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What would you do?

My husband stayed out with a couple of buddies twice way too late and didn't call me to let me know he'd be late. Then, a couple weeks after that, he lied about where he was going, and when confronted, said he didn't want to tell his buddies his wife said he couldn't go there. Now, he's talking to this other girl behind my back, all the time, at work. If I text him, he gets pissed because I "pester" him, but he texts her all day long almost every day. I don't really think he's cheating with her but it does make me uncomfortable. He knows this, and gets furious with me for being hurt that I can't text him but she can. Maybe I'm just being petty, but that isn't the point. He's supposed to be helping me work through self-esteem issues, but he doesn't do a thing to make me feel wanted, ever. I'm at my wits end. All he does on the weekends when he's off is play games and work on his friend's car.

What would you do?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:12 AM on Jun. 2, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (14)
  • leave & work on building my own self esteem. Its much harder for someone to destroy your being if you build it instead of expecting them to build you. Don't rely on others to give you a sense of self, create one for your own. Leave this ass munch
    Nyx7

    Answer by Nyx7 at 9:19 AM on Jun. 2, 2010

  • Ive been through something very similar and its a crappy situation for you. If he's lying about where he is then he is somewhere he knows he shouldnt be. If he lies about where he is going then he is probably lying about other things, quite possibly just what has happened with this other girl and how he knows her. He shouldnt be doing or texting anything that he isnt ok with you asking about.

    You're not being petty, he's giving you reasons not to trust him. If he really isnt doing anything wrong, he wont have a problem sitting down with you and talking rationally about what is going on. Consider marriage counseling if he will do it. That will help with your self esteem issues and whatever is going on with him.

    Good luck! If you want, you can PM me.

    Aqua_Jen

    Answer by Aqua_Jen at 9:20 AM on Jun. 2, 2010

  • Ask him flat out if the marriage is important to him at all, then if he says yes tell him you want to go to counseling and for him to stop talking to another woman. You think he isn't cheating, and maybe he hasn't yet but it certainly sounds like it's heading that way. I went through the same thing with my ex and I trusted him that he could be "just friends" with another woman since I had friends that were guys and they were just friends to me but within a few weeks my husband comes home from the bar to confess that he cheated and was sorry but before that night he got angry and defensive if I asked him about his conversations with this woman and he too had also snuck out to strip clubs with his brother and lied about what he did there. I gave him another chance and not two months went by before he cheated again - this time I was home with a 9 month old and pregnant with our second. Get help, or get out.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:21 AM on Jun. 2, 2010

  • I would flat out ask him if he is cheating or wanting to cheat! Then I would tell him no more texting with the other girl. I would tell him its you or her and his friends. My dh can go out with his friends once in a while and he doesn't have to tell me where he is going since I trust and he normally does tell me anyway. You need to tell him that you are uncomfortable with how he is acting and talk, if it doesn't get better then you need to put your foot down, if that doesn't work then tell him your done! Good Luck!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:22 AM on Jun. 2, 2010

  • I have also been there....he's cheating honey-whether he has crossed that line and made it physical is not clear but it's headed that way. Either way he is at least "emotionally" cheating on you-which really is the same, if not worse. He has no intention of stopping it either.
    You need to sit down with him and confront him about it. be strong...this is going to hurt like hell. Stand up for yourself. If you want this marriage to work, tell him. Tell him also he needs to STOP ALL contact with this woman. He will either deny everything or he'll say he's done. If he says he'll stop, you are going to have to be a little investigator and make sure---mine didn't stop and eventually left me for this women.
    no matter what-you need some counseling to help you through this. Hopefully he'll go along-I would make that one of your demands in saving your marriage. If he won't, go alone...it'll help alot in guiding you.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:35 AM on Jun. 2, 2010

  • PP here...in the meantime, go online to your cell phone account and get copies of all the phone calls and texts b/w them. Get copies of all your finances and keep records of everything. This is all just in case he leaves....you need to look out for yourself and your kids...

    Good luck....this was devastating for me but I made it through....
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:37 AM on Jun. 2, 2010

  • i would tell him i want a seperation if he will not stop talking to her. so you both can think about your marriage, i would tell him that if he sleeps with the other woman on the separation then it is over. He is giving another woman time and energy, he is moving closer to a sexual affair if it is not at that point already.. you could spy to find proof but i am sure that he is already planning something.. its one thing to have friend of the marriage, but going behind your back shows he is not trust worthy. tell him you do not trust him anymore because of the way he has been acting or at least that you are losing trust. tell him you want to see all the text that he sent this woman and if he refuses or say he deleted them hello you have your answer. tell him you want to hold on to his phone for 24 hours, starting right now to prove nothing is going on between him and her.. then he has no time to call her ahead of time.
    TaiM

    Answer by TaiM at 10:04 AM on Jun. 2, 2010

  • your trust is already gone....he has already made her more important... read you him and the other woman, it helps you figure out how to dismantle love triangles.. he is putting more energy and emotion into his relationship with her and not with you.. if you try to break them up he will just get closer and make you out to be the bad guy who " won't let him talk to her." i would just tell him i want a separation.. he may not even argue with it ..he will only be done with her when he wants to , if your relationship is important to him then he will choose you... he needs to make big boy decisions on what is best for the both of you,. if he refuses to do that then you have no choice but to leave.
    TaiM

    Answer by TaiM at 10:07 AM on Jun. 2, 2010

  • something's up... he may or may not be cheating right now, but he's on his way - the staying out, lying, and texting coworker - not good.

    as for the self esteem issues - although i completely feel for you and think he should be supportive, the reality is that is something you're going to need to address on your own - that's entirely up to you. frankly it sounds like the self-esteem issues may stem from a husband who is inattentive and disrespectful.

    you have the right to request that your husband stop with the texting and the nights out since the lying is a problem. i am not one to think that spouses get to tell each other what to do and control behavior, but when there is a marriage problem and boundaries being broken, then both people need to be responsible.

    i really hate to say this, but your situation sounds an awful lot like an ex-coworker of mine who WAS cheating - ALOT.

    I really hope you find answers.
    figaro8895

    Answer by figaro8895 at 10:18 AM on Jun. 2, 2010

  • He can't help you work through self esteem issues. You have to do that on your own. Don't depend on others to help you find your joy (or self esteem). I'm guessing you come across to him as emotionally needy (not bashing, just taking that from your post) and clinging to him and she's strong and confident. Men are attracted to confidence. You can build your own confidence. Remember who and how you were when you met him and attracted him. Be that woman again and he'll start coming home more and txting you more and she will fade away. Don't demand his attention, lure him back home. Something about her lured him to her, just beat her at her own game. You can do this. Win your man back. Fight for your man's attention but do it with style.
    admckenzie

    Answer by admckenzie at 11:26 AM on Jun. 2, 2010

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