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Do you feel really disconnected from your kids, like you're not really their mom?

I don't really feel love for my kids. I take care of them and would never hurt them and I "act" like I love them because I don't want them to ever be insecure. I was emotionally abused as a child and feel like it's impossible for me to attach to anyone now. Am I the only mom that feels this way?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 2:34 PM on May. 31, 2010 in General Parenting

Answers (31)
  • Not at all. I wasn't abused and I feel like that. I don't feel love for any other human but I am still a good person.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:37 PM on May. 31, 2010

  • I can't even imagine feeling that way. I feel connected to my son is a way that is unexplainable. I love him more than life.
    LovingSAHMommy

    Answer by LovingSAHMommy at 2:47 PM on May. 31, 2010

  • I think the way you feel is very real but it is also not very normal, I would have your issues addressed by a professional you are missing out on some really awesome feelings. You can act all you want kids are super perceptive, you aren't fooling anyone but yourself, get help.
    older

    Answer by older at 2:47 PM on May. 31, 2010

  • I think the way you feel is very real but it is also not very normal, I would have your issues addressed by a professional you are missing out on some really awesome feelings. You can act all you want kids are super perceptive, you aren't fooling anyone but yourself, get help."

    I agree. It's NOT normal to not love your children. If anything, it's extremely abnormal.
    LovingSAHMommy

    Answer by LovingSAHMommy at 2:48 PM on May. 31, 2010

  • OP here. Older, I HAVE gotten help. I've gone through a decade worth of counseling. I was severely abused and neglected as an infant and a toddler which caused the emotional part of my brain to not develop normally. I can go through therapy for the rest of my life and a therapist isn't going to make me love. My brain is incapable of it. As for "fooling" my kids, I have my whole family fooled. My husband has no clue I feel this way or my friends, parents, or in laws. These feelings I keep to myself or share with my therapist. I don't have to "feel" love in order to show it. I'm a nurturer. I'm a stay at home mom, breastfed all my kids, used to work as a family social worker.

    Any way, Older, I did not post this question so you can judge me. I posted to see if there are other moms who also are missing the feeling of "love" towards their children that society expects of them. It's sad and I want to know if I'm alone or not.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:55 PM on May. 31, 2010

  • you are not alone. i often feel disconnected from my children and husband too. I too was abused as a child and now that connection is almost impossible. I do my best. My kids will tell you that i love them, and in a way i think i do. But i hear these mom's who go on and on about the affection they have for their children and I am just not that way, I guess.

    Thank you for allowing me to know that i am not alone in this issue.

    (BTW yes i am in therapy. I am bi-polar with social anxiety, and PTSD)
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:09 PM on May. 31, 2010

  • OP here. Thanks anon. I have PTSD and severe social anxiety (with colon spasms). My sister is bi-polar.

    It's very difficult. It's not like I can talk to my mom friends about it because then I get reactions like I did from Older and then the comment following hers. Yes, I know I'm not "normal." Thank you so much for pointing that out because Heaven knows I didn't get enough of that growing up.

    I too am doing the absolute best I can. I went through 8 years of therapy before even trying to be a mom. I'm a natural nurturer and giver and thought having children would help heal a lot of my hurt. Instead, it opened my eyes to how severely messed up I am emotionally.

    It's frustrating, sad, and lonely to feel this way. I'm not a selfish mom or wife and do not deserve to be judged or ridiculed. I'm just looking for company.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:15 PM on May. 31, 2010

  • Op, I wasn't judging you I was trying to help, not feeling that you are able to experience love is a defense mechanism that can be fixed, if your therapist is not working for you then I would seek help somewhere else. Your statement of showing and fooling what you do not feel does not make any sense. You do feel love if you are nurturing, society doesn't dictate what you should feel for your children, this is instinct involved here, maternal one. You either have it or you don't but it has nothing to do with any emotional part of your brain not developing.
    I wasn't trying to be a smart ass here, I find that you living this lie is so detremental to your well being aside from depriving yourself from the joys of loving. If you have gone through a decade worth of counseling and it hasn't worked, I would have tried some other form of therapy until you find what works, where there is a will there is a way. Also, cont...
    older

    Answer by older at 3:17 PM on May. 31, 2010

  • you have gone through decades of counseling and no one in your immediate family knows your problem?Don't they ask where you are going? or do you tell them you are out shopping?
    older

    Answer by older at 3:19 PM on May. 31, 2010

  • Older, my whole family knows I has PTSD. My whole family knows I have extreme anxiety. My whole family knows my issues. I just have not let anyone other than my therapist know that I do not feel love. I do not want to worry or hurt my husband, children, friends or in-laws. I'm a good person. I put other's needs first. I just don't feel love and I don't let my family or friends know it.

    So, to answer your question, no they don't think I'm shopping. They know I'm going to counseling to work hard at being a better person and to ensure that the cycle of abuse my mom perpetuated on me does not trickle down to my children.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 3:22 PM on May. 31, 2010

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