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should i sent this? letter to child's BD, who isnt involved in child's life.. based on drugs/alcohol

DS is 4, seen BD a month in 09 (he was 3), a day in 201o (4). remembers who dad is, asks about him at least 5 times a week.. will be 5 in oct. BD has a chance to at least call, but doesnt.

"DS misses you. he asks about you a lot lately. I used to tell him that u were sick. I'm not lying for you anymore- he knows about your problems now, he knows your in trouble. I'm sick of lying to my child about why his dad isnt around, why we cant go pick up his dad. it breaks my heart to know that a little boy is disappointed in the man that he's supposed to look up to. he cant look up to you- he has to look outside of his family for a father figure. it breaks my heart to know that this little boy understands about the addictions in the world. I'm done lying for you and protecting you. i hope u grow up one day, but honestly- you've been given so many chances and have yet to do so."

BD is addicted to drugs/alcohol.

cont.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 10:46 AM on May. 27, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (12)
  • he's supposed to go to rehab and AA meetings- which he promised when he seen DS this year (for the day, and the calls after that day). DS doesnt truly know the addictions (drug/drinking), but he knows that dad is in trouble b/c he did something bad and he keeps lying, and just like DS, when DS lies- he gets into trouble... but with BD, he cant stop lying (BD also told DS last year that he'd meet him where ever, we'd wait for 2-4 hours and he'd never show- so DS knows that BD lies).

    should i send him the letter? it's my final attempt to "fix" him- try to make him want to better himself, and to be a man. he has a 5 year old boy (will be 6 in nov) and a 3 year old girl (was involved with the girl for the first 2 years. never involved in mine or the other boys lives)... but he still skipped out on the girl! i just wish i could call him, beg him to be better... but i know that doesnt work.

    cont
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:49 AM on May. 27, 2010

  • so to stop the nagging feeling in my gut, i want to, in a way, say my peace to him.. and this is how i feel it'd be for the best. but i dunno. :-(

    should i send the letter or not?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:50 AM on May. 27, 2010

  • If it'll make you feel better sure, send it. My DD bio dad is the same way. He sees her 1-2 times a year and she is 4 also. She used to ask about him all the time and I would make excuses for him. When I started being honest with her she finally stopped asking and seemed to move past it. I started telling her "sweetheart, your daddy loves you very much and so does mommy. I'm not sure why daddy can't come see you and i'm sorry" Then I would let her try and call when she wanted to, he'd never answer. Whenever she starts to get upset about it I try to distract her and will tell her I love and take her to the park, etc Just anything that we can do together that will make her feel cherished... GL I know how hard it is...
    leslie_zoe2010

    Answer by leslie_zoe2010 at 10:50 AM on May. 27, 2010

  • I would not send it. If he is an addict, you may not really want him around. It could be dangerous. He is not trying to find out about his son's well being. Your son should know his dad is sick and that someday maybe when he gets well there could be some contact. grannywilson
    grannywilson

    Answer by grannywilson at 10:50 AM on May. 27, 2010

  • I don't think a 4 year-old would fully understand an addiction. I disagree with painting a bad picture of the boy's father. I do think the man should know what he's done, but chances are it will further depress him. It could in fact worsen the problem. You may want to offer your friendship instead. Let him know that you want to be there for him so that he can better. That would be a lot healthier for everyone IMO. You have to understand how addictions work and why people have them. I understand that you are resentful, I know this because I've lived with an alcoholic for the past 6 years. He has recently become sober. Anyway, try not to let your emotions get in the way. You need to extend loving support and friendship for your son's sake.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:51 AM on May. 27, 2010

  • i've tried the friendship route, but this past time (when ds seen him for the day), BD told DS that he'd meet us at the park- that he had to "run to the store" with his brother.. infact, he went to get drugs! i told him that i wanted to help/support him through his AA and rehab, but that was in April- and he still hasnt gone! aa meetings started early april, he didnt go. rehab was supposed to start late april- didnt go. this happened after he broke his promise to DS 3 times last year b/c of his drug addictions- he put drugs before the few hours with DS. sometimes going to the visits drunk- which wasnt acceptable, imo (and my opinion is the only one that counts since its not court ordered).

    i've told DS that he was sick for almost a year. now, he doesnt believe me- he says "no he's not. he's at home. lets go get him".. no matter what i say, he believes that- and its true- he's just 10 minutes away, at home.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:56 AM on May. 27, 2010

  • I would just tell DS that if his father gets help then he can be in his life. I would mail BD pictures and other things your son makes for him. BD will never be the father you want him to be. I know I am in the same situation, My dd is 8. Her dad is on his 3rd trip to rehab. It is very hard. You do have to tell your son the truth about his fathers problems like you have. I openly talk to my dd without putting her dad down. I say that he cant' take care of himself so he couldnt take care of us. She understands that. She can tell her has problems by talking to him. I have left the door open just incase he changes but I have given up hope. Addiction can be a lifelong battle and the letter wont do any good. If you want to send it it wont hurt but it may be best that he is out of your sons life.
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 10:57 AM on May. 27, 2010

  • My daughter will say things like, "Dad cant even rememebr my birthday!" It is heartbreaking but the problems just keep coming. Your son will end up wanting him less and less. I would tell him that daddy isnt making good choices. It is best to just move on...can you put some distance between you? It will get better as he gets older!
    ria7

    Answer by ria7 at 11:01 AM on May. 27, 2010

  • I agree with grannywilson. You don't want him around your DS. He has chosen the drugs over his relationship with his child. If anything I would ask him to give up his parental rights since he isn't interested in being a father. I am going to go out on a limb and guess that he doesn't pay child support either. If you aren't getting any support from him (financial, emotional, or otherwise), then ask him to severe ties with the two of you so that your DS might have a chance to have a father figure in his life that will be able to adopt him as his own child.
    It might make you feel better to get it off your chest, but will you go back to feeling bad when his habits don't change and your letter has been ineffective? The drugs have already taken over, he is a lost cause.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:01 AM on May. 27, 2010

  • I would not send the letter. I agree with much of what the others have said. And why would you want this guy in your child's life when he's still messed up. I would tell him that sometimes grown ups can be sick in a different way, and that until his dad gets help, he will be sick.

    I would check into some counseling for your son, if you can't afford it, if he is starting school this year, the school may be able to help. You can't fix his dad, and sending this letter probably won't help. It may just make him angry......or you may end up with a drunk drug addict causing problems. He has to want to get better, YOU CAN'T FIX HIM. Use that energy for more positive things.

    I'm so sorry that you and your son are dealing with this.
    ohwrite

    Answer by ohwrite at 11:05 AM on May. 27, 2010

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