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How would you feel if your husband never expressed interest in sex with you?

My husband never lets me know when he wants sex. Ever. I ALWAYS initiate. He says it's because it's awkward to him and it embarrasses him. I try to be understanding, but when he never expresses that I turn him on or he likes how I look or that he wants me it makes me feel like he DOESN'T find me attractive or want to have sex with me. He says that he does, and that he often wants sex and I don't know it (obviously, because he never gives me any inkling). He's not shy once we get started at all, he just can't bring himself to make the first move. I know for certain he's not cheating, and I love him and trust him, and we have enough sex for both of us, but I just feel like I'm not what he wants sometimes because he never tells me so.

How would you feel? Am I doing something wrong here?


Asked by Anonymous at 9:44 PM on May. 27, 2010 in Relationships

This question is closed.
Answers (15)
  • OP I know exactly how you feel because my DH is the same exact way. If I don't iniate things then it just doesn't happen, period. He is also very proper (like yours) and wont engage in any romantic or sexual type interests even just hugs. I think part of it is due to our kids. My DH is very anti sex when the kids are home and awake. They have to either be over someone elses house, asleep, or engrossed in a movie before he will even considering getting romantic with me. Not sure why this is but its the way he's always been. As for simple romantic gestures... well before we married, he used to hug me and hold my hand all the time. Once we married and had kids, that stopped. Now when I ask for a hug, it feels like its so awkward for him to reciprocate and I rarely get compliments anymore. For a long time all of this really bothered me to the point where I'd cry, yell, nag, threaten etc.. you name it. It got me NO WHERE. (cont)

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:15 PM on May. 27, 2010

  • i guess he REALLY dosent want to get turned down i would say, if my husband was like that then i would honestly think he didnt love me or was cheating on me. I would sit down with him and express exactly what your feeling. HOw long have u been together??

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:48 PM on May. 27, 2010

  • Was he shy when you met? Some men like when women are the aggressive ones. If everything else is fine, I wouldn't worry too much about it.

    Answer by MLM0503 at 9:53 PM on May. 27, 2010

  • It would make me feel not good enough for him.


    Answer by Anonymous at 9:54 PM on May. 27, 2010

  • OP here

    I've told him all this on multiple occaisions, he knows how I feel. He just can't overcome his fear of rejection. He says that the desire is there, he just doesn't express it. We've been together 6 1/2 years. He never touches or kisses me in anything but a totally "proper" way unless I start it (and even then we have to be getting ready to have sex, or else he feels like we're putting on a display, even when we're alone). He is so inhibited about sexual stuff, he doesn't even really like to talk about it.

    I know that he loves me, I know he's not cheating, he just never tells or shows me in any way that I turn him on.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:54 PM on May. 27, 2010

  • have you ever tried wearing sexy little things to wear around the house for him?? and consistently talking about ur intimate life??

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:56 PM on May. 27, 2010

  • OP again

    MLM, when we first got together he wasn't like this. It developed about 6 months after we started having sex. He started turning me down a lot and it got really bad for a while, where we would have sex, like, once a month. It has gotten better than that because I just decided I was going to be confident and take charge (and it worked). He DOES like for me to be the aggressor, which is fine, but I really just feel like I need for him to let me know that I turn him on. I need for him to express SOME interest SOME time, and not ALWAYS wait until I do it. Even if it's not strictly sexual but "Hey, you look reallly nice today" or having something about my looks or body that he admires. I've never even caught him checking me out, no joke.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:57 PM on May. 27, 2010

  • OP

    Anon :56, yes, I've tried that. He doesn't notice if I dress up and if I wear lingerie it's taken off immediately because he just has no interest in what I'm wearing lol. Sending dirty text messages or whispering sexy things in his ear makes it easier to seduce him, but it doesn't make him express interest. His reaction is usually "Ooo, later" and then later he's ready when I try, but he doesn't show it before I make the first move.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:59 PM on May. 27, 2010

  • (cont) All I'd get from DH was a shrug and a "Of course I love/want/need you" and then that was the end of it, as though those few words were supposed to fix everything. Well, they did in HIS mind, LOL. Have you ever read the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands"? If not, read it. It will give you some insight on the way men think and feel. After I read this, I started to realize just how much I was nagging him with this and how much he was tuning me out. I've slowly been changing my ways - I'll suggest a "date night" with him and he'll take it from there with getting the kids settled or whatever. I've also tried to be a little happier and appreciative about other ways that he DOES show his love for me (working, taking care of the yard, doing things with our kids, etc). I'm not saying its all roses now (because it certainly isnt) but I have noticed a little difference in him. No, he still doesnt iniate things but he's

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:22 PM on May. 27, 2010

  • (cont) a little happier and more willing to give the compliments or whatever now. Sure, I wish it was a lot more but think baby steps here. My advise is to just sort of take a step back. I know many women will disagree on this but just try it. Usually when you're happy (and not nagging him), he's happy. Take a different approach to things. If he truly did not love you or was getting it from elsewhere, in your heart, you would know. I know many of us would love our DH's to be that knight in shining armor who rides up on the horse and wisks us away to the fully romantic get away but in reality, that doesnt always happen. Or at least not in the way the movies lead us to believe. Hope this helps.

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:29 PM on May. 27, 2010