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when to ask a brithmother to find out gender of baby

Has anyone gone through an open adoption where they asked the birthmother to find out the gender of the baby for preperation of the adoptive parents to be. we are in the very begining stages of open adoption through an agency. we would like to know so we could prepare the nursery for the babies arrival. Is this a bad idea?

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SKIPPY3066

Asked by SKIPPY3066 at 7:18 PM on Jun. 27, 2008 in Adoption

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Answers (8)
  • Ask the agent at the agency this question. They would know when the time is right or when the mom is scheduled to have the US. You may even be lucky enough to get a pic from the ultrasound! Some birth mothers let the adoptive parents come along for those too.
    vbruno

    Answer by vbruno at 7:30 PM on Jun. 27, 2008

  • i don't see how it's a bad idea. if the birth mother doesn't wanna know what she had then the ultrasound technician could tell the caseworker and the caseworker could tell you.. like the other post says, just ask and see what is available and best fits the situation.
    Ambreelulu

    Answer by Ambreelulu at 7:41 PM on Jun. 27, 2008

  • It's not even your baby till this mother signs baby over, and revocation period has passed... don't get too excited with decorating a room in pink or blue.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:18 AM on Jun. 29, 2008

  • You mentioned that you are in the early stages of an open adoption and you are using an Agency. Well I think that your question is a GREAT question to be asking early. HOWEVER, I think the first question should be by the Agency and they should find out if the mom even wants to know that information. If she says that she does want to know then you will all have to wait for the ultrasound to be scheduled. They are done per docs orders. if adoptive family wants to know what the sex is before an ultrasound is being requested by doc then they should (and most likely will) have to pay for it. Congrats on your match. Just stay grounded during this process. It is very stressful and as you stated ....it is early on. I wouldnt start decorating yet. Our room has all the essentials in it but we are waiting to decorate AFTER the baby is placed in our home....a newborn really doesnt care what the room looks like.... hang in there
    wishtoadopt

    Answer by wishtoadopt at 1:51 AM on Jul. 14, 2008

  • I would suggest asking her after the birth. If you put too much expense into an adoption while she is still pregnant, it can affect her ability to make an informed and non-coerced decision about the adoption after her baby is born and she has recovered from the birth (which is the SOONEST that any mother can make an informed decision). If you "invest" in adoption costs, it can make her feel that she "owes" you her baby. Even decorating a nursery for "that" baby can make her feel phenomenal pressure to surrender so as not to disappoint or hurt you.

    Backing off until after the birth, after she has recovered, is the ethical thing to do, if you don't want to end up wondering for the rest of your life if she would have kept her baby if you hadn't affected her decision. Open adoption is a well-researched (since 1976) tool designed by agencies to get mothers to feel obligated to surrender their babies so more would surrender. An unfortunate fact, but true.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 2:08 PM on Jul. 17, 2008

  • A birth mother is a woman who has given birth to a baby and relinquished her baby to adoption. It is potentially creating pressure and it is wrong to label a pregnant woman a birthmother.

    Plus, decorating a nursery and counting on getting her baby could lead to heartbreak for you if she changes her mind. I agree with the poster above about the pressure attaching yourself to her baby too soon, giving her money, decorating the nursery, etc. can often create for her.

    And yes, asking her about the sex of the baby is a bad idea. Take things slowly, otherwise you are creating a potentially difficult situation for her or for you.
    Southernroots

    Answer by Southernroots at 12:49 AM on Jul. 18, 2008

  • I agree, expecting moms need no pressure. As if they don't have enough on their minds already. I know when I had my twins I was fully cohersed onto relinquishment...for I changed my mind and was threatened mentally in to signing...it was and is sooo wrong to make a mom feel like there is NO OTHER OPTION...I never got anything from the adopting couple except of knowing they requested twin boys so they already knew what they wanted....sounds cold huh?????Like shopping for a car....so many anguished days and nights...8060 and counting to be exact.....leave her alone.....
    ceejay1

    Answer by ceejay1 at 1:02 PM on Jul. 23, 2008

  • So many negatives. I think it is perfectly okay for you to ask the birthmom what the gender is. If she really does not want to know then she doesnt have to. She has already made the choice to place her beloved into your hands. Tell her your feelings, especially since this is going to be an open adoption. I really do not think she would mind at all. Good luck
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:18 PM on Apr. 30, 2009

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