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How to deal with step-child's mother?

My boyfriend and I have two children together and he has a 16 year old from a previous relationship. We are engaged to be married. Currently we're having a difficult time disciplining my fiance's son because of his mother. I'm afraid that things won't change once we're married and I am officially her son's step-mother. She feels I don't have a say in disciplining him or raising him. Does anyone else have this problem? What are some good points to bring up when trying to discuss this with her?

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Asked by biebermommy at 8:13 PM on Jun. 10, 2010 in Teens (13-17)

Level 1 (-11 Credits)
Answers (36)
  • Some bio-moms don't care what YOU think because you are "nobody" chances are nothing will change and the stepson will still disrespect you. And some BMs on here will tell you all about it. Good Luck.

    Answer by matthewscandi at 8:20 PM on Jun. 10, 2010

  • It isn't that his son is disrespectful to me, it's quite the opposite, it's just that she disrespects my place in the family and thinks I have no right to have any say in raising him.

    Answer by biebermommy at 8:21 PM on Jun. 10, 2010

  • Oh. I was a step mother so I understand your problems. I adopted my stepson so, I don't have to deal with that anymore.

    Answer by matthewscandi at 8:22 PM on Jun. 10, 2010

  • You can talk to her. But, if she thinks you have no say now it won't change.

    Answer by matthewscandi at 8:24 PM on Jun. 10, 2010

  • You really should leave the discipline up to your husband to be. Unless he's in danger, or he's endangering one of the other children it's really not your place. He's older and raised so I know it's hard but if you can't handle it I would reconsider your relationship and put things off until the older one is an adult.

    Answer by Anonymous at 8:24 PM on Jun. 10, 2010

  • If the son is great than don't worry about her. Limit your contact and don't worry about.

    Answer by mrsjonzy at 8:25 PM on Jun. 10, 2010

  • I am step mom to 3 teenagers. I don't deal with thier mother, my dh does. Its not my place. I don't have any issues with thier mom. She seems like a nice lady to me...its not like we socialize on a personal level or anything. But we are polite to eachother, smile, say hello stuff like that.
    The kids are 17,15 and 14. The toughest one is the youngest. Any problems/issues we have while he's here, we deal with while he is here. When a situation got out of control once, dh called his ex about it.
    Pretty much same goes with my ex husband and his wife. They deal with things over there as needed. At times, I've called my sons dad in reguards to his behavior, but I wouldn't call up his wife and ask her input.
    My dh may ask me for advice at times and I'll give my opinion but I don't try to step on anyones toes.I'm more a friend to them than an authority figure, I guess.

    Answer by kimberlyinberea at 8:26 PM on Jun. 10, 2010

  • Thank you everyone. It just causes so many problems between my fiance and I because he feels I should have a say and argues with her and as a result argues with his son and with me.

    Answer by biebermommy at 8:27 PM on Jun. 10, 2010

  • Don't bother trying to make nice with the BM. If she has already formed an opinion of you, don't bother wasting any energy on her. Let the dad raise and discipline his son, you only need to take charge when dad is not home. What goes on at your house is your business and what goes on at hers is her business. If the son is respectful towards you, then that's awesome! You only have 2 years till your step-son is a legal adult and BM will be out of your life (except for his wedding). The son is old enough to understand the deal and he's old enough to decide who he wants to live with. Speaking from experience, marrying a man with kids is not easy. It took us about 7yrs to get to a pt where BM doesn't affect our daily lives. If there's something the son does that you don't like, tell dad and let him deal with it. But honestly, don't bother with BM, let dad talk to her when necessary and your life will be less stressful.

    Answer by JGRIMMER at 8:38 PM on Jun. 10, 2010

  • Boundaries! Your DH should not be arguing with BM about what goes on in your house because it's not her business. If she tries to argue, he should say, "You deal with your home and I'll deal with mine." Communication should only be about logistics (scheduling, etc). You and your fiance deal with your own family the way that it works for you all, and let her bark as much as she wants in the background. Eventually, she will be quiet if no one is listening to her. Some BMs just have a very difficult time relinquishing perceived control, especially by another woman.

    Answer by Anonymous at 9:48 PM on Jun. 10, 2010

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