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Is a touch something you learn or you want?

Growing up I came from a house where you never really touched each other. I mean you kiss each other night and that is all. To this day I feel strange hugging my mom. I think it is at christmas time and may be her birthday. So now I have 2 children and must say I dont like the whole hugging and kissing thing. I just find that it makes my skin just jump. I find my self trying so hard to change this, but I dont know how. ANY HELP?

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Asked by moma22angels at 1:58 AM on Sep. 27, 2008 in General Parenting

Level 9 (342 Credits)
Answers (10)
  • Hmm, I grew up in a pretty physical family so it's hard for me to say how you would acquire that. It's strange to imagine hugging and kissing my daughter making my skin crawl, but I DO feel that way when she wants to play with my nipples, lol. I think you should just practice. Try to hug your kids several times a day, and remind yourself that it's just affection and showing them in a certain way how much you love them.

    Answer by MiniBabysMommy at 2:12 AM on Sep. 27, 2008

  • Coming from a home where most of the touching was not "good" touching, I'd say it is something you can learn, but you have to want to learn. Start small, sitting next to your kids on the couch, an arm around them as you read a book. Just because you aren't touchy-feely with your kids doesn't mean they won't know you love them. A note in their lunch box or just spending some special time with them (playing, doing puzzles, cooking together, laughing) will also let them know you love them.

    As far as adult hugging goes, it still is kinda creepy to me. Can't really help you there.

    Answer by MomOfDoubleJs at 2:31 AM on Sep. 27, 2008

  • I know what you mean to a certain extent. My family was the type that would kiss and hug good night, but that was all. Later on in life, my dad started making us kiss him good night. He hadn't been in our lives a whole lot and he had apologized and was trying to make it up to us. I was very affectionate to my kids though, but I had to make myself as they got older. They are very affectionate towards me too. If you just make yourself give them a hug, reach out and pat their head, laugh with them and grab them up into a hug, kiss the top of their head, after awhile it will get easier. Don't forget to always say "I love you" , esp. as they leave to go somewhere or at the end of a telephone conversation. You never want to feel guilty that you didn't tell that you love them.

    Answer by 1daughter5sons at 3:02 AM on Sep. 27, 2008

  • I think some of it is good old fashioned personality. My husband is very grabby -- if the mood strikes him he will just grab you and pull you in for a hug or pop his face in for a kiss. Our son and I both like a little warning, and get annoyed sometimes. Our daughter -- JUST like her Dad. She is in your face, in your lap, kissy and huggy. I agree with the other posters though, all you can do is work on it. There are also lots of ways to express love to your children. Positive reinforcement, reading stories, quality time together... Just because you don't shower them in kisses doesn't mean you aren't showing them a lot of love.

    Answer by Serafyna at 3:05 AM on Sep. 27, 2008

  • Some people "learn" that touching isn't good, but, in all reality its nothing wrong with it. There is nothing like a child just coming up to hug you just because. You can tell when a child in school doesn't get hugs on just by the way they react. Some don't know how. It can be learned. Getting a hug just because someone wants to hug you is a great feeling.My children are older and they still hold my hand in stores. My husband grabs mine everytime we go somewhere and it really feels good. Taking their hand, just sqeezing their shoulders, rubbing their head as you walk by is a great start. I was lucky, My mom always showed us affection growing up and she still does. Its nothing in the world like knowing that just by a touch that someone cares.Always say I love you.

    Answer by Kat122 at 6:38 AM on Sep. 27, 2008

  • As they say...."actions speak louder than words"

    Answer by Anonymous at 6:40 AM on Sep. 27, 2008

  • I completely understand the whole - get out of my personal space thing - I am not a touchy feely person either. Growing up there was not much huggy kissy in my house - there were 5 children and some of us are not touchy feely and a couple are - so I guess it could be something you could learn. I am not overly demonstrative with my children, but I do hug them and give them kisses daily. I don't like to be hugged and touched by adults though. My children KNOW I love them dearly - but they know this by what I do for them and the fact that I express my love for them verbally ALOT! I don't have to hug and kiss them constantly or cuddle all the time for them to know this. If you are not comfortable with lots of cuddling, snuggling and kissing and hugging do not feel bad or that they don't know you love them. Many people have personal space issues - you aren't alone!

    Answer by bemomkec at 10:22 AM on Sep. 27, 2008

  • Thank you to all who have messaged. I do alot ith my kids and they know that I love them dearly.We do alot together, games practices, hang out the cooking. But it just seems that when she is in my bubble that is when I need a hug mom, I need this. And my husband thinks its fine and funny. I am more like back off. My husband also makes comments like one day youwill like this. But its not like he is doing it to love me he is doing it knowing it is making me go crazy.

    Answer by moma22angels at 2:50 PM on Sep. 27, 2008

  • I think it is inate and learned. Many people find touch their language of love. It means alot to them and they need it to feel loved. Others could care less about it and could feel loved without a hug, kiss or pat on the head. Some families are comfortable with lots of hugs. My mother never was a toucher. My father was a bear hugger. I love touch naturally. My husband doesn't. I have always showered my children with hugs and kisses, stroking of their hair, a touch on the arm if they are upset etc. My younger daughter and my brother have always been physical when they meet with hugs now that she is older but she would always sit on his lap when she was little and he was very comfortable with it. My older daughter doesn't usually touch unless she is feeling sad. So, I think it's a little of both. You environment nurtures or discourages your natural inclination for touch.

    Answer by manna1qd at 3:03 PM on Sep. 27, 2008

  • I wanted to mention the book "The Five Love Languages of Children" by Gary Chapman. There is one general edition and one for marriage. If you read it, you will discover your child's love language. If none of your children have touch as a love language, you will communicate how much you love them through another method. If you have a child who needs touch, then take some tips from the book about how to do that and still be comfortable. There is nothing wrong with you and nothing that says you have to get better at touch. Your love language is likely something else and you will do just fine with the basics if you need to, to communicate well with your children.

    Answer by manna1qd at 3:07 PM on Sep. 27, 2008

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