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Abused as a child, scared I'll be too overprotective with my daughter....

I was abused as a child by two of my uncles and my best friend's dad... The abuse started when I was about three to four years old and continued until we moved away.... I am now expecting a daughter and I am already overprotective with her... I have this whole set of rules in my head as to who's allowed to change her diaper or bathe her, be alone with her, etc. I will do anything to prevent my daughter from going through what I went through but I don't want to suffocate her either... I have four brothers whom I love very much, but my mom loved her brothers too and they abused me... Anyone out there dealing or who has dealt with something similar?

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 7:11 PM on Jun. 4, 2010 in General Parenting

Answers (9)
  • I am in the same boat. My DD is 4 now and the ONLY person whom I have allowed to bathe her, change diapers, etc in my mother. I don't even allow her father to do it (we aren't together so it makes it easier) I was worried I was going to be super protective as well, but after I had her, it was just a normal motherly instinct to protect your child. It was like a constant anxiety attack. I had nightmares every night about horrible things happening to her. It still makes me insane most of the time, you just kind of learn to deal with being the crazy over bearing parent sometimes. As she gets older, I get more comfortable and start to ease up a little more. I'm sure you will do the same. GL and everything will work out, all you can do is your best!
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:21 PM on Jun. 4, 2010

  • ANON 7:21 - Sorry, it WASN'T just a normal motherly instinct
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:22 PM on Jun. 4, 2010

  • If you are worried about it counseling may be helpful.

    Gailll

    Answer by Gailll at 7:23 PM on Jun. 4, 2010

  • By teaching a child that YOU (or another woman) is the only "safe' person, you are imprinting her with an unhealthy fear of men, relationships, friendships, and even other children. You are equipping her to make false allegations, though unintentional, all it takes is for a child to say that they were uncomfortable- which seems to be the thing you wish to teach her, fear.

    I was abused as a child, by a close family member, and a family friend. I understand more than you can know, but the fact is, that you will wind up causing her unnecessary trauma by making her feel unsafe around other people, particularly men.

    Anon- why, even if you are not together, would a childs father NOT be a safe person to bather/care for them, especially if there is no history of abuse? That should be the ONE man that she trusts!!!!!!!!
    ObbyDobbie

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 7:39 PM on Jun. 4, 2010

  • OK... I went off. I should add that in order for a girl to grow into a young woman, and have a healthy perception of relationships, and how they work, she should be able to trust the (trustworthy) men in her life. Especially her father. If a person has done nothing wrong, or to make you believe they have, then there isn't a reason to be have this way.
    My DD is 9 now, and old enough to speak out for herself- and she has had to, she was groped repeatedly by a little boy on the playground at school... She even kicked him in the nads for it, which was when I got involved (had no previous knowledge).\
    What she said to me was that she was doing exactly what I told her to "defend myself when someone touched me inappropriately"... By no means is she afraid of he grandfather, uncles, cousins, or my SO- they have healthy relationships, and that is how she'll learn hoe to pick a mate when she is older, by how she is treated now.
    ObbyDobbie

    Answer by ObbyDobbie at 8:03 PM on Jun. 4, 2010

  • I was molested by my "uncle" for NINE LONG years. It started when I was 7 and stopped when I was 16 (long story). I have 3 boys and used to drive myself nuts when people were around them. I only let myself, Daddy and my mom change them. Anyone else was off limits. I even had issues with them going for check ups and the doc having to look in their diapers and touch them. The last straw was when our neighbor took our oldest son (7 at the time) with him to take his trash to the collection center down the road. They were gone for 15 mins and I had a panick attack that put me in the ER. At that point I told hubby I can't live like that anymore. The next day I was making appointments with therapists. I went for 6 months and haven't had any issues since.

    They told me the worse thing you can do is teach your children to be afraid of people. If you do that, they will not have healthy relationships growing up and as adults. cont...
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:26 PM on Jun. 4, 2010

  • Continued - I also had a conversation with a neighbor of ours that's a police officer. Just takling ot him in general about those that target children. He told me that they see it WAY too often that parents shelter their children and only let certain people deal with them. Whether it be becuase of abuse, conflict, whatever. And i told him that with all the pedophiles and such in the world, we as parents cant' be TOO careful when it comes to our children. He told me that that is the problem. We as parents aren't letting our children play and have fun, therefore they are losing out. Buy us doing this, the pedophiles are WINNING.

    Having those two things said to me made me rethink how I handle this. We haev had the good touch/bad touch converstaion. Told our boys what to do if ANYone (other than Mommy, Daddy and their doctor) touches them in their underwear area (easiest way to explain to them).
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:31 PM on Jun. 4, 2010

  • Thank you everyone for your advice. I think I will seek counseling since this is something I have not told my family about and I'm afraid they'll know something is up when I'm telling them only my mom, my husband or me can change her diaper... I, in no way want to cause any harm to my daughter and will definitely have the "underwear area" talk with her as soon as she's old enough to understand. She's going to be the first girl after me and will be surrounded by a lot of men... I just don't want to take the chance of something happening to my little girl...
    BabyJLoOnTheWay

    Answer by BabyJLoOnTheWay at 10:22 PM on Jun. 4, 2010

  • I was abused as a small child. It has made me super protective of my children. I have boys and I distrust everyone pertaining to my children! I can count on one hand who I trust to watch my children. I'm just not willing to risk anything happening to my children.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:14 PM on Jun. 5, 2010

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