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For those who have forgiven after being cheated on...

Is it normal to second guess your decision everyday? It's been over a yr since I found out and it's been about 6 mos since I forgave him and decided to work things out. At first I thought it was the fact that right now money is low and I question his ability to take care of us but this isn't the first time we've had financial struggles and I didn't think about leaving him then. It's like now, even though I love him I still wake up wondering if things would be better if I just stayed single. I never go through w/ telling him this because I don't want to leave because of our daughters. They cling to him and love him so much.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:29 AM on May. 31, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (19)
  • you have more guts then i do i would never forgive him if that was my husband i would file for divorce the next day once a cheater always a cheater
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:33 AM on May. 31, 2010

  • yup i agree. once a cheater always a cheater. if you are having doubts then you might of forgave but you will never forget. i personally could not stay for the kids. its always going to overtake your mind.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:41 AM on May. 31, 2010

  • Not true, Anon 8:33. Many men regret their indescretions and once they are forgiven they never do it again.

    Let him spend the rest of his life making it up to you; however, I'd watch that clingy stuff with the daughters. Teach them self respect, raise their self esteem and belief in themselves so they don't cling to other males in life like you said they are doing to dad now. Loving dad is one thing but clinging isn't a good sign. Not bashing, just hoping you watch out for that as they grow. They may be feeling your insecurity and worrying dad might leave. Both parents need to make kids feel loved and secure not make them fear abandonment and cling.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 9:42 AM on May. 31, 2010

  • My hubby cheated on me a long time ago when we were dating, before kids and marriage, however I think if a man truly feels enormous guilt and realizes what he has done... he most likely won't do it again. With that said, you either gotta let it go and stop harboring horrible thoughts or break-up.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:48 AM on May. 31, 2010

  • I was in the same position a few years ago. I stayed because of my children...some agreed with me some didnt but they didnt have to live my life either. The trust is gone...He says 'Im going here or there" Always in the back of my mind is the question "is he really going where he says" Thing are not the same either...my marriage changed and so did I. How could it not affect things. Im glad I stayed for my children, they needed a stable home. We dont fight with each other, we are mostly roommates, as sad as that sounds but its the way it is.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:48 AM on May. 31, 2010

  • you asked is it normal to second guess so let me address that...yes, very normal. and why you seem to now consider leaving and question his ability to take care of you all is because he proved by cheating that the things you never believed of hi-he made real. you never believed he would break your heart and almost destroy your family-and he did. So anything else is fair game to doubt him on too...very understandable. I would hope that you guys are in some sort of therapy to work thru it, not just act like it isnt the big elephant int he room. as for your kids and staying for them...hon if one of your dd's came to you and said"he cheated mom" what advice would you give her? because thats the advice to give yourself. your dd's are imprinting on you, learning how to be loved and to love...and they dont realize it. do the best ya can hon and good luck.
    Bearsjen

    Answer by Bearsjen at 10:13 AM on May. 31, 2010

  • I think it is normal to still have it cross your mind the whole "what if" or "could he be?" every now and then. But every day i don't know, if you truly want to be with him go see a counselor because this constant doubt will hurt you two more. It has only been six months since you took him back so you are still healing.
    mrsbean08

    Answer by mrsbean08 at 10:14 AM on May. 31, 2010

  • Also i would like to say never stay with a man solely for the kids. It will hurt them more this way.
    mrsbean08

    Answer by mrsbean08 at 10:17 AM on May. 31, 2010

  • My mother forgave my father. It's hard, and it's been years and years and it's still a daily process. Forgiveness doesn't happen over night or as soon as you say the words. It's going to be a long road for you both. He needs to atone for his sins, and you need to open up your heart to trust. It can be done, but it takes a lot of work.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 10:34 AM on May. 31, 2010

  • Yes it is normal. You need time, and none can rush that. Have you though about counsling? For me it was a year or so after I decided to forgive DH that those feelings totally stopped. However, he also made a huge change in himself. In my case, I did stay for our DD at first, and I am so thankful I did. It has been almost 4 years since he cheated and now I can honestly say I trust him 100% again. It was hard at first but with time it got better.
    RheaF

    Answer by RheaF at 10:48 AM on May. 31, 2010

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