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Need advice, I can't turn my back on a friend but I can see my SO's point too...what would you do?

I've been friends with a guy, Devin, for about 10 years. Since I've known him he's had issues with drugs; he goes years completely clean then disappears and goes on a binge for a few weeks and I'm terrified one of these times I'll get a call from his sister telling me he's dead. Twice now I've taken care of his daughter when he'd disappear and her mom died of a heroin OD when she was 6 weeks old, she's 9 months old now. I have a feeling Devin has been using again, he hasn't disappeared yet but I just have a feeling that he's using based on little differences in his behavior. I'd like to have an intervention of sorts for Devin and to get him into treatment if he is in fact using again. My SO thinks I've cleaned him up and taken care of him enough times in the past and that I should cut my losses and stop being friends with him. He's never hurt my physically or stolen from me but he has hurt me emotionally...

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Anonymous

Asked by Anonymous at 9:55 PM on Jun. 8, 2010 in Relationships

Answers (10)
  • ...and my SO doesn't want to see me go through any of Devin's crap again. He said Devin is 26 years old and should be able to take care of himself especially since he's able to stay clean for years at a time. I briefly dated Devin when we first met as teenagers and even though we haven't had a romantic relationship in over 9 years my SO thinks Devin still attaches himself to me to keep me connected to him on an emotionally level.
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:58 PM on Jun. 8, 2010

  • I wouldn't be able to abandon a baby in that situation. He needs help for the sake of his daughter. If he had a binge twice since his baby was born and she is only 9 months old it sounds like the problem is very very serious. He could end up putting that poor baby in a lot of danger, and I think you'd beat yourself up a lot if that were the case and you did nothing. It sounds like this guy needs SERIOUS therapy, he is not managing his addiction on his own and the loss of his wife is probably a huge stressor. Try to appeal to your SO's sense of right for the sake of that poor baby.
    beckcorc

    Answer by beckcorc at 9:59 PM on Jun. 8, 2010

  • well i can understand where your SO might feel threatened, or uncomfortable with a guy who might have feelings for you as more then friends. but i think its great that you try and help this guy, especially with him having a daughter and you being such an influence in her life already. if i was you, i would explain to your SO that you feel like if you abondon devin, you feel like you abondon his daughter too. if i was you, i might consider the intervention, AND taking custody of his daughter and until he cleans up for good, if that was okay with your SO.
    PURPULbutterfly

    Answer by PURPULbutterfly at 10:01 PM on Jun. 8, 2010

  • I wouldn't be able to abandon the baby in that situation either. It wouldn't be for Devin, it would be for the child that I would stay commited to helping him. If he's not willing to change, then he won't change. Regardless if you have an intervention or not. He has to want the change before he will change for good. Make sure that kid of his is taken care of first and foremost.
    JazzlikeMraz

    Answer by JazzlikeMraz at 10:04 PM on Jun. 8, 2010

  • Have you tried to get custody of the baby? I think you should get him to relinquish his rights. I see nothing wrong with helping a friend in need by confronting him about his issues. I don't see how an intervention would be bad. It doesn't really hurt your husband in any way. Ultimately it's up to Devin to decide whether or not he wants to change. Look for a local group that has a 12 step program to help with this sort of thing.
    lowencope

    Answer by lowencope at 10:17 PM on Jun. 8, 2010

  • We are all human beings, and we all make bad decisions. But we all still need someone to love us. The best friends are the ones who are there for you through the worst times in life. That little girl needs you, and so does your friend. It doesn't mean let him walk all over you, though, but be a person that loves him through it all.
    Amber211

    Answer by Amber211 at 10:18 PM on Jun. 8, 2010

  • It really doesn't sound like your SO feels threatened, he sounds like he's got a good head on his shoulders. He's making very valid points. You cannot make your friend clean up for good. Only he can. This child complicates matters because she is what is holding you in emotionally, at this point, correct? But at the same time, your SO needs to understand that you can't just walk away until you have had enough. It's not that easy, to just walk away. Have you talked with your friend about maybe you adopting his daughter? Or at least petitioning the court for custody? Would he go for that? How would your SO feel about that?
    Raine2001

    Answer by Raine2001 at 10:43 PM on Jun. 8, 2010

  • You can't do an intervention and make him get help. It has to be his decision. I tried it with my x. Your SO is speaking logically and you are thinking emotionally. Let Devon make his own mistakes in life. You are taking time and attention from your own family. That's not fair to your family. I agree with your SO
    Anonymous

    Answer by Anonymous at 11:03 PM on Jun. 8, 2010

  • You're right Amber 211, everyone makes poor choices but using heroin isn't a poor choice, it's a fatal lack of judgement. You should have cut your losses a long time ago. Drug addicts are bad news and now he's he's brought a little baby into the world who's mother DIED from a heroin overdose. This child is going to have big health problems too. Stop pretending he's going to change and end up being a wonderful person. Even if he does get off drugs he's still going to have lots of mental problems for the rest of his life. He made his choice and he screwed his whole life up, why let him mess yours up too? Let the state take his child and put it in foster care. Move on and get away from this guy for good. There are plenty of other people in the world who need your help. This guy is a land mine and you're going to get hurt if you don't watch your step.
    Blabbermouth

    Answer by Blabbermouth at 11:12 PM on Jun. 8, 2010

  • You can't do an intervention and make him get help. It has to be his decision. I tried it with my x. Your SO is speaking logically and you are thinking emotionally. Let Devon make his own mistakes in life. You are taking time and attention from your own family. That's not fair to your family. I agree with your SO
    _______________________________

    I agree with this anon answer.
    Orionsgirl

    Answer by Orionsgirl at 10:15 AM on Jun. 9, 2010

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