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I'm cutting my grown kids off.... tough love right?

My grandmother died Fri morn at 12:05AM. She lived 1000 miles away & her funeral was going to be Saturday at 3PM. (quick I know - but there was a good reason & the whole family agreed on it) Anyhow, that gave me very little time to get everything together, arrange for someone to care for my dogs for 3 days, and get on the road to make the 18 hour trip.
I have 3 grown kids (and one DIL) I called each of them 1 by 1 and (after explaining why) asked if they would come & either feed & walk my dogs OR if one of them would just come spend Fri & Sat nite at my house (I'd drive straight back on Sunday) One by one they all told me that either A. they didn't want to or B. it was too far for them to drive (mind you I live 5 miles outside of the city limits wow what a drive right?).I missed my grandmother's funeral. I'm so hurt & mad.
Momma's pantry & wallet is closed indefinitely now. Fair is Fair right? They can't just take & take

Answer Question

Asked by Anonymous at 4:30 PM on May. 30, 2010 in Adult Children (18+)

Answers (18)
  • I understand it I was helping my 19 year old until it was all about him.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:36 PM on May. 30, 2010

  • I think you are making decisions while hurt and angry. Deal with your grief and not your anger. Your grandmother died. She wasn't at the funeral so it's not like she'd miss your visit. I know that sounds harsh but really, funerals are for the living not the dead. I'd have found a pet sitter and gone to see her before she died and skipped the funeral anyway. My dad used to say if you can't come see me while I'm alive don't come to my funeral when I die cause I won't be there! I'm sorry for your loss but don't take it out on the kids. Cut them off if you want but don't do it in anger. Tough love is based on LOVE not anger.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:37 PM on May. 30, 2010

  • I think it's weird that they didn't want to go to the funeral. I would be very hurt if my kids did that and I would want to cut them off too. Reminds me of the story of the little red hen. She kept asking the others to help and nobody wanted to help until the bread was ready to eat.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:45 PM on May. 30, 2010

  • I did go see her while she was living - How dare you presume that I didn't.

    And cutting them off is out of love ---- the hard lesson in life don't come with pretty bows on them - and they gotta learn they can't just take and take and take - then when chips are down let's just step on ole mom. You got it right. Funerals are for the living ----- I'm living --- my kids KNOW I was VERY close to my grandmother --- and apparently they think that Mom is here to hand out when they want or need but don't seem to think it very important when mom is in need - I wasn't asking for much from them - but the reason I was asking was very important to me. I didn't see a one of them complaining about the drive when they needed furniture or money.

    Answer by Anonymous at 4:45 PM on May. 30, 2010

  • first (((HUGS))) I am sorry for your loss second its hard to give and give and be in need and have no one to hold your hand or help you when you need it. Cutting them off will either make them realize what they have done or it will fall onto empty ears. I know because my son is that way. GL Momma


    Answer by pinkdragon36 at 5:15 PM on May. 30, 2010

  • I hear your frustration-you aren't feeling appreciated. I don't think it was asking too much of them at all. How old are they? Have you been close to them? Do they ask things of you alot?

    I do agree with the PP that you may be making a hasty decision during a difficult/emotional time but I do see your point.
    I'd say give it a few weeks and see how you feel. I think alot of teens/young adults today are lacking in empathy-they just did an article on it in the news. I would make sure they know you are hurt-but talk to them when you are calm. Good luck

    Answer by Anonymous at 5:47 PM on May. 30, 2010

  • calm down, you're just angry right now because you're in a rough spot. you'll feel better about it once you are starting to move on from your grandmother's passing - after all, it's not about being at the funeral, it's about remembering the good things about her, and celebrating her life. You can do that without having to fly 1000 miles across country

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:51 PM on May. 30, 2010

  • Family should be there when you need them and to depend on.  You are in deeply hurt from loosing a loved one and disappointed at the same time with your kids. You need time to reflect on what has happened.   I'm sorry about your grandma.


    Answer by Anonymous at 10:03 PM on May. 30, 2010

  • First off, I'm sorry for your loss...

    Secondly, I don't believe in supporting ANY Adult who can possibly care for themselves, and that includes my kids. I left home at 18, and never looked back. While I have had a need to BORROW money from time to time I have always paid it back with interest. I don't see it as a benefit to the child or the parent when the parents continue to support the child as an adult, all you are doing is holding them back and stunting their maturity... IF my kids are in school past 18, they may live here assuming they are working to pay rent and are in school full time and getting decent grades - rent will depend on their income. But if they aren't in school, they can fend for themselves... I see anything else as holding them back!
    Good for you...

    Answer by SabrinaMBowen at 10:59 PM on May. 30, 2010

  • Op here - thanks girls -- cooler heads are prevailing....... and I still intend to cut them off - Yes, I was very upset and very hurt - but what it comes down to is that THIS one was the last straw. For a while now it's been gimme-gimme-gimme with these kids -- Like Mothers do, I rarely ask for anything in return --- but this one was hugely important to me and very minimal on their effort. The exacts, wherefores and what-for doesn't really matter - just that I'm done being used for a bank, furniture store, grocery shop and door mat. My kids are in a selfish place right now - but that doesn't excuse their willingness to further my distress in a time of grief just cuz they didn't wanna drive 5 miles out of their way. Enough is enough.

    Answer by Anonymous at 12:41 PM on May. 31, 2010

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