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I caught my husband masterbating, Now what?

Currently, my husband and I have no affection in our relationship. I have talked to him several times about this. I have even tried to have sex with him but he refuses. Our lastest talk was yesterday. He reports that he does not feel like it and thinks he should talk to his doctor. Last night I woke up and he was not in the room. I got up to go the bathroom and he is masterbating in our living room. I go back to bed, very upset. He comes to bed and acts like nothing happened. We finally talk and he did not want to wake me up and worried that I would not want to that early. I have no idea what to do, we are having other problems with a clingy female friend of his. Which is my problem not his but her texting back and forth with my husband 16 to 30 times a day few that last few days is a problem. Now what? He says that he loves me and wants to be with me. We have a teenage daugher. I am hurt, mad and confused.

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 6:12 PM on Jun. 5, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • I'd have stayed and watched and let him know I was watching. Many people have fantasies but won't leave a marriage. So maybe he's fantasizing about her but doesn't want a divorce over it.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:15 PM on Jun. 5, 2010

  • You should definitely have a LONG talk with him about everything you say is bothering you. If you both decide to, you should seek help from a marital counselor. Obviously, if you're having other issues, and he's not being honest, you need expert advice. Good luck.
    mypreciousbabe

    Answer by mypreciousbabe at 6:15 PM on Jun. 5, 2010

  • Masturbating is not big issue. I wouldn't worry about that. The texting is a problem. I think you need to decide if you want to work on your marriage or not. Emotional cheating is just as bad a physical cheating and all of that texting is emotional cheating.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:17 PM on Jun. 5, 2010

  • I have the same problem :( I hate the texting and this one girl just won't leave him alone. He has known her for along time long story but we talked about it nothing changed I am not sure if he is cheatin and wish we had the money for couples therapy but nope. i don't know what to do anymore... I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I hope everything works out....my situation is different i suppose as we only have 2 yo and have only been together for 5 years also he knew this girl before me and has always texted. GL and i feel ur pain.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:38 PM on Jun. 5, 2010

  • If you need to talk PM me!!
    lendales_mommi

    Answer by lendales_mommi at 6:39 PM on Jun. 5, 2010

  • I'd say he is cheating.
    My husband masturbates and i don't have a problem with that but he only does it when he is horny and I'm not in the mood.
    I don't think there has ever been a time when I wanted to to have sex and he refused... well except for that one time when he was really drunk and couldn't get it up, but even then he still tried. It's just not natural for men to refuse sex unless they are impotent, gay, or getting it somewhere else.

    " He reports that he does not feel like it and thinks he should talk to his doctor."
    if he really didn't feel like it, he wouldn't be masturbating

    "he did not want to wake me up and worried that I would not want to that early"
    Sorry but I wouldn't buy that ... btw, where was his cell phone when this happened?

    I'm sorry if my response seems harsh but I find that sugarcoating things really doesn't do anyone any good.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:41 PM on Jun. 5, 2010

  • I understand that it is normal to masturbate. I think I would be ok with it if he was having sex with me. I have heard of emotional cheating and just researched it. I forwarded the link to him hoping he will see what he is doing. The problem is that he makes excuses for everything that he does, whether with me, our daughter, work, school, whatever. He does not take responsibility for his actions and we talked today and he still thinks that he did nothing wrong. He is sorry that I was hurt but he wanted pleasure. I agree with the doctor thing, if he did not feel like it then he would not being doing anything. The cell phone was in the bed room with me. I checked it later and all the text messages were deleted. I dont need sugarcoating, I need answers from others that know. I am out of my league. I dont think that he is physcially cheating but I am concerned that this the path he is on.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:55 PM on Jun. 5, 2010

  • I'm pretty sure the issue isn't the masturbating but the fact that he seems to chose that over actual sex with her. ..
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 7:35 PM on Jun. 5, 2010

  • Was he texting her just before he was masturbating? Does she send him pictures? I would think something is going on with the lady friend if texting that much. May want to dig deeper into that. Sorry.
    rio_burb

    Answer by rio_burb at 12:58 AM on Jun. 6, 2010

  • Thank you all for the answers. He has stopped the texting with her and now they are using IM on faccebook. My assumption is because I can not keep up with that. We talked today. And I was told that she is his only friend and that he loves me but does not like me and he and I are not friends. He does want to work on that. I am insecure and that I should not feel that way because he comes home to me everyday and that we share a bed together. He pointed out that these are things that he does not have to do and I should feel special in his life because he does. He left me crying in bed while he left the house for church and I am suppose to calm down and be prepared to talk once he returns.He does not want to use words like divorce or seperation first but he does not want to say them last either because he thinks that I want out. I am doing everything to hold on. Am I reading too much into thosse words? Is that what he wants?
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:13 AM on Jun. 6, 2010

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