. What I was implying earlier does not have to be sexual, but maybe an unnatural bonding between the two of them where he no longer see's her as a child, but perhaps his equal because of what they've gone through together. My mother was like that with my brothers and had no use for me. I never really understood what was really happening between them and was happy I lived with my grandparents.
    GMMOLLY

    Answer by GMMOLLY at 7:29 AM on May. 26, 2010

  • dont blame SD... this is all on the man... i would not let him even around the boy.... see how much he cares when he isnt allowed to see him. i wouldnt let my kid around anyong who treated them less well than a sibling or peer for no real fault of the child... that is messed up (not your fault) i have to wonder... if he is trying to hurt you through this method... is he mentally abusive in any way (like calling you names or being mean when you dont deserve it?) it just seems so mentally unhealthy i would leave the man over it. my son comes first to me.
    AmaliaD

    Answer by AmaliaD at 9:15 AM on May. 26, 2010

  • It's natural for him to be more bonded with the child that has been in his life longer, but the way he explained it was (or the way you heard it) was not nice at all. If DS is still very young, it may just be that he has not yet bonded fully with him. Some men don't really bond with infants. Also, if he has spent a significant amount of time with his daughter alone, that would strengthen their bond. If your son is still very young give him a little time. If your son is older and he is still distant with him, then maybe it's time for counseling or moving on. Try not to be bitter towards SD, as this is definitely not her fault. GL!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:38 AM on May. 26, 2010

  • Don't resent your SD for this. It's not her fault & don't ruint he relationship you have with her over this. Your DH will come around. It's very true that some men just can't bond with babies. Maybe he was the same way when his DD was born, but now that she is older has developed a good relationship with her. Give it time, your DH will bond with his son. How could he not? He just may not know a thing about babies & how to deal with them.
    samurai_chica

    Answer by samurai_chica at 11:10 AM on May. 26, 2010

  • OP HERE- SD was 5 months old when i met my bf. I loved her immediately cuz she was a little baby. I loved having her around. And he had her often, every other day. Thats y after a year when he wanted to have a baby, i was skeptical for other reasons but never for this. I never doubted his parenting or any issues between his child and ours. It wasnt until after i was pregnant when he changed. SD was 2 when i had our DS. He was never abusive to me in any ways, but we fought alot while i was pregnant bcuz i saw the difference before our DS was even born. And he used to always threaten to leave me. I went to most of my prenatal appts myself cuz he didnt make it a priority to go or cuz his daughters appts were more important. One time he missed her appt cuz he went with me to mine and he couldnt have made me feel more worse about it. He thought he could make it to both but when he realized he couldnt he was bitter the whole time..
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:38 PM on May. 26, 2010

  • OP HERE- I know none of this is SD's fault in any way! I know that! But i cant help but feel that all of this is bcuz of her in one way or another. I guess u cant really understand how i feel unless u have lived it. Our DS is now 4 and his daughter is 6. And yes it has affected DS. I tried my best with my bf and begged him to plz change for our DS. It was just always his daughter before our DS. And he didnt wanna do anything fun with us when his daughter wasnt around. But of course once his daughter was over for visit, it was all about the park, going out, the pool, fun stuff. When she was gone, he "didnt feel like" doing anything fun. It would make me so angry. I just got so sick n tired of everything always being about her her her! I have never mistreated her, but i have emotionally distanced myself from her. N i got tired of my bf always getting mad at DS just cuz his daughter would complain about him.....
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:44 PM on May. 26, 2010

  • OP HERE- he would get mad at him when he was practically still a baby. 1 yr old and treating him at the same level as his daughter. Fights galore! Hes not abusive or lays a hand on anyone. But i was furious at how he never considered DS's age. N DS has grown acting out with him, and only him. DS easily gets angry with him and yells and screams at him. I immediately told my bf it was all his fault. That he had better not lose patience with him cuz he created it all. It was his own fault DS has felt how his father is not emotionally attached to him, and hes had 4 yrs to bond! DS in turn is not emotionally attached to him at all. He chooses me over him all the time! He wont talk to him on the phone, doesnt care to really spend time with him. He just refuses to do it alone. And he acts like a "brat" with him. DS is a very active kid but he is way different with me than with my bf. He doesnt scream or yell at me. But does with dad.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:50 PM on May. 26, 2010

  • OP HERE- and yes when DS was a baby i used to always tell my bf i was tired of his threats to leave me and i didnt care if he did. But that since he didnt care about DS to just sign over his rights and be out of our lives. That i would rather him disappear n didnt want anything from him, than for him to be in DS's life and not care about him. He always refused n said he had rights cuz he was his father. N i would ask him y, if it was obvious his heart only had room for his one child! N we did break up for some time. It was when DS was 1 1/2. N DS never even missed him while we were separated. Honestly if my bf disappeared, DS would not really care. And this is a little shocking only because we have lived together since before DS was born. So DS knows us living together always. But when we separated and i moved out, his attitude about dad never changed. I was always confused on whether it was something against DS cuz hes a boy
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 1:55 PM on May. 26, 2010

  • OP HERE- my bf would say things like girls deserve more attention and love than boys do. That would infuriate me! Every child deserves the equal love, attention, affection no matter what their gender is! It was total bs! N ya when we split i would get at him n try to keep him from seeing DS. He would still stop by n try tho. Eventually we ended up talking it thru and decided to try after he promised to be a better father to DS. I just wanted DS to have a mom n dad. Shortly after getting back together I got pregnant unexpectedly. I made him promise to attend every single appt with me and he did. I was scared it would be another boy cuz i was still unsure of how my bf would change with DS. I hoped for a girl. I then knew that if it was, i would finally be able to know if it was all about his daughter this whole time or if he had underlying issues for DS being a boy. Neither one made sense, but it was a closer answer.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:04 PM on May. 26, 2010

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