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How do you deal with different parenting styles?

My 18 yr old step daughter is coming to live with me and her dad, so she can go to colledge.I am more than willing to help her.but he never lets her fix her own problems.He never lets her learn from her mistakes.I am oppiset.I do help my grown kids sometimes.but I want them( including stepdaughter) to be indepenant and be able to handle their own lives.I am more tough love than he is.How can I approach this without chaos.It is my house too.

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Asked by evelynwest at 1:38 PM on May. 27, 2010 in Relationships

Level 16 (2,667 Credits)
Answers (5)
  • You can't :( No matter how you approach it, he will get on the defense for his DD, even if you portray it to him that you only want to help. Or at least that is how my hubby is-though he is very logical he doesn't get my ideas which I consider logical and doesnt get that I really just want to help my step son to become a kind, respectful man one day.

    Answer by ABusyBee at 1:43 PM on May. 27, 2010

  • when a situation arises, tell him that she is an adult now. she needs to learn to live her own life, not have dad fix everything for her.

    Answer by jennifer588 at 1:44 PM on May. 27, 2010

  • Tell your DH how you plan on treating your step daughter. Leave it at that. When she comes, tell her to. So she will know not to come running to you with thing. Treat her just like you trat you own. Tell her that, so she will not think you are just being mean. If he want to baby her that is his problem.

    Answer by louise2 at 1:50 PM on May. 27, 2010

  • It's tough with step-children. If my step-father even had an opinion on parenting me I had a real problem with it, because he parented totally different than my mom or dad and I didn't feel it was fair for him to try and impose his rules. I thought it was over-stepping his boundaries. You also have to deal with the fact that she is 18 so not exactly a child anymore, although it's hard to think of 18 as an adult either. I think your best bet is to establish house rules right out of the gate that all 3 of you agree on, will there be curfew, rules about friends coming over, etc? Will she be getting money for school, car, etc, and if so how much? Then you and your husband need to agree between just the two of you what it is ok to be flexible on. Like if she comes in an hour past curfew will there be punishment (which he should give) or if she runs out of money and asks for more, is hubby going to give it to her? Plan ahead, I say.

    Answer by MaryMW at 2:30 PM on May. 27, 2010

  • you're going to just have to suck it up. it's his daughter, and really she's an adult. she'll have PLENTY of time to suffer the consequences of her mistakes when she is in college (or is she going to live with you while in college?). unfortunately you are absolutely right it's not doing her any favors. i'm not sure if you'll be able to convince him of the importance of your view, but basically the bottom line is none of us learn from anything other than our own mistakes. saving her isn't teaching her how to make her way in the world, and all the good advice and upbringing isn't going to prevent those mistakes from happening.

    Answer by figaro8895 at 3:19 PM on May. 27, 2010

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